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It's Cool, We're Besties

I thought I had lost the entire basis for this piece!

Thankfully I have friends in high places, and it is found.

Enjoy the video, because despite its blessed brevity it says a lot about women.

In this video, a big girl in yellow with positively glorious hair, who I think would make a terrific kindergarten teacher, talks down to the whole world and lectures us on preference. She states in no uncertain terms that physical attraction is meaningless and having a physical preference is actively fatphobic.

Ummmmmm...that's not how any of this works.

Preferences about who you date are absolutely based on the way someone looks, from the jump. Before I recently landed the absolute smokeshow that is my husband, back in my college days when I was in the dating scene, the first decision I made about whether or not to speak to another human, was entirely based on if I found them physically attractive.

That is a preference.

I preferred to date men I found attractive. I went through a Guido phase where I exclusively dated men who looked like the ne'er do well sons of mobsters who drove Trans-Ams.

Things didn't end well.

I went through a tree climbing phase where I dated men who are super tall. I went through a phase where I dated guys with long hair, who wore button fly jeans and said dude a lot. I even went out with a guy specifically because he looked like Jim Morrison. (His preference was that I refrain from shaving my legs, so that was over before it began, also he was boring.)

Also, didn't end well.

The notion that we must be attracted to all people, "Pan-attraction," if you will is a symptom of a much larger disease. That disease is low self esteem. It causes women to make videos scolding people for not being turned on by all women all the time.

It causes other young women to seek attention with bullshit like this:

Making stupid faces, what's with this tongue out selfie shit? Its the new "duckface" and newsflash ladies, it does not make men, or women want to bone you.


Real talk, you look like you took your teeth out for the photo, and the dancing:

Now some of you might be thinking Mommypenny, how can you say this gal has low self esteem? She has so much confidence!

I'm sorry to say folks, this is what we in the olden days used to call "fishing for compliments," some gals do it through self deprecation, hoping you'll say, "stop it, you're beautiful!" some through unabashed self promotion, "look at me, I'm cute, right?"

This is how they got the attention of their parents who told them they are beautiful flower rainbow unicorns who can sing and dance like angels and regardless of their shortcomings can change the world!

This is why women like Bestie from the video think that they can lecture all of us on what we are allowed to prefer. Nobody ever told them "NO" and when they arrived in the real world they feel bad about themselves, they can't handle it, so they lash out. They lash out with demands that you take them seriously, then pose in their pantyhose and miniature brassieres in spiked shoes they probably don't know how to walk in, on a casting couch, yeah Angela, I'm looking at you.

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about women.

This is it folks, they keys to the mint, if you will: WOMEN DO NOT WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WOULD HAVE THEM AS A MEMBER.


I said what I said. This is the apex of low self esteem.

Fat girls want to lecture you about how you should overlook the fact that they're fat and when Brad Pitt does not come knocking on their door, they cry on the shoulder of the dork who did. They kick to the curb the fella that would give anything to be close to them, because the quarterback didn't ask them to the prom. They MAKE A JUDGEMENT BASED ON PREFERENCE.

The very thing they scold you not to do.

Girls who were probably high school nerds, get real edgy, activist and wear shirts warning others not to fuck Republicans. I suppose if they are having unsatisfactory sexual experiences with their comrades, they don't want the rest of us to have any fun either.

Some of them get uber confident and delusional and say shit like this :

If she was at the White House at the same time as Hunter Biden, you'd know because the toilet won't be flushed and the cat will be pregnant. Don't forget this is the same broad that got pissed because a famous football player did not make sexual advances at her at a fancy rich folks party. Although if someone had made advances she likely would have bitched about that.

The cure for this disease is pretty simple though, all of this goes away if women would, cliche trigger warning...MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MINDS!

Do you want everyone to like you or do you not care? Because it cannot be both, ladies.

If you want dudes (or ladies, if that's your bag) to want you, you have to compromise. Be what they like, or pursue someone else. Scolding them for not finding you hot, does not actually lead them to believe you're hot. This is a tactic that has never, ever in the history of ever, worked. I know, I tried it. In middle school. It failed.

Some other tactics that were also tested by yours truly, and found unsuccessful: loud talking, obnoxious faces, saying weird shit, doing weird shit, showing folks your underwear, wearing stupid t-shirts, coloring your hair and wearing too much eyeliner (truth be told this one is still in Beta testing, I'm pretty sure Duran Duran is gonna call any day now) expressing unresearched opinions, being condescending and last but not least calling folks out for not liking you. BECAUSE NOBODY IS REQUIRED TO LIKE YOU. That's life in the big city folks.

The one thing that I have found, actually works, is to be yourself, someone's going to love you and you won't have to hold them hostage or beg them to notice you. This tactic has been tested and is Biscuits approved.

There's a lot of talk amongst feminists and activists about the need to be respected, "we deserve respect!" But do you? This childish tantrum bullshit anytime someone does not respond to you in the way that you want, is not a turn on, in any arena, personal or professional. Grow a set. Make a decision, and follow through with it.

And if for some reason you aren't ready to be yourself, and you want to continue to test these obnoxious and disproven methods, you can drown your lonely sorrows by going out for gin and tonics and cheese fries with gravy with your like minded besties and give this toast, pat yourself on the back for putting someone in their place today:

Here's to the men that we love

And here's to the men that love us

If the men that we love

Ain't the men that love us

Then fuck the men


Here's to us.


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