Editor's Note: Welcome back to Earth-69, a parallel universe where Donald Trump was re-elected to a second term as President of the United States. Let's see how they're dealing with news similar to that of our current universe.
On Thursday, President Trump's commented that his administration has been "considering" a controversial vaccine mandate for certain federal worker who are in close contact with the public.
After finishing a lengthy ceremony introducing Diamond and Silk, the two newest members of the recently expanded Supreme Court, the President responded to a question from a reporter on whether or not his administration would impose mandatory vaccination for federal workers.
"Yes, it's something we're considering, we haven't made a final decision yet" Trump responded, before adding "but it would be limited to federal workers who are dealing with the public every day, like postal workers, you know - they go door to door, touching mail and handing it to people. It can be a very dirty busy, being a postman, you have dogs chasing you, very dirty."
Before reporters could ask any follow-up questions, the President deflected by turning attention to his controversial new judicial appointees: "Look, we're here today to introduce two wonderful ladies, two beautiful ladies" Trump said glowingly, before quipping "two ladies I think are going to do a helluva job on the Bigly Court, that's what I call it since it's now bigger than before."
The President's remarks set off an immediate firestorm in Washington, with some Democrat leaders calling on the military to forcibly remove the President from office.
"This President has no respect for the constitution of his oath of office" said Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, during a press conference sitting atop of an M1 Abrams Tank.
"The thought that the President of the United States could force American citizens to be injected with a substance against their wishes is un-American. Let's call it what it is, folks, this is fascism" remarked Schumer, before asking on-lookers for help getting down from the third-generation American mobile attack unit so that he could use the restroom.
Democratic Congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, led a march toward on the White House, calling on fellow progressives to refuse any proposed mandates of a vaccine that she herself refused since it was developed under the current administration.
"I don't want anything associated with Donald Trump inside of me" screeched the assault-rifle wielding, lawmaker. "What Donald Trump is proposing is literal rape of millions of Americans." she added while firing three rounds in the air.
The congresswoman then went on to suggest that the proposed vaccine mandate specifically targeted people of color, who are disproportionately unvaccinated as compared to the rest of the population. "Donald Trump is only imposing this mandate because beautiful black and Latinx people are refusing to be injected with his toxic cocktail of hate!"
Current vaccinations do show that black and Latino Americans are vaccinated at rates demonstrably lower than that of the white population.
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, had the harshest remarks for the President, calling on Mark Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to immediately arrest Trump and Vice President Pence and install her as President of the United States.
"If this Mark Milley had any balls, he'd do something about this president - I don't even call him president anymore, I call him dictator. What's stopping Milley from arresting this dictator? He didn't even legitimately win this election, everyone knows Putin rigged it for him, again" Pelosi stated in response to questions from the press. "That Milley is a real pussy" exclaimed Pelosi, before asking forgiveness for her choice of words. "Sorry, please excuse my French, I'm a catholic and we shouldn't use such foul language. But Milley is a giant, dripping, pussy with big flippy-floppy labias. . . that's just my opinion."
Pelosi went a step further to suggest that she has been in contact with members of the recently defeated Taliban and that they were "ready, willing and able" to help support her effort to be installed as Commander -in-Chief. "I have been in contact with Taliban-refugees. They are greatly misunderstood people. They have changed and they are ready, willing and able to help us stop this dictator from implementing his latest act of domestic terror" Pelosi explained in response to a question.
"Imagine if Joe Biden was our President" Pelosi asked rhetorically to members of the press, before adding "Joe Biden would never have imposed a vaccine mandate on American citizens, he respected individual freedom."
This is so good. How is this content not bigger than other satire sites? How do we link it to Diamond and Silk. They need to see this.