Welcome to Flappr’s Big TDs Mock Draft or, as I call it, how your team will raise your expectations but ultimately blow the pick and ruin your fall.
Now I’m sure you’ve read a lot of mock drafts already, after all the Sports Journalism Industrial Complex is based almost entirely on the NFL and needs to keep football fans enraged and engaged to validate its existence. As someone who has been following the NFL draft since before it became akin to a Disney production, let me tell you - all those mock drafts will be wrong. oversaturation all of those mock drafts are wrong. This mock draft will also be wrong because all mock drafts will are wrong.
With that in mind, I am only doing the first 12 picks because by pick five all mock drafts will look worse than a Kentucky fan’s NCAA bracket.
Let's get started.
#1 Chicago Bears - Caleb Williams, QB, USC
The Bears are filled with pride as they make the fabulous pick of 2022 Heisman Trophy winner, Caleb Williams, who they will likely trade for a 7th-round pick three years from now. For now, however, the Bears fans will be painting the town as bright as their new QB’s fingernails in celebration.
In all seriousness, Williams was a really good QB as a true freshman and never got any better. Last season, he regressed as the year went on and was bad against any teams that played defense. He’ll be crying on the phone to his mom by mid-October and Bears fans will be painting their nails black in mourning of another failed quarterback draft pick.
#2 - Washington Redskins - Jayden Daniels, QB, LSU
Fuck the NFL. They’re the Redskins. In the post-Dan Snyder era, the 'Skins want to make a splash - so, they'll select reigning Heisman Trophy winner, Jayden Daniels.
Daniels is an excellent QB with a great ability to make off-schedule plays. He’s a better passer than Lamar Jackson but I fear his slight frame will cause him to wear down quickly if he tries to use his legs too much.
#3 - New England Patriots - J.J. McCarthy, QB, Michigan
Is there a better match made in football heaven than the New England Patriots and J.J. McCarthy? Just think of all the screaming about “cheaters love cheaters” that opposing fan bases will do when they select the safest QB in the first round.
I know it’s in fashion to shit on McCarthy, however, anyone who has watched him play knows his talent floor is Brock Purdy and his ceiling is Joe Burrow. I know there will be plenty of laughing and screaming about this statement but fuck you, you’re all wrong.
#4 - Arizona Cardinals - Marvin Harrison Jr., WR, Ohio State
The Cardinals select Marvin Harrison Jr to replace Hollywood Brown and he is never heard from again. Don’t get me wrong he puts up good numbers - but nobody ever watches Cardinals' games.
#5 - Minnesota Vikings (via trade with the San Diego Chargers) - Drake Maye, QB, North Carolina
Jim Harbaugh trades the 5th overall pick to the Vikings for two pairs of khaki pants, a case of whole milk, and a slew of draft picks. With the 5th pick, the Vikings take Drake Maye. Drake has a lot of upside if they can fix his footwork.
The problem is that his QB coach will be his high school head coach who never fixed his footwork. So instead of getting the next Josh Allen the Vikings end up with the next Bobby Douglass (editor's note: for all the non-boomers reading this, Bobby Douglass is a Chicago Bears QB from the '70s who could not throw, but ran for a lot of yards. I assume Nero, a boomer, included him in this blog to mock my Bears fandom).
#6 - New York Giants - Joe Alt, OT, Notre Dame
The Giants luck out and get Joe Alt. He’s a fucking mountain of a human, who stands 6'8 and weighs 322 lbs. He will anchor the left side of the OL for Big Blue for over a decade of 7-to-10-win seasons and early playoff exits because they have no QB and cannot develop one.
#7 - Tennessee Titans - Guy With Exotic Name, OT, Penn State
Tennessee selects the OT from Penn State whose name I cannot spell and I don’t feel like typing out here (editor's note: his name is Olumuyiwa Fashanu). He’s a great player and will anchor their OL for over a decade of 8-to-11-win seasons and the occasional late playoff exit.
#8 - Atlanta Falcons - Dallas Turner, DE/OLB, Alabama
Finally, someone goes defense. The Falcons select Dallas Turner, who will have many years of double-digit sack production, more playoff wins than the Dallas Cowboys, and will never be heard of again because nobody cares about the Falcons.
#9 - Chicago Bears - Malik Nabers, WR, LSU
Now, I know Bartleby thinks his Bears will go with Rome Odunze here (editor's note: I do) but he’s wrong (editor's note: I'm not).
The Bears surprisingly draft extremely well aside from the QB position, so here they take the best WR in the draft Malik Neighbors (editor's note: leaving this misspelling in) who is so good that he will make Caleb Williams look decent in September. He'll also make Bears backup QB, Tyson Bagent, look good in December after Williams takes a few mental health days down the stretch.
#10 - New York Jests - Rome Odunze, WR, Washington
Yes, you read that right, they are the Jests. The Jests take Odunze who has a great first month of the season then Aaron Rodgers leaves the team to join RFK Jr’s campaign and Odunze is never heard from again.
#11 - San Diego Chargers (via trade with the Minnesota Vikings) - Bruising OT from Oregon State, OT, Oregon State
The Chargers select that bruising OT from Oregon State whose name I cannot pronounce and I don’t feel like typing out (editor's note: his name is Taliese Fuaga). He is a brawler and will anchor the OL for the five years Harbaugh is with the team before he inevitably wears out his welcome and goes back to college.
#12 - Denver Broncos - Brock Bowers and Mrs. Bowers, TE/MILF, Georgia
The Broncos get new QB Zach Wilson what he desires, Brock Bowers’ mom. In all seriousness, Bowers is the draft’s best value over a replacement player. Sean Payton will make great use of him and be seen a lot because the Broncos play in the same division as the Raiders, Chiefs, and Harbaugh. All good for TV ratings.