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Thong Clad Bride Twerks Groom Into Oblivion

Today is Friday, Rome is burning while our nominal, demented, leader fumbles his way through another speech and his unelected demon-elf toady does his best to scare the public back into their homes.

No, here at Flappr, we're intent on covering stories that uplift, stories that inspire, stories that YOU care about. . . like large bottomed, thong wearing, brides twerking all over their grooms at their wedding receptions:

There is a lot to unpack here (including the ample glutes of the not-so-blushing bride).

First off, no matter what you think of putting on such a display in front of all of your closest friends and family - you gotta admit, this bride (known as Rochelle. apparently) is built like a brick shithouse and possesses the appropriate hardware to pull off this ass-gyrating dance routine. Good for her!

Big props for wearing a white thong on your wedding day - don't want to send the wrong signal here.

In my humble opinion, if this bride had a less pronounced caboose, the whole thing wouldn't have worked. This would've been a different kind of pathetic had a bride with a diminutive dumper attempted to celebrate her nuptials by shaking her flat bottom with nanna and pop-pop in attendance.

Now, whether or not this performance was appropriate for a wedding reception is likely subject to "cultural" and personal preferences. For me personally, this is a bit too fucking wild and embarrassing.

If I was the groom, I'd be sitting there (miserably uncomfortable) wondering what type of sausage jockey I just saddled up with as I mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to my sobbing mother looking on in horror.

Dammit, I knew listening to Call Her Daddy was a red flag.

My man in the video? He seems to be digging what his new wife is dishing out and looks straight up thrilled that he is now the proud owner of an ass that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot blush. I mean just look at his smile - that's the smile of a man who knows he's about to do some wild shit later in the evening.

Good for him!

"I knew that engineering degree from MIT would payoff!"

What's really pretty amazing here is that our girl didn't just put on some scandalous solo act. No, no, our bootylicious bride enlisted her entire crew of bridesmaids to join in on the fun.

How does that even work? Hey, I'm gonna need you to pick up your bridesmaid dress and the choreography for our ass shake routine for the reception.

Wait, what?

Yeah, I'm gonna throw on a thong and shake my ass in front of Darnell's face during the reception and all of the girls are going to join in at some point.

Oh, snap, for real? Umm do I have to participate in the twerking. . . our aunties are friends and my auntie will be there so. . . .

Yeah, you do. Don't make me regret choosing you as a bridesmaid, Leticia, this is my fucking day and I say we're shaking our asses in front of my entire family.

Aight then . . . .

"Dammit, Leticia, your twerking rhythm is all off, did you even practice?"

What about the husbands and boyfriends of the bridesmaids, they were cool with their significant others getting down like this on the dance floor? I mean, fuck, if my girlfriend's the maid of honor at this wedding and I see this shit going down, her ass is taking an Uber home.

To me, it's clear that the only winning proposition here is to be a guest at a wedding with an ass-clapping bride.

If I'm being honest, attending weddings (other than your own) is typically a miserable experience. The food sucks, dancing is for women and gay men and I'm usually scoping the room to see when the first few people leave - so as to determine when my own exit becomes socially acceptable.

"Everyone knows you googled "best maid of honor speech" for this bullshit"

Now, it's possible that I think weddings are boring because I've mostly attended boring, white people, weddings. If an ass-clapping bride is added to the wedding equation - that changes everything.


Not necessarily because I want to see a bride's stinky ass in public, with my wife nearby, no less, but because an ass-clapping bride is a legit a spectacle. The people watching at a wedding with an ass-clapping bride has to be top rate.

I'm not leaving the ass-clapping bride wedding early, that I can promise.

I need to see how mom and dad react. Does the groom have a sister? If so, what faces is she making as her new sister-in-law shoves her butthole in her brother's face. I'm going to be asking where the the bride works (probably in adult entertainment) and if her boss is in attendance. I'm going to be texting my friends photos the entire time and I'm going to be leaving that wedding with a story to share for the next 10 years.

Basically, these two dudes have the right idea, whip out that phone, soak up the circus and keep your wife, daughter, girlfriend, sister off the pole.

"The resolution on this new iPhone is unreal, bruh"

And before you get all uppity on me, my rule on a spectacle wedding crosses racial boundaries. I would be just as eager to attend a freak show white people wedding as I would be to attend a black one where the bride gives the groom a nasty case of pink eye.

I mean, do you think I'm leaving this wedding early?

No chance.

I'm going sit contently, enjoy wedding cake made out of Twinkies and wait to see if one of the bride's former lovers gets drunk enough on Four Lokos to pick a fight with her father.

At the end of the day, I say, so long as you're not hurting anyone else, do what makes you happy. If you want to throw on a thong and shake your ass at your wedding, then Godspeed, my caboose-twerking friend.

The freedom to do wild shit and act inappropriately is part of what makes America the best place on earth. So go out there and throw a wedding that people will remember, for better or for worse, through sickness and in health, til death do you part.

Happy Friday and God Bless America


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