North America - The land of promise and adventure.
The land of freedom and free peoples as diverse as the climates spanning these great lands.
The New World.
Three enormous countries and twenty tiny others. The United States, Mexico, and our frozen friends, Canada (not to be confused with our burning, itchy friends in your mom’s underwear, Candida).
Like every other American, we really only know three things about the land north of the wall:
But you can’t run a country on two minute penalties, clumsy police officers on horseback, and overt affability…right? Flappr wanted to know...What in the poutiney fuck is going on up there?
Thanks to the incredible international community that is Familia Flappr, the best possible resource was but a DM away: (recently fired and rehired) @ywst_ac sat down with the incomparable @nonpromqueen. She graciously agreed to answer all things Canadian, even withstanding the potentially insensitive and belligerent Americanism which would invariably come through.
AC: Every country gets stereotyped by other civilized nations…a popular moose and his raccoon counterpart were the earliest Canadian “characters” I was exposed to…but the first negative view was South Park: hastily animated, flappy-mouthed Terrance and Phillip…and Kyle’s adopted little brother Ike. What's your favorite Canadian stereotypical portrayal?
Stacey: This is a tough one. As for media portrayals, Bob and Doug McKenzie are beloved, but Letterkenny gets the mannerisms and accents of certain parts of Ontario just right. Stereotypes? A Lot of people think we all live in igloos and it’s freezing for the entire year.
Most people don't realize parts of the GTA (or Toronto, for those of you who want specifics) can get to +40C (104 in freedom units) in the summer and -30 (-22F) in the winter, so there’s some huge fluctuations. Don’t ask me about the other provinces though, they probably have to dog-sled to work. Winnipeg gets to -60, just ridiculous, crazy shit.
AC: Do Canadians really love donuts and does love really come from a Tim Horton’s box?
Stacey: Is this a stereotype I didn’t know about? That we’re obsessed with donuts? What the fuck? I thought the pigs only loved donuts (ACAB) Doesn’t everyone love donuts? If you order a single donut, Tim’s puts it in a bag with no parchment and the icing melts everywhere, fuck that. Six-packs or a dozen or go home. Better yet, get a box of birthday cake timbits and thank me later. Love can definitely be found in the bottom of a timbit box, along with insulin resistance and diabetes. Worth it.
AC: Canada…is it British…is it French…is it an unceremonious blight on North America?
Stacey: AKSHUALLY, it’s all three! You may be asking yourself, “How could that be?” and the truth is the British fucked up majorly along the way instead of ridding themselves of the French like they should have. Mistakes were made and now we live with those consequences every day.
Did you know Canada has language laws that force us to have French on EVERYTHING even though only 30% of the population speak it? And Quebec just amended their laws so they no longer have to use English and only recognize French as their official language. Funny how that works. The fact that we have to endure this shit annoys me every day.
AC: There's a subtle irony in upholding one white person language over another in the name of "protecting minorities". Speaking of South Park earlier…it’s funny to me that the “infamously banned Mohammad episodes” were censored in the U.S. but not Canada…just how far has your country slipped down the path of tyranny?
Stacey: Well, I’m glad you asked. Last time I checked in from Canada we were in the midst of the world's longest lockdown! Happy to announce that it’s gotten even worse.
Justin Trudeau has mandated vaccinations for travel. Approximately 6 million (probably more) Canadians can no longer leave the country. We are not allowed to fly, train or boat our way out of here. Vaccines have been mandated for federal and health jobs, thousands were laid off. Our biggest airport is now a shitshow because workers were fired. Our transportation minister is a goblin and the WEF wants to test a digital ID so of course our PM signed up.
Our Justice Minister, David Lametti, has just announced that people don’t have an “absolute right to own private property” in Canada. You may have heard about the freedom convoy; well it turns out Justin Trudeau and his cronies lied to invoke the Emergencies Act - what a shocker. Our Prime Minister locked up his own people, threatened to take away their children, and seized their bank accounts. We’re a lost cause.
AC: When you get “petrol” for your clown car…when you buy milk from the shop…what are we talking? In American dollars, please…none of this “Uncle Looney’s Circus Queen” money.
Stacey: So the easiest way to show the price discrepancies is with gas. We currently pay around 2.25 C$ a litre, which equals over 8 U.S. dollars a gallon. You may have heard that California has also reached those prices. They know our pain.
