Dear Readers,
Previously I had written to inform you that I may have contracted an unspecified illness. I would like to retract that statement. Now, this unspecified disease is no laughing matter, especially for those in at-risk populations (such as myself), but I was suffering from similar symptoms and my wife convinced me that’s what it was.
However, a visit to my local hospital cleared up the confusion. Instead, I seem to have been mildly poisoned by trace quantities of chloroquine phosphate, a compound found in common variety fish tank cleaner. A specialist arrived at my home to discover the cause. However, he had the goddamn TEMERITY to suggest my prized clown-fish, Patton and MacArthur, may have had something to do with it. "Knock the fish tank cleaner into my morning coffee?" I asked him, "Balderdash! Get out of my house!" And that was that.
Anyway, I first noticed symptoms not in the morning, but during dinner. Gladys had made my favorite - liverwurst, onions, and steamed beets – when I began to feel violently ill. Gladys insisted that I keep eating and savor the meal, but I felt I really needed to lie down just then. A little later, I began to expunge numerous bodily fluids and – well, I won’t go into further detail, but it has been a rough few days, to say the least. Not to mention, our fish tank is filthy and I fear for the comfort of Patton and MacArthur.
For her part, Gladys says she is dumbfounded by the incident as much as anyone. In fact, she has been a saint throughout. The correlation between my poisoning and the one in Arizona where a woman is being investigated for her role in a similar incident is merely coincidental. Gladys said she was not even aware that a man died from ingesting the very same product that I apparently consumed.
No, Gladys has helped keep my spirits up by bringing me glasses of milk and treats to keep my spirits up, but unfortunately, I was too sick even to enjoy her delicious snickerdoodles. The poor woman. She seemed quite upset by my continued refusals,but what could I do? (I did try one, but they tasted like anti-freeze for some reason, so I spit it out into a napkin.)
However, the larger point is that my last letter was not written in sound mind. I fear I may have shared feelings of a personal nature with you – feelings which I now wholly and unequivocally disavow. Now that I’m back to my old self, I wish to restate my extreme contempt for you all and for this vapid internet publication to which you belong.
Until such time as I find a more dignified pedestal for my work, you will continue to find further GTBT lectures here, but do not take this to mean that I respect you or even desire your readership. I wish you “good day”, but only as a matter of form.
Sincerely,
James O’Flannery