Alright, you worthless maggots! Listen up! My name is Brigadier General Starla “Two Mommies” McPherson, and for the next six months, I’ll be your commanding officer here at Fort Kendi (formerly Fort Benning). That’s right, ladies – although I don’t mean that negatively, since the new and improved Army Field Manual makes it clear a woman is the physical equal of a male, NO EXCEPTIONS!!! – anyway, like I was saying… The brass-hats in Washington got the bright idea to make soldiers out of you useless scum, and one way or another, I mean to do it!
Being a soldier in today’s army takes courage. Not so much the kind of courage to charge a machine gun nest or throw yourself onto a grenade. That’s all nonsensical Hollywood pretend courage, or what we like to call “toxic courage” around here. No, I mean the kind of courage it takes to challenge traditional gender norms and upend the status-quo. The kind of courage it takes to lead a platoon through a series of demanding diversity and inclusivity workshops, even when it seems like everyone around you is riddled with implicit biases. That’s real courage! That’s what the modern army is all about!
Do you know what else it takes? It takes grit. Not so much the kind of grit to withstand an artillery barrage or spend months in a sweltering jungle swarming with enemy patrols. Hell no! I mean the kind of grit to endlessly shame business leaders and university administrators until they submit to your worldview. The kind of grit it takes to complain to anyone and anything until you get your way. That’s the kind of grit I’m talking about!
It also requires the physical fitness needed to march all the way to headquarters and hand in your doctor’s note excusing you from physical exercise that day. It also requires the mental toughness to tell your commander – with a straight face – that you additionally require a support animal, your own enclosed safe-space on the firing line, and segregated barracks so you don’t have to risk feeling uncomfortable around those who don’t share your racial identity.
These are the qualities that will help us win the wars of the future!
And what wars might those be? Who will be the enemies of tomorrow? Who threatens everything America stands for? Alt-right white nationalists, that’s who!
And they’re everywhere. They live among us, work alongside us, and even (in a few cases) sleep beside us. Why, you yourself might even be in a pansexual polyamorous union with a white male nationalist and not even know it!
And how do we separate the acceptable “white male allies” from the deplorable white male domestic terrorists? Well, it isn’t easy. For one thing, they all look alike. You might be talking to a perfectly reasonable white male, maybe a good friend or coworker, and then he mentions how he found a Jordan Peterson lecture interesting and thought-provoking. At that point, you know you’re dealing with a WMT (white male terrorist) for sure!
But never fear. With a thorough understanding of modern U.S. Army equipment and tactics, you can neutralize the threat in the blink of an eye. First, draw your service-issued smartphone, then log into Twitter with your service-issued credentials, and alert your local law enforcement agency that you have the WMT cornered. While you wait for law enforcement to arrive and arrest the WMT, remember to record his entire conversation for future blackmail opportunities.
If you feel confident enough, you might even try goading him into incriminating himself further. For example, you may want to ask, “What do you think of Black Lives Matter? Not the slogan, obviously, but the organization?” Be sure to record his full response, especially the arrogant smirk on his stupid fat face while he digs his own grave. However, if he remains calm and persists in patiently laying out his arguments, then you need to proceed to Code 318: Call in air support by hysterically wailing at the top of your lungs.
Never forget, soldier, the WMT is your enemy. Maybe not all white males are WMT’s, but better safe than sorry. Always remember that the WMT is a pitiless treacherous opponent. They won’t always try to rape and kill you. Many, in fact, would prefer to try to debate you – which can be every bit as traumatic as rape or assault, since unwelcome speech is the exact equivalent of violence. Don’t give them a chance! Don’t let them get a word out!
When you stick your hand… into a bunch of goo… that a moment before was your best friend’s argument for why boys should wear dresses to school… Believe me… You’ll know what to do.
There isn’t room for cowards in this army. Instead we refer to them as GADI's (generalized anxiety disorder individuals) and do everything in our power to ensure they receive the adequate care they deserve. If you feel you may be an anxiety-victimized individual, suffering from the PTSD of having to constantly educate your parents on how they're (probably) racists, sexists, and transphobes, then by all means, soldier! Hold up your yellow "safety card", informing all officers and non-com's that you are excused from drills that day.
We, here at the new-and-improved U.S. Army believe that nothing is more important than the safety of our soldiers. That is why we will be slowly phasing out all rifles, pistols, rockets, grenades, cannons, missiles, and attack helicopters from our arsenal. It just isn't safe to have U.S. soldiers handling such inherently dangerous equipment. Instead, all army firepower will be consolidated into the drone strike program - whose control interfaces will be retooled to include cute and cuddly anime characters (indicating civilians) and nasty ugly anime characters (indicating WMT's).
Of course, only the top recruits will be designated for the drone strike program. After basic training, most of you will be assigned to any number of our newly organized SSM (social media monitoring) divisions. Your mission will be to identify, infiltrate, and harass various problematic organizations harboring potential WMT's. Partnering with our heroic Chinese allies, we have imported several advanced technologies to improve our information gathering capabilities. Soon, all potential WMT's will be tracked for possible indoctrination into radical white male beliefs. These include: showing up to work on time, putting money aside for retirement, opening doors for women (or woman-identifying individuals), and waiting until marriage to have children.
So, saddle up, ladies! (Again, I mean that positively). We've got a lot of work to do! The U.S. Army needs selfless and committed warriors. Of course, I'm not talking about the toxic masculine warriors of the past - who prized courage, honor, and loyalty above all else. No, no! I mean neurotic social justice warriors who will call each other out at the first opportunity in a ridiculous effort to improve their victimhood status. That's the right way to serve your country!
Because when the dogs of war are slipped loose, when the sky above you is filled with bullets and the ground below you is pounded by shellfire, you’ll want the non-binary sexually-questioning person in your foxhole to respect your goddamn pronouns. Believe me.
All that clear, you sons or daughters (or INSERT GENDER HERE) of bitches? Good! Let's move out!
Brig. Genl. Starla “Two Mommies” McPherson