Another thing I like to show my American friends is grocery prices, meat prices in particular are insane (you may have seen some pictures of our meat online), but it’s the rice and beans (which lets face it, we’ll all be living on soon enough) that really shocks people. 72 cents a can in the U.S. vs. 97 cents Canadian. Rice? $1.47 in the US vs. $3.47 Canadian. And this is the off-brand cheap stuff. The most tragic of all is an American can waltz into a Taco Bell and buy a single crunchy taco for what, $1.20? In Canada we pay $3.29 per taco. It’s tragic. And now I want a fries supreme ($4.69 in Canada, if you’re curious).
AC: What is the scariest thing you see happening around you and where do you think it goes?
Stacey: They’re already limiting grocery purchases where I live. Meat, eggs, and some fruits have a per person limit or they’re not in stock at all. They’re predicting a dollar an egg soon. You and I know...nothing good is coming. By summer they’re also anticipating $C 5 a litre (4 litres in a gallon, so $20 a gallon?) and gas shortages compounding food shortages - Think baby formula shortage on steroids. Mortgage rates will be increasing 45%.
What do people do when they’re hungry and homeless? I think we’re going to start seeing violence accelerate VERY quickly - unfortunately for us we’re unarmed, so that’ll be fun. Europe will have it way worse, so uh, good luck you guys. I said this before the toilet paper fiasco in 2020 (and only a few believed me) but your time to stock up is quickly disappearing. I’m guessing Fall the fun will really start.
Then we have the “C” legislative bills:
Bill C-11: Digital Charter Implementation Act
Bill C-18: Compensation for facilitating access to news in any way and in any amount
Bill C-36: Tackling online “hate speech”
Totalitarian bullshit. Typical.
AC: We talk about the American dream here…what does that mean to you northern neighbors? What is your best hope for your children?
Stacey: We have a superiority complex when it comes to Americans. Which is absolutely hilarious when you think about it. Just reeks of passive aggressive bullshit (typical of Canadians). We depend on you for security, you’re our biggest trading partner, and millions of Canadians live in the U.S. They laugh when the “American dream” is brought up - despite it being the #1 destination for illegal immigrants.
These same people can no longer afford to live comfortably in Canada, by the way, but will brag about “muh free healthcare” forever. My hope for my child, and American children as well, is that we live free without the intervention and tyranny of world governments. Regrettably for us, that’s a pipe dream...so freedom loving Canucks must depend on America.
If you guys fall - we’re all doomed. And honestly, maybe that’s what they want.
AC: Do you think Uncle Sam should perform a cordial acquisition of the Provinces and liberate said freedom lovers?
Stacey: What’s taking you so long? No, seriously - Trudeau is taking away our guns, just do it. Save us.
AC: “The Great White North”...”The Deep North”...are these racist dog whistles? What do these terms really mean and who best represents them?
Stacey: Is this a white supremacy thing? We’re very pale and lack Vitamin D. People don’t understand that in Canada...the provinces hate each other. They all despise Toronto, including Torontonians, but we all unite in our disgust of Quebec...it’s something special. The West, especially Alberta, is basically Texas-lite (my Dad wore cowboy boots), Ontario is a shithole (ok, ok...Northern Ontario is beautiful) and out East, they’re the friendliest humans you’ll ever meet with the greatest accents ever. We’re all proud Canadians that want our country to succeed, but we have very different political views and aren’t represented well by our politicians or, for that matter, our media.
AC: Canadians have inundated the American conservative media sphere…Peterson, Crowder, McInnes, etc…why?
Stacey: You forgot Southern! I think there’s a bigger market for it in the States, obviously. America has what...300+ million people? It’s huge, population wise. We may be the largest country in the world (or second to Russia, I can’t remember) but there are only 37 million Canadian citizens...which brings me back to annexation: it’ll be easy. We all live on the border with the States. Send help.
I think the conservative movement in Canada is very different than the States as well - maybe Conservative Lite? I don’t know, but If there’s even a drop of dRuMpF in the water Canucks start screaming about Russian interference and shady money deals. We all know how that worked out, but Canadians in particular haven’t realized it’s bullshit yet.
AC: If we pay you hosers, will you take back Bieber…and Neil Young?
Stacey: Ok, Justin’s album, Purpose (2015) was actually really good and had some bangers, but the Biebs already lives here! I’ll accept Neil Young because he’s a legend but we’ll put him in a home.
End of Interview
These frigid friends of freedom clearly need our help more than ever.
If you know any liberty-minded Canadians, consider adoption, marriage, or J-1 Visa sponsorship. They're people too...dough-filled, drunk, moose-brawling people woefully hampered by the Metric system.
We should all look at Stacey's spiraling nation, reload our mags, pray to God, and then say, to everything but Quebec:
"I can fix her...after a drink."