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A Report From The North

When the cat's away, the mice will play? Maybe not.

As Flappr’s Canadian correspondent, discord moderator and happy helper, I thought it would be prudent to give a report of the goings on in the Great White North. It’s just a coincidence that I’m doing this while our editor, Bart, is on vacation. He won’t mind, right? Right.

I’m not sure if anyone realizes how bad things are up here, so I’ll give you a quick run down. While Bart is galivanting across the US, enjoying the finest grub your great country has to offer, Toronto is in the midst of one of the world’s longest lockdowns.

Yes, you read that correctly. Over 360 days of this. I’m imagining Bart in his sexiest tropical swimwear, sipping mimosas. Unfortunately for me I can’t go shopping as non-essential goods are banned, and the bars are closed. I guess that means no summer bikini, and no vodka tonics for the foreseeable future.

That’s fine, I guess. Maybe I’ll just escape into the woods for a while. Sounds easy, right? Not so fast. Crown land is banned for use and Ontario Parks are closed to campers. Is it this bad all over Canada? I wouldn’t know, as I’m not allowed to travel to other provinces. I mean, no one WANTS to go Quebec, but it’s nice to have the option, ok? Someone check on Newfoundland for me and make sure they’re ok.

"But Stacey” I can hear you saying, “Why don’t you come down and visit America?” Oh my sweet summer child. The border between us is closed. It’s been closed for a very long time, 15 months in fact, with no plans to re-open in sight. I can't drive across anymore. Sure, I can fly down, but upon my return I have to stay in a government mandated quarantine facility (that’s politician speak for “airport hotel”) or face a fine of over $1000 Canadian (that’s $100 in American)

Have any of you worked at an airport hotel? I have, and let me tell you, you’re going to contract a lot worse than COVID-19 if you have a prolonged stay at one of them. I value my hygiene and my pocketbook far too much to even make the attempt. If I go, maybe I'll just stay down there. It has to be better than this, right?

Trust me, I would love nothing more to go on vacation right now and enjoy the finest American cocaine and hookers like our intrepid editor, but alas, Canadians are being advised to use glory-holes instead. Enjoy the touch of another human being? Preposterous! Get back in your pod, leaf. People here are too afraid to hug, never mind sex. Maybe they'll try if they keep their masks on.

I’ll miss Bart while he’s gone and getting some sun, but I won’t lie, I'm jealous and I’m getting tired of staring at the same four walls every day. Schools are closed, churches are closed, businesses, like my Grandfather’s barber of over 40 years, are being boarded up forever. We’ll never get them back.

There may be hope on the horizon, as our Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau says he’ll reopen the border once three-quarters of the population receive their first vaccination. What they’re not telling you down there is that we’re suffering from a vaccine shortage and they’ve now approved vaccine mix-and-match because of their complete fuckery. Do I trust them? Not at all.

So while I'm glad Bart is having a wonderful vacation, I hope when he gets back he finds the time to pencil in a complete annexation of Canada. It’s what we need, and quite frankly deserve at this point.


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