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Biden His Time

“Where’s Joe, Fat?” This question lies heavily on the minds of all Americans. As President Trump heroically musters the industrial and scientific might of this great nation to combat the disease that must not be named, former Vice President Biden has disappeared into a mysterious void. When he’s not radio-silent, Biden deigns to contact the public from his hidden survival shelter with what we can only assume to be Cold War era technology. Amidst scratchy footage of the formerly second most powerful man in the world we can hear faint expressions of confusion and dismay. “Is this working? Can they hear us? Are any still alive out there?” Admittedly, the third quotation cannot be confirmed by yours truly, but an anonymous source has been rather convincing.

Yet perhaps these glitches are not mistakes but aspects of a grand design. Those who are not irredeemably uninformed or profoundly brainwashed are aware of bipartisan concerns regarding Biden’s health and sanity. The pundit sphere of Twitter has suggested that Biden, being incapacitated in some way, may have been replaced by a hologram. However, while this author finds the idea intriguing and amusing, the logistics of building holographic projectors at each Biden rally seem too onerous a project for a party known for solving its problems with brisk subterfuge.

It has been suggested that the “Joe Biden” we see on camera is baffled by rather simple questions because he is not the original Joe Biden. He is one of many clones forced to face the media without adequate time to learn the memories of the proto-Biden. These clones are dispatched and “recycled” upon any instance of failure à la Epstein. This author will continue to investigate this possibility. In the meantime, pay attention to “Joe’s” facial expressions the next time “he” appears on television. You may notice that his skin may look a little more youthful than it did months ago. -Soy


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