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I Think I've Caught a Bug

Dear Readers,

It’s come to my attention that I think I may have contracted a virus of some type (no, not oriental one - I don't think?). Now, I know some of my former colleagues in the Chappiqaw County High School teacher’s lounge would be delighted to hear this news (you were such a bitch, Debra, sorry I didn't think so highly of the art splatters your Freshmen made as you did. They sucked and having an Art Teacher on staff was offensive to me and theft from the taxpayers), and my children and grandchildren have never seemed happier; however, my current body temperature has exceed 104 degrees and in my fever-induced hallucinations - I've begun to re-examine a few things.

I suppose it’s not too much to ask that there’s somebody out there who might miss me if I go. Forgive me, I know this is highly irregular, it’s merely that – ahem, I guess I’d better come out and say it – aside from Gladys (also kind of a bitch sometimes), my readership (all nine of you) is all I have.

Had I fallen ill last year or the year before, I think I might’ve called it quits, laid down, and died. But since this publication has provided me with an opportunity to share some of my favorite lectures again, I’ve found a new reason to get up and lace up my prosthetic shoes each morning. Make no mistake, I still find all your techno-gizmo balderdash to be utterly reprehensible. But maybe – just maybe – you don’t disgust me quite as much as when I got started here (actually, you still do).

Oh, the indignity.

Still, don’t fret on my account. I have the constitution of an ox, if I say so myself. You youngsters think you’ve got it tough? In my day, we had polio, mumps, the whooping cough, the regular measles, the German measles, the Spanish flu, AND the Rocky Mountain spotted fever. Not that I actually had any of those diseases, but you know, I’ve heard of them.

At any rate, how bad can a little virus be? Try 79 years of marriage! Now, that’ll make you want to “social distance” – all the way to a deserted island!

So alas, my dear reader, I think I might have caught a bug. . . the bug of writing so that you may be entertained and learn a thing or two along the way (also probably a virus that is causing me to sweat profusely and my leg to shake uncontrollably).

Well, that’s all I wanted to write today. I’m going to keep my chin up and keep plowing ahead with Good Thing, Bad Thing. In fact, I hope you all can “ride alongside” for my next lecture on the Mongol Hordes – talk about nasty things to come out of Asia! – which I expect will be finished by next week (health permitting).


James O’Flannery


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