Ladies. . . 'Tis The MFing Season. . . it's December 9th, which means you've already bought a gift for literally everyone in your life, including the mailman, the garbage man and the lady who helped you pick out that bangin' pair of tights at Lululemon.
The only person left on your list is, of course . . .your manz, who likes nothing, offers basically zero hints and makes the task of gift purchasing essentially impossible.
That's where this handy-dandy guide comes in - my attempt to help sherpa you on this most difficult assignment with a list of ideas to make his holiday season jolly and/or bright.
Now, while the old standbys - Hanes T-shirts and tighty-whities (hawt, btw) - never go out of style, I thought maybe I could help you to come up with more goodies to put under the tree for your fella (or next to your menorah, idk how the Hanukkah stuff works, but at least you know I’m trying).
Actually, almost none of this can go under a tree, but here's my advice anyway.
Idea #1 - Make Him A Sammich
I’m opening with the obvious because I can think of no better gift idea that tells him “hey, I was just thinking about you” than his favorite sammich on a plate.
Pack it with all the good meats and sauces, top it with tater chips and turn on a movie he loves.
Then, of course, when he leaves to use the washroom, proceed to eat 1/2 of the sandwich (after he offered 1/2 and you refused).
Oh, and for the love of God, just this once - stop yourself from asking questions about the plot.
Idea #2 - Buy Him Lingerie
This one feels like a trick because while you're technically buying it for you . . . *OH BOY* is it actually for him. And, in this era of mind-reading algorithms, your Instagram feed is about to be filled with a plethora of lingerie companies from which you’ll find the perfect little something to leave him positively flapprgasted (yes, I just did that).
Your man is out there doing all of the back-breaking/soul-crushing/mind-numbing work to care for the family, and you want to show him he's appreciated. So here’s your opportunity to find something that makes you feel sultry and seductive, do your makeup, throw the kids in bed early for once, and then go all Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies on his ass.
Editor's note: Wow, totally forgot this scene went on for 3 minutes. . .
He’ll be so grateful that he'll probably do the dishes for you for a week after (and the RIGHT way, instead of putting them in the dishwasher still caked with spaghetti sauce).
Idea #3 - Whisper Sweet Nothings
I’m gonna level with you - you’re a woman, which means you're demanding and needy and you whine sometimes, and you HAVE to get your way by any means necessary (these are doubly true if you're a white woman).
You require a tad bit of maintenance and he’s there, next to you, putting up with your year worth of bullshit. Why not tell him how much you appreciate that he’s your sounding board?
There he is, just taking off his coat after work, looking for a moment to collect himself and you’ve already started in about how the kids did x, y and z, your sister-in-law is being a bitch and the washer stopped working. . . because “you just need to *vent*”
I’m annoyed for him, just thinking about it.
So tell him it’s hot when he listens to you and you’re so glad you picked him to verbal vomit your tirade about that annoying mom at the PTA onto.
Then pull out the aforementioned lingerie and just get to it - he might do laundry for a week (and the RIGHT way, instead of drying your new Lululemon tights even though you've told him it f*cks up the elasticity).
Idea #4 - Whatever He’s Already Told You About
Depending on the type of man in your life, there is a chance he's already mentioned something he likes or wants or needs.
Sometimes they make it easy, there’s no secret message to decipher, no hidden meaning in his words… just a clear and direct phrase. “I need to update some of my camping gear” does not mean “please go buy me those very ghey snakeskin boots you saw on that Instagram influencer.” he doesn’t like them and you’re setting yourself up for hurt feelings when he never wears the gift you picked out because you thought he couldn’t possibly mean what he said.
If he says he wants camping gear, just buy him some f*cking camping gear.
Idea #5 - Buy Him Nothing
You can always just buy him nothing.
To be fair, you've tried to buy him things before. . . Air Pods he said were too expensive. . . That 1/4 Zip he said looked fruity. . . The shaving kit he shuns in favor of the six-month-old disposable razor that cuts his face, but that he refuses to abandon.
Oh, and who can forget the camping gear you bought him because he said he wanted camping gear? Awww shucks, you bought the wrong brand of hiking boots (he says they're ghey-looking) and now they sit in a box in the closet - unworn (and next to those very ghey snakeskin boots you saw on that Instagram influencer).
He won't like it, he won't wear it, he'll say he doesn't need and you're likely just going to save him 50 dollars he can use on a drill or some food item that will cause him to stink up the living room for an entire afternoon.
Buying him nothing is always an option - you can even tell him to go buy something on your personal credit card, wrap it himself and put it under the tree from you.
Idea #6 - Just Blow Him
Ah yes, we've reached the eponymous part of this blog.
Yes, you can skip the lingerie, skip the sweet nothings, skip the buying him something he mentioned and just blow him.
Truth be told, this is probably what he wants most anyways - so extend the annual Lewinsky List to include "Christmas" to go along with "His Birthday" and "Your Anniversary".
When your extended family (finally) leaves, the house is cleaned and the kids are put to bed, it's showtime. Do him a solid, make him (and his yule long) Ho-Ho-Ho and jingle all the way and whatever other Christmas-themed euphemism you can conjure up.
If you really want to win bonus points, combine this idea with Number 1, and give him a Christmas bloagie (Look it up. Sorry mom.) If you do, he might even fix the washing machine (the RIGHT way, not like that time he just banged it with a hammer until it stopped wobbling).
Holly Jolly Bonus Idea #7:
I don’t think you can improve much on this fantastic list (she’s humble, too!), but to paraphrase the words of the sage and wisdomess of Mariah Carey. . . "all he wants for Christmas is you."
Remember how you used to just sit and talk? Maybe you’d flirt with him a little, stroke his arm and his ego (not where you thought I was going with that, huh?), giggle at his jokes, and just generally dote on him?
Yeah, he still likes that. Pinky swear.
He wants your attention, like you want his own. He just doesn’t stamp his feet and throw a tantrum and say things like “I’m FINE!” in an attempt to get it.
So light a candle, pour some good bourbon, and date your manz (and then proceed directly back to #6).
Oh and ladies, your turn. Just in case any of my gentlemen followers have found their way into this gab fest to see what we’re up to in the midst of this holiday gifting heart-to-heart (not a pillow fight, I’m sorry to report to you), in the hopes that we’ll let it slip what *we* want. . . I’ll help you out - it’s #7.
That’s really the answer - it's you, we want you.
We want you to date us too. Pour us some wine, show off your tush in those tighty-whities (seriously…hawt), rub our feet, and I bet that you're going to find that the special woman in your life is more than satisfied. . . so long as you throw in some rustic decor. Oh, and please, don't buy her a dildo.
Merry Christmas to you and yours, and here’s hoping you get your jingle balls rocked (I’m so sorry but I just had to).
If you need more suggestions, my wit and charm is available to you over @fancythis on Twitter.