• Prof. James O'Flannery

F*ck Your Stupid F*cking Lawn Sign

Dear readers,


Well, another election has come and – is still going, actually – but it does seem, more likely than not, that Joe Biden will prevail. Oh, joy. Nothing whatsoever has been decided about the future of the country. In the end, all we really learned is that a sliver of the population (alive or otherwise) felt the hubbub of Donald Trump was a bigger nuisance than whatever mischief the Democrats might stir up. It's almost like the country is evenly split down the middle! Who knew!


Still, I’m always one to look on the bright side of things. If there’s a silver lining to any of this – and it’s a stretch – it’s that people will hopefully take down their ridiculously stupid lawn signs. Obnoxious, flipping maddening signs, like this one:



I hate these goddamn signs. I hate them so fucking much. Maybe they don’t have them in your neighborhood, but in my neck of the woods they’re everywhere. You can’t get away from them! You have to deal with them on a never-ending basis! Makes me want to catch the CHINESE FLU and cough all over anyone I meet.


No, wait. Makes me want to catch an actually terrifying disease - like LEPROSY - and rub my infectious open sores all over the doorknobs of anyone with the goddamn nerve to broadcast such offensive balderdash. Hate Has No Home Here... Give me a break.


First of all, everybody hates something. That’s just human nature, isn’t it? Some of us hate Tic-Tacs or walking the dog. Others of us hate sloppy joes or the Wheel of Fortune . And then there are a few of us who utterly despise the goddamn assholes with the temerity to put asinine signs on their lawns, proclaiming that they alone – of all God’s wretched children – are somehow above “hatred”.


I’ll tell you what, pal. How about I stick a Trump 2024 sign on my side of the lawn and we’ll see how long your house remains “hate-free”. Yeah, that shut you up. Go fuck yourself.

Second of all, it isn’t wrong to hate things that are wicked. It isn’t wrong for someone to hate murder or larceny or rape, for example. In fact, I might go so far as to say that the moral thing to do is to hate these things.


With people, it's a different matter. People are never just all one thing, you know. Still, there are some individuals who behave so repeatedly and unbelievably badly, who commit such monstrously evil acts, that yes, I declare it's perfectly ethical to hate them. And if any of those mamby-pamby "church-going folk" say otherwise, you can tell them to blow it out their sacred asses.


Here is a short list of people Professor O'Flannery recommends you hate: Josef Stalin, Mao Zedong, Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy - you get the idea.


But believe it or not, these signs can get even more sanctimonious. I haven't gotten to the good ones yet. Just feast your eyes on this slab of inexplicable arrogance:



Can you imagine the gall of these people? This one really blows my stack. Let's break it down, shall we? Just in case alien archeologists ever investigate the ruins of our civilization, at least they'll have something to indicate that not all of us walked around with our heads stuck perpetually up our own assholes. Here we go.


1) Black Lives Matter - No shit, sherlock. Everyone already agrees with this statement. Be more specific.


2) No Human Is Illegal - Legality (or illegality) does not apply to objects. It only applies to actions. Illegal immigrants are not "illegal" in and of themselves, they are persistently engaging in an unlawful act. If they were living in their home countries or immigrated properly, then their actions would - follow along here - NOT be illegal. Jesus Christ. Learn yourself some goddamn logic.


3) Love Is Love - Now just what the fuck is that supposed to mean?


4) Women's Rights Are Human Rights - Again, Aristotle is rolling in his grave. If all women are humans, and all humans have rights, then ergo, all women have rights. Precisely which right is in dispute here? Hmm... Which could it be...? Could it involve the killing of something that might also be human? In which case, that thing would also have rights? Gee... What a convenient sidestep of the issue.


5) Science Is Real - Well, HO-L-Y SHIT! I hadn't a clue that it was, given what I read in the news these days. I guess men can't be women anymore, nor women men, nor one of a thousand other genders. Also IQ is meaningful again. PHEW! That sure is a load off my mind!


6) Water Is Life - Wait, what? What the fuck are you talking about? Are you suggesting your political opponents are somehow against... water? Honestly, I'm at a loss here.


7) Injustice Anywhere Is A Threat To Justice Everywhere - Now, this is the only one I happen to agree with. I suppose you'll be standing up for the rights of men casually accused of sexual assault now. Or for those taxpayers who shoulder much heavier portions of our shared tax burden. Or for non-black minorities excluded from certain universities for no other reason than they are... excellent students. Glad to hear you are very much against all of this.


Anyway, now that we got all that cleared up, some of you may be wondering if there is anything you CAN put on your lawn or the back of your car. In truth, you really shouldn't put anything, but if you insist, here is a list of approved slogans and decals:







That's all. Good day.


Sincerely,

James O’Flannery

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Mathew Foldi is a Lib