I awoke somewhere in West Virginia coal country on the morning of June 2nd. The last few days had all blurred together like words written in ink on parchment that had been left in the rain. We had been traveling for days in the Family Truckster stopping in small towns to drink whiskey with the locals. The Angels had been providing complementary lap dances to all who needed them truly they were doing the work of the gods.
The Angels were still sleeping among empty bottles of whiskey, Malt Liquor and bags that had once contained either meth or cocaine (possibly PCP, who knows with the Angels) scattered about like the remnants of a village raided by the Golden Horde. I could see the shuffled off tracks of men who had dared to try and drink the Angels under the table last night. You can tell by pattern on the ground they had stumbled off in defeat back to their wives like so many before. It was at this moment that I thought perhaps we were being successful in our mission. If we could bring joy to coal country then we could bring it anywhere.
I sprang to my feet to check the Nero Phone for updates only to find to my dismay that despite all our victories horrible acts were still occurring daily. Even in the most unlikely of places
I read on to discover that my former home, New York City, was under attack. It seemed Mayor Groundhog Killer was unwilling to do anything to stop it. Things had gotten so bad that Governor Grandma Killer was even considering stepping in. There was even talk of President Trump sending in US troops to quell the violence. Distraught, I put down the Nero Phone and sat there somber. This was June 2nd one of the greatest holidays in the world, International Whores’ Day , yet our great nation was unable to find joy.
Unsure of what to do I poured a glass of Buffalo Trace Bourbon and sought inspiration from the greatest album of all time Queensryche’s Operation Mindcrime. As I drank and inspiration struck when “Spreading the Disease” played.
As if being touched by the divine the drumming of Scott Rockenfield, the thunderous bass of Eddie Jackson, the amazing guitar licks from Michael Wilton and Chris DeGarmo combined with vocals of Geoff Tate gave me the solution to our nation’s malaise. I knew what had to be done if only I could find my way to the Pentagon before it was too late.
The Nero phone doesn’t have GPS, it was designed by InfoWars labs, so I couldn’t use google maps to find my way out of coal country. As I dug through all our supplies looking for a map like Boomer I felt the desperation set in. Having no luck at all I was afraid I would fail in my mission. Just then as the church choir section in “Suite Sister Mary” began I heard a rustling in the trees. It was that moment when salvation sprang from the wilderness.
Bobcat explained that “Operation Mindcrime” is his favorite album and that he heard it from miles away and knew that it was his destiny to find who was playing it.
After a brief conversation about how fucking amazing the album was I told him my plan to save the nation and he agreed to lead the Angels and I to Arlington Virginia. We woke the Angels, loaded up the Family Truckster and rolled out for Arlington.
Bobcat’s navigation skills got us to the Pentagon quickly it was as if no time had passed at all. Now we just had to find our way in.
After a little discussion Bobcat suggested we just walk up the gate. I had some consternation about this plan but who was I to doubt a bipedal feline with complete command of the English language? As a precaution though I had the angels in full seduction mode as we approached the checkpoint. Just as Tiffini began to twerk her way up to the soldiers standing guard one called into his commanding officer simply saying the asset had arrived.
Bobcat and I were ushered into the Pentagon while the Angels stayed behind to entertain and thank our fighting men as only they could. We were told that they had been expecting us for some time now. Apparently cell reception isn’t great in coal country and I had missed some important messages.
It seems that President Trump’s most valued and secret advisor had recommended me as the best if not only man for the leading the mission to heal our nation. I was left wondering if this secret advisor had somehow placed Bobcat in my path. There were so many questions as to how omnipresent this advisor was but we didn’t have time for that right now.
We were escorted into a briefing room with Joint Chiefs of Staff, Vice President Pence, Secretary Esper, acting Secretary Chad Wolf, and much to my surprise Kid Rock who it turns out is the head of top secret domestic intelligence agency I would give you the name but that’s classified.
After all the introductions were made I went on to explain why this was happening. On the surface it seemed as of racial injustice and police brutality were the cause but the victims of these atrocities weren’t the ones who were instigating the mayhem. No, there was a sinister force behind all this. The problem here was coming straight out of the suburbs.
“You see there is at least an entire generation that doesn’t know how to function as a basic human animal. It has been trained to believe that every instinct it possesses is wrong. The ironic thing is that it wasn’t traditional religion that has caused this problem; it is the religion of progressivism that has gone too far. This religion has created humans that don’t know how to be human. In the name of progress we have interjected far too much in the lives of children from not keeping score in little league games to immediately stepping in when bullying occurs. Kids today never learn how to lose like a man. Losing is important because it teaches life lessons. It teaches you that not everything comes easy. Losing is what separates the weak from the strong. The strong take a loss and work to get better so the next time they can win the weak blame their loss on the game being rigged. Losing can teach perseverance. Competition is a good thing. It is what made American society great in the first place”
“What has created these Antifa kids who are trying to ruin this nation is the belief that they should always win. This is a belief that has been nurtured by their parents and by the school system. While I understand the desire of parents to not want to see their kids hurt emotionally and physically it is these wounds that toughen them up for the real world and whether we like it or not the real world is never going to “fair” by the progressive definition”
“So what has happened is you have a group of boys who never learned to lose, which never toughened them up to accept rejection, which means they became so scared of rejection they never learned to talk to girls. This gentlemen is the crux of the problem. We have a group of young men who think society is to blame for their inability to get laid. They aren’t completely wrong but it isn’t capitalism or consumerism that is to blame. No it is the liberalism of their parents and school system that ruined them.”
“All hope is not lost though as I have a plan. Now we cannot force anyone to go out and make these soy boys into men but fortunately there is a certain breed of woman who enjoys making men out of boys and I am here to suggest putting them on the payroll. I present to you an offshoot of Nero’s Angels the United States Piece Corps”
Kid Rock, to the surprise of nobody, immediately jumped at the chance to run this operation. The biggest surprise came from how quickly Vice President Pence warmed to the idea. The Vice President walked out of the briefing room with me, Bobcat, and Kid Rock. He told Bobcat and I to head straight for New York City as we were going to my plan into place. Kid Rock, again to the surprise of nobody, told us he knew many women who see it as their patriotic duty to turn these soy boys into men. As we exited the Pentagon Kid Rock jumped into a helicopter and headed of to recruit more Piece Corps members.
Bobcat and I retrieved the Angels, packed up the Family Truckster and headed up I-95 for New York
To be continued
Mike Pence boarded Air Force Two at Dulles. He enters his private office and sits down behind his desk. Suddenly a hologram appears on his desk showing a man from the neck down. The man asks if all is going according to plan. Pence tells him that most assuredly the nation will be saved by his chosen team. The man congratulates him on a job well done. Vice President Pence turns sits back in his chair and smiles.