It has come to my attention that the management of Flappr Corp. has recently and publicly suggested the company will be suspending, for the foreseeable future, any and all operations. And as longstanding reader and contributor to this particular publishing concern, allow me to say, emphatically and unreservedly…
…I wholeheartedly agree.
Enough’s enough, people. This so-called “internet publication” has not proven itself a satisfactory platform for my scintillating and illuminating Good Thing, Bad Thing lectures, nor my Pulitzer-worthy editorials, nor my excellent Octo-Reviews series, nor my rapturous (and ever growing) slate of romance novels.
If even I, Professor James O’Flannery, with my abundant store of knowledge and consummate wordsmithery, cannot develop a following teeming in the millions, then surely no-one can. And before you ask, No! I will not be joining the TWITer or any comparable example of social-ism media. Traditional advertising should’ve been sufficient to promote my work. When I began this partnership, I anticipated that a month or two of solid writing would yield at least a book deal. Yet, so far, there has been nothing. Zilch. Nada. This is unacceptable.
Furthermore, the assortment of deranged minds pulled together by this firm’s tyrannical owner/editor/operator defies description. Never since my old army days – which never actually happened – have I ever been surrounded by such twisted, degenerate, vulgar, and obscene characters as I have now.
I think each and every one of you are an utter disgrace. You are the lowest form of life. The most loathsome scum ever vomited into existence by this increasingly worthless planet. I despise all of you. Were it in my power, I would have all of you committed to an insane asylum for emergency lobotomization. It would be too good for you. You make me sick with all your ranting and raving. Why can’t you put the phone down for a minute and go for a walk once in a while – preferably over a cliff and into a bottomless abyss, that is (heh, heh).
Anyway, that’s how I feel.
However, and despite the aforementioned commentary, I would agree to the continued existence of the Flappr, should the following demands be met:
1) It must correctly spell its name as “The Flapper”.
1A) Alternatively, it may rename itself to “The Flapper Daily” or “The Flapper Tribune” or similar.
2) The company will restrict itself to traditional advertising methods and immediately remove all presence from TWITer and Face Space.
3) All regular contributors will receive a monthly stipend of $1500, or (at minimum) a Flappr-branded ballcap and beer koozie.
4) All written or verbal memoranda between Flappr contributors and staff should end with the words “God Save These United States!”
5) Purely for artistic (and/or educational) purposes, some female nudity should occasionally be allowed by the unbelievably craven and censorious editing committee. Male nudity is not necessary.
6) The following holidays should be observed and commemorated: Flag Day (June 14th), Groundhog Day (February 2nd), Pioneer Day (July 24th), and Moon Day (July 20th). These are in addition to the normally celebrated holidays. The last holiday is one of my own invention, which commemorates the day Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin landed on the moon. It’s called Moon Day, because that’s when they landed. I can provide more details upon request.
Now then, this list of demands is by no means exhaustive. I expect a prompt reply or I’m afraid my support for this internet publication will collapse at once. You may respond to me in writing, as per usual, through the electronic mail program on your computer.
Oh, and by the way, I loved the Hank Aaron article from the other day. Great work. Keep it up.