Editor's Note: It's summer and we're a few months away from the primary season becoming even more incredibly wild, dumb and nasty. So, while we still can, we're going to try and keep the vibe light and fun with a series of occasional <rank random thing> blogs. They're clickbait listicles, but ironic, Flappr-style, listicles!
As George Will once wrote in his seminal baseball book “Men at Work” ‘Baseball’s two fundamental tools are the ball and the bat.” (195) And in the case of the Home Run Derby, great athletes are called upon
to wield these tools to defeat man’s oldest enemy, walls.
The 2023 home run derby pitted rising stars, pedigreed champions, and a goofy white guy who may have lied his way into the competition under a fake name, in head to head matchups to determine the most important question. What does ESPN do when there is literally no sport being played the second week of July?
Here at Flappr we salute and rank the performances of the top 10 players in this year’s Home Run Derby.
10. Mookie Betts
Mookie Betts, clearly a make a wish kid granted entry into the competition with a fatally bad name comes last in our rankings. Despite his obvious deficiencies, he managed to knock 11 home runs over the fence. Presumably one that was placed at the end of the infield, as people took pity on him.
Fun fact: the average exit velocity of Mookie’s home run hits clocked in at a low 98.7, aided in part by the speed cameras picking up the crowds running to the aisles to get a beer during his at bat.
8/9 (tie) Everybody who didn’t enter the HR derby.
By virtue of not entering the Derby, the following individuals were spared the embarrassment of hitting as few as 11 home runs when every pitch is a potato over the plate, Shohei Ohtani, Ronald Acuna Jr, a retired Alex Rodriguez, Kim Kardashian, Convicted Murderer Robert Durst, and Mike Trout, who would have hit 11 with the cast on his broken hand.
The grip on the ball you're seeing? That's Kim's signature pitch - The Man Ruiner (aka The Juicer).
7. Adolis Garcia
Adolis Garcia faced off in his head-to-head matchup against friend and former team mate Arozarena in a score fixing scheme that would make Pete Rose proud. He gave his friend a sporting effort in only hitting 17 Home Runs, well short of his competition because he had a bus to catch.
6. Pete Alanso
Alonso also fell in the first head to head round, clocking in 21 dingers. But looking at this guy, he may have just lied about being from the Mets, something nobody actually admits to doing. Except Daryl Strawberry, but he was on all the drugs at the time and only joined so he could snort the pinstripes on his uniform.
Seriously, though it's a good thing that Strawberry is not dead.
5. Adley Rutschman
Rutchmen is the last of our first round losers, with 27 Home runs to his name. In the bonus time afforded to players, he switched from hitting left to hitting right.
Pride month is over Adley, nobody cares that you swing both ways.
4. Julio Rodriguez
Julio Rodriguez marks the first of our winners of the 1st round having crushed a contest leading 41 home runs against Pete I’m Going to Die Alone Alonso. Due to an esoteric rule called, tough luck, none of those home runs counted towards his next round where he was completely out of home run juice and was sent packing.
3. Luis Robert Jr.
Luis Robert proved that you can never trust a man with two first names. At least not when it comes to winning multiple rounds. He barely eeked out a win over a Rutschman and while his longest ball went an impressive 470 feet, he could not manage to overcome the overwhelming ennui that comes with realizing if he failed to increase his trade value here, he’d be stuck with the White Sox for another 3 months.
He did crank out some pretty long dingers, though. . . so that was cool.
2. Randy Arozarena
What can be said about Randy Arozarena that wouldn’t require pronouncing his name wrong? The man came in with a combined 82 home runs across three rounds of play. This singular performance is the greatest of the night, making him the undisputed king of second place because he did not distribute his runs appropriately. We here at Flappr would say tough luck, but it’s an exhibition match used to sell Toyota Trucks, not a sport.
Big props for walking out in cowboy boots, though. . . that was pretty cool.
1. Vladimir Guerrero Jr.
It must be tough being the son of one of the greatest hitters that the sport has ever known. It also must be tough to be a black Dominican with a Russian first name. But there are few things quite as sweet as winning the home run derby. Except not having to play for a Canadian team.
Guerrero hit with remarkable consistency across rounds, notching 26, 21 and 25 dingers respectively. These numbers fall well short of the lead for most home runs in a round, or the most home runs in the derby. But it makes him the undisputed winner of the derby because Baseball’s rules make no sense and most people watching are drunk anyways.
He did hit a kid in the face, though . . . so he has that going for him.
Conclusion: This list just ranked the order in which participants finished in the 2023 Home Run Derby, that's all it was. I can offer no further analysis. What a waste of everyone's time.