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Why Not Just Nuke The Coronavirus?

Dear readers,

Welcome again to another iteration of STrong OPinions, your one-stop shop for critical analysis and unconventional wisdom. Today I ask the question that seemingly no-one in our policy establishment has the guts to ask: With all these new OmniCrom variants running amok, with vaccines losing their mojo, and so many citizens at the end of their tether – at this point, why not simply nuke the coronavirus?

Sayonara suckers!

I mean, do you youngsters have any idea what a modern thermonuclear weapon can do? Just one of these bad boys can vaporize everything within a 50-mile radius. I mean, everything! Doesn’t matter if it’s made out of steel or concrete or brick or timber, you drop one of these suckers in the middle and – KABLAMO! – all that’s left is a steaming pile of smoldering rubble.

Naturally, I have to imagine this would include any coronaviruses in the area. For one thing, coronaviruses are very, very, very small. They probably fall apart in a stiff breeze for Christ sakes! And they’d almost certainly be annihilated by the tremendous shockwave of one or more hydrogen bombs. It’s all so obvious I can’t believe no-one has suggested this yet – not Dr. Fauci, or that other lady, or that other-other lady. Good grief! What are we paying you people for?!

Now, what I would do, if I were president, as soon as I heard there was a new covid variant, I would immediately order a preemptive nuclear strike, no questions asked. So, there’s this OmniCrom thing in South Africa, eh? Alright then. Cover your ears, South Africa! This is going to be loud! WHOOSH!

I mean, why do we have these puppies in the first place if we can’t let one off the leash once in a while? Goddammit, my tax dollars pay for those awesome things, and I think I’m jolly well within my rights to demand I get some BANG for my buck… Heh, heh, heh…

As of right now, I can see almost no downside. Maybe there might be some hazardous clean-up work afterwards, but that’s a minor concern. In fact, I think nuking the coronavirus could have other benefits as well. I believe it would vastly improve our standing on the world stage. It’d really let those blasted Russkis and Chicoms know we ain’t fooling around no more.

Hell, if you ask me, we should’ve nuked Wuhan a long time ago. Right at the start, we should’ve just dropped a nuke on top of that cruddy viral research lab of theirs. That’s the source of this whole thing, as I understand it.

And hey, you never know? Maybe if we kill the source, the rest of the coronaviruses will die off on their own. It’s a little like how in the movies if you kill the head vampire all the other vampires revert back to human form. It undoes the curse somehow. Anyway, it’s worth a shot at least. Again, why aren’t there committees of experts looking into this?

It boggles my mind why no-one in the United States seems to think this is a good idea. We have the tools. Why don’t we have the guts to use them? I think it’s high-time we found our balls again, because I hate to break it to you, these variants are going to keep coming.

So yes. Either we nuke this fucking thing or – I don’t know, here’s another suggestion – we just learn to live with it. Sound like a plan?

Anyway, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Until next time.


James O’Flannery


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