We've all been there.
Christmas Eve…4 PM…all your Christmas shopping is done because your wife Black Friday'd for the kids. You peacefully complete your work day and then Jim from accounting comes by to drop off your department’s expense report and says “Have a good Christmas, oh and what'd you get Susan?”
In this moment, you are Martin Brody staring in horror at the beach during the shark attack, the camera pushing in while zooming out.
You are Frodo staring down the lane while a deathly gale of wind blows back your luscious locks, revealing your terrified sky blue eyes, but this time…the camera pushing out while zooming in.
A chilling sweat breaks out across your entire body. Every pore weeping as your eyes cannot, for the fever of fear has stricken them a desert of bloodshot nightmarish shock. Maybe a vessel bursts (that's up to you).
You feign a smile and say, “Oh I got her a good one this year,” while you grab your keys and sprint for the elevator.
It's now 4:49 PM on Christmas Eve. You have nothing for your wife. And no, *laughs*, no, you can't tie a ribbon around your…self and lay under the tree…you did that your first Christmas together and it was only barely acceptable because you were both twenty-something, broke, and she was still enough of a free spirit to act out your favorite scene from True Lies . . .
Lol, kids ruin everything.
If you - check that. . . WHEN you find yourself in this situation, here’s 5 things you can do to CYA for Christmas Morning. And yes, this is male centric. Women don't have this problem, but I'll offer some tips at the end for you too.
First: Think. Think harder than you ever thought you could think. Even harder than you thought on your LSAT, GMAT, MCAT, or…for most of the Flappr audience, *sigh* your bikini inspector certification exam.
She's been dropping hints, casually suggesting, and staring blankly into your soul while thinking of her wildest gift ideas expecting you to literally read her mind. Can't mind read? Pfft that's on you.
If you can recall, you've won. And you must go to any length to acquire that thing. If you can't get it today, the answer is right in front of you. Order it, print a picture of it, and tell her “I ordered one for you weeks ago but when it finally got here, it was broken, wrong color, etc.” but HAVE SOMETHING complimentary also there with it. She wanted a new $6,000 sewing machine? “Oh here's some new Gingher shears for when it arrives.” You've got to get comfortable with fudging the truth ever so slightly.
Second: Oh surprise surprise, you CAN’T recall what she hinted at endlessly or literally never mentioned once and you'd never know in a million years because she's never even seen hang gliding in Peru on tv. You're firmly in the camp of most men. Average. The middle of the bell. Now it comes to what you know ABOUT your wife. Does she enjoy exercising, outdoorsy, protein shake drinking activities? Well then get your sweating butt down to your finest sports retailer, preferably not a box store (show her you cared enough to spend 15% more), and buy her a new set of running shoes. It doesn't matter what they are, just get the most expensive ones and ask for a gift receipt. Then run over to Lulu and buy her two new sets of their nicest leggings and one of those *laughs* $168 full zip sweatshirts. And then one last stop at Bed, Bath, and Beyond (RIP any day now) for an in-cup blender. Wrap each item SEPARATELY. She not outdoorsy? Well you get the idea. Think of the things she enjoys, provide new, nice accoutrement.
Third: Every one of you idiots at some time or another has thought, “I like sex. She likes sex. I bet she'd like to get something sex related.” And you did it. You went out to the crappiest little “love store” in town and bought some gaudy, horrifying monster of a do-it-yourself three way for your wife, lovingly (read: tragically) wrapped it, and then put it under the tree.
Only for your unsuspecting five year old son to run down the stairs all too early on the morn of our Lord's birth, expecting Santa’s snowy footsteps to have brought a Nerf gun or a leather bound treatise on 13th century weapons technology only for him to grab the first package he sees and tear into it while your wife's gentle, doe eyed smile turns to utter horror and disgust as little Johnny suddenly wields his new “lightsaber”...that vibrates, rotates, and thrusts.
Gentlemen. Unless you really know your wife wants this “type” of gift, don't. DO take your wife, if you're already in the middle of a healthy intimate relationship, to dinner a week or so BEFORE Christmas, and then to a NICE store-of-ill-repute as a naughty fun treat and let HER do the choosing. There's always a great shop somewhere that's run by some 65 year old woman that genuinely wants your wife to enjoy her experience in-shop…and at home. If you and the woman are on the rocks? Avoid it all costs.
Fourth: We talked about one thing to avoid, let's talk about some more.
Is your home a little more on the cozy side? A little more on the “we eat Oreos but we're trying to quit” side? Your sweet lady saying things like, “Gah I'd sure love to get in shape this year” to your face?
It's a lie. You have to assume it's a lie. I'm begging you take for a fact that it's a lie. Women lie to you almost as much as themselves.
NEVER buy your wife a gym membership as a gift. Never buy your wife, who does not workout, workout clothes. DO come to her at ANOTHER time and talk about how you'd like to get healthy as a couple and how she'd feel most comfortable doing that.
Do not wrap a Planet Fatness membership card and put it under the tree.
Christmas is for love and fun. You will find neither if you do this.
For the love of God, buy jewelry. But not ANY jewelry. Think about what she wears. It's not heart shaped. It's not Liberace’s Prince Albert charms. It's subtle, tasteful. It's “I'm going to Zales to find a set of 1.25ct diamond earrings in white gold and pray they're less than $1,200.
Christmas is for love and fun…and for ALL of your Christmas bonus.
Fifth: Is your wife a MILF? Of young children? Well my dude…you are in. luck. Swing by Hobby Lobby, grab all the glitter, glue, frames, and macaroni you can get ahold of, and then kidnap your kids to the garage while you send your wife up to take a bath. You print 3-5 pictures of those kids with said bathing woman (not…at the same…time…) and set them to work making beautiful creations of Christmas wonder that will litter the walls and dressers of your home for the rest of your earthly life.
Or, if you're married to a white woman, you can skip the photos and get her some chintzy rustic décor instead. White women f*cking love chintzy rustic décor.
*Editor's Note: You might even get laid if you bring home one of those "bless this mess" signs from Bed Bath & Beyond. **Author's Note to Editor's Note: I completely disagree. There are NO guarantees.
And that's it muh dudes. You want tools and practical things that you need. She wants things she wants, not needs. She does want her kitchen remodeled with all new matching appliances. She doesn't want *A* new appliance for Christmas morning. She might actually want a fancy new B.O.B. She absolutely doesn't want to unwrap it in front of your kids, parents, in-laws, and grandparents. It's not hard, it just takes money...just like how you got her from that Ukrainian mail ord...nevermind.
Oh and ladies, your turn. What does your man who says, “I already have the greatest gift…you” (every man says that) really want? Tools and/or hobbies, but there's a difference between need and want for us as well.
We want a new MP160 Jointer Planer.
We want a new Fender American Pro II Precision Bass in Olympic White with a Maple fretboard and tortoise pickguard.
We want a (very non-lesbian) 1998 Subaru Impreza 22B STi.
You don't really know what we need, but you know what we like...and you think everything we want is dumb. So in reality, a gift card to Home Depot, a new pair of Vans Slip-Ons, and some ammo to our favorite EDC is all we need. We already got what we really want…you!
So, my fellow weary husbands and wives, Merry Christmas and if you need more help, just write Uncle Santa AC on Twitter: @ywst_ac
May your winter be enjoyed by fireside and your water-based lubricants actually see some use. Happy Hunting.