Dear readers,
I am appalled. I am disgusted. The last few days have been a rollercoaster of fiduciary shenanigans - and I am hopping mad about it. “RED ANT”, or whatever the hell it’s called, must be immediately shut down (editor's note: we think he means Reddit.com). All those “GAME STUNK” fools must be mercilessly crushed. How dare you youngsters pull off a stunt like this? HOW DARE YOU!
Here’s the thing none of you clowns seem to understand. Those hedge fund guys might be a pack of scum-sucking weasels, but they are MY pack of scum-sucking weasels. That’s MY money they’re throwing around so recklessly – all while coked out of their minds and banging hookers two at a time (if Hollywood films have taught me anything) – and you know what? They fucking deliver. Time and time again. 5% annual returns, 7%, 12%. I frankly don’t give a damn what business they undermine with their convoluted scheming. I don’t care what small investors get savagely burned. Just so long as Gladys and my retirement plan continues to skyrocket, that’s all that matters.
I mean… Jesus! What the hell has gotten into you kids? Don’t you know who you’re messing with? Don’t you know better than to play with fire? You DO NOT mess with old people and their money… It’s like taking a whiz on the third rail. It’s like tugging on superman’s cape or spitting into the wind. You don’t fuck with Medicare. You sure as hell don’t fuck with Social Security. And if you try to upend the Wall Street establishment… WE… WILL… BREAK… YOU…
That’s not a threat. That’s a fact. You think you’re so goddamn slick with your “RED ANTS” and your “ROBBING HOODS”. You just wait until we get on the phone with our congressmen. You just wait until we flood the SEC with thousands upon thousands of angry letters. We’ll show up to vote en masse for elections you didn’t even know were going on. You won’t know what hit you until it’s all over. I swear to God, we’re going to raise the voting age to 55 this time around.
Did you ever wonder why those Wall Street guys are such douchebags? Did it ever occur to you what they’re actually paid to do? They’re paid to do our dirty work. Make us money so we can artificially extend our lives, contribute little to the real economy, and enjoy prolonged retirements that sometimes exceed our working years, all while demanding more and more government subsidies and senior citizen discounts from every eatery under the sun.
And the best part? None of you youngsters suspect a goddamn thing… No, it’s not little old ladies who’re taking you for a ride. It’s the “Big Banks” and the “Wall Street Hustlers”. They’re the perfect scapegoats. I mean, who wouldn’t want to slap the shit out of their smug self-satisfied faces? Frankly, I hate their guts myself. But they’re useful to me. They make me lots and lots of money. And I will stop at nothing to ensure this arrangement continues…
Remember some years back when the mortgage crisis was going down? Remember how all those big banks and investment firms were in freefall for making ludicrously unwise decisions? Well, what happened? The government swooped in and bailed them out. The government actually borrowed trillions of dollars – money you young people will one day owe – just to rescue our retirement plans from destruction. If that doesn’t tell you who’s calling the shots around here, I don’t know what will.
I worked hard for that money. I earned it. But I sure as hell ain’t going to invest it myself. No, I demand somebody else make me filthy rich without any consequences whatsoever. It’s my God-given right as an American! And if the hedge funds inject all sorts of perverse incentives into the stock market, totally undermining its utility as a means for raising capital, totally destabilizing otherwise sound businesses, well... so be it.
I’m telling you. You mark these words. DO NOT FUCK WITH OLD PEOPLE. We own this fucking country. We own you. The way I see it, you can either keep your mouth shut and play ball, or you can lose everything on some stupid “power to the people” stunt. It’s your choice. Consider yourself warned. Have a nice fucking day.
Sincerely,
James O’Flannery