• Prof. James O'Flannery

Turns Out It Was Just Chloroquine Poisoning

Dear Readers,

Previously I had written to inform you that I may have contracted an unspecified illness. I would like to retract that statement. Now, this unspecified disease is no laughing matter, especially for those in at-risk populations (such as myself), but I was suffering from similar symptoms and my wife convinced me that’s what it was.

However, a visit to my local hospital cleared up the confusion. Instead, I seem to have been mildly poisoned by trace quantities of chloroquine phosphate, a compound found in common variety fish tank cleaner. A specialist arrived at my home to discover the cause. However, he had the goddamn TEMERITY to suggest my prized clown-fish, Patton and MacArthur, may have had something to do with it. "Knock the fish tank cleaner into my morning coffee?" I asked him, "Balderdash! Get out of my house!" And that was that.

Anyway, I first noticed symptoms not in the morning, but during dinner. Gladys had made my favorite - liverwurst, onions, and steamed beets – when I began to feel violently ill. Gladys insisted that I keep eating and savor the meal, but I felt I really needed to lie down just then. A little later, I began to expunge numerous bodily fluids and – well, I won’t go into further detail, but it has been a rough few days, to say the least. Not to mention, our fish tank is filthy and I fear for the comfort of Patton and MacArthur.

Funny world, aint' it?

For her part, Gladys says she is dumbfounded by the incident as much as anyone. In fact, she has been a saint throughout. The correlation between my poisoning and the one in Arizona where a woman is being investigated for her role in a similar incident is merely coincidental. Gladys said she was not even aware that a man died from ingesting the very same product that I apparently consumed.


No, Gladys has helped keep my spirits up by bringing me glasses of milk and treats to keep my spirits up, but unfortunately, I was too sick even to enjoy her delicious snickerdoodles. The poor woman. She seemed quite upset by my continued refusals,but what could I do? (I did try one, but they tasted like anti-freeze for some reason, so I spit it out into a napkin.)

However, the larger point is that my last letter was not written in sound mind. I fear I may have shared feelings of a personal nature with you – feelings which I now wholly and unequivocally disavow. Now that I’m back to my old self, I wish to restate my extreme contempt for you all and for this vapid internet publication to which you belong.

Until such time as I find a more dignified pedestal for my work, you will continue to find further GTBT lectures here, but do not take this to mean that I respect you or even desire your readership. I wish you “good day”, but only as a matter of form.

Sincerely,

James O’Flannery

THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT

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Mathew Foldi is a Lib