• Prof. James O'Flannery

Conversion Therapy

Dear readers,


Gladys made me watch the Gramophone Awards the other night. Not so much because she is enraptured with the mellifluous beauty of modern music, but because, well… there simply isn’t a goddamn award show in existence that old gal won’t watch.


So, we sat and took in the whole obscene spectacle, as one by one a veritable cavalcade of talentless low-life’s – excuse me, I beg your pardon, “recording artists” – strutted onto the stage and proceeded to embarrass themselves and their nation with warbling displays of trite balderdash. And it finally hit me. I know now what I need to do…


I think it’s high time I converted to Islam.


Cue sweeping orchestral score...

No, really