Karen Wants to Speak to Antifa's Manager

Dateline: June 1st, 2020. New Albany, Ohio around lunch time


Presented for your approval the two story Tudor style suburban Columbus Ohio home of Sarah, a pilates instructor and life coach who cleared over 300k last year, and Elliot, a partner in one of Ohio’s most prestigious law firms and one time aid to former Ohio governor Ted Strickland, Fisher. The Fishers have what most would consider on the surface a perfect American life. They are in their early 50’s, have been married for over 25 years and have provided their two children Samantha 21 and Dylan 19 with everything a child could have asked for.


However things are not always as they appear on the surface. While Samantha, about to enter her senior year at a private university with an excellent academic reputation 100 miles to the west, is a well adjusted young woman who drinks alcohol, experiments with drugs, and carries on multiple simultaneous sexual relationships with her classmates, TA’s, and professors of both genders. Truly Samanatha is getting the most out of her college experience. Dylan on the other hand is just finishing his Freshman year at the local state university is taking a much darker path. In the backyard of his parent’s seemingly happy home he plots the downfall of everything that has given him so much.

Dylan, Lucas, and Brady, all freshmen World Politics students at the local university, are having a lunch of avocado sandwiches on gluten free bread with soy “cheese” and sprouts while drinking herbal tea. “How the fuck is the stock market up today?” Dylan angrily whines while looking at the news on his iPad pro. “It’s not! Clearly this is just CIA psyop trying to make the sheep believe that our actions this weekend had no effect on the nation” retorted Brady as he laced up his brand new black van sneakers his mom gave him for getting a B average in his first year at college. “They are faking the numbers so that the idiots continue going on with their lives acting as if we aren’t bringing down capitalism” he continued raising his voice which startled Lucas bringing him to tears.


“How can they keep getting away with this” he cried, barely able to get the words out without hyperventilating, first they steal the nomination from Bernie a second time and now they are hiding all we have done to bring down the system. “Bernie is a cuck, he sold us out to the corporate interests. He is no different than Biden” Dylan yelled as he opened a package from Amazon containing a new cashmere knit hat he has to wear even in the summer because his vegan diet has left him overly susceptible to cold.


“We have no choice to escalate this war tonight” Brady said emphatically “They have to know we cannot be pushed around”. Just then a stern knock on the door of their headquarters startled them. Lucas fell to the floor and curled up into the fetal position at the sound. Dylan walked to the door “dammit Mom I want to be left alone with my comrades” he said as he opened the door. What he found on the other side however was not his mother:


“Alright you little pieces of shit! What the fuck do you think you are doing”? Karen yelled


“Hey lady you can’t just come barging in here” Dylan said backing up letting her in


“Barging in? I fucking knocked and you opened the door twat waffle” she said walking towards him “We just started getting the world reopen and you little pieces of shit anarchist wannabes decide to fuck with my life. Do you know how long I was waiting to be able to goddamned iced coffee from Starbucks?” she asked “Well do you”


“No ma’am” Brady replied quietly


“Almost two months and then you assholes who somehow think you are revolutionaries decided to go start burning Starbucks down. Well you know what fuck you guys. I don’t know what the hell you were thinking you were going to accomplish by doing this but all you have done is make sure that I vote straight ticket Republican in the next election”


“Big surprise old white lady votes for fascists” Dylan said once again acting tough


“Fascist?” Karen said as she put her finger in Dylan’s face “Fascists are people who go around breaking things and beating people who disagree with them” she growled “you know what that makes you?”


“Freedom fighters” Brady proudly said safely on the other side of the room


“No that makes you little spoiled fucks fascists” Karen correctly pointed out


“I live in a swing district that turned from red to blue in 2018 because frankly I don’t like the President much but you little assholes have pissed me off so much by running around LARPing at being revolutionaries I see no choice but to vote for him and make sure he has no checks on what he wants to do to you little shits”


“So you are going to punish minorities because you are mad at us for taking away your Starbucks? Fuck you bitch” Brady said holding back the tears that had started welling up inside him as he knew she was speaking the truth.


“I’m punishing minorities? I’m punishing minorities?” she said walking back to Brady “Really my dude? I fully fucking support marchers, I personally would like to string Chauvin up by his balls and make him watch the entire 50 Shades of Grey series and Sex in the City in it’s entireity before sending him off to be executed it’s you little fucks that hurting minorites by destroying their communities leaving them with food deserts” she explained curtly.


“If you little pricks haven’t noticed the minorities you claim to be fighting for don’t even want you there”


“Are blocking you from looting businesses”

“And beating you down and turning you over to the cops”




“So yeah you keep telling yourselves that you are fighting for the poor and downtrodden we all know that you are just acting out because the hot girls in high school didn’t want to fuck the human embodiment of soy”


Karen turned and walked out of the Antifa headquarters leaving Dylan, Lucas, and Brady crying and wanting their mommies


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©2020 by Flapper.

Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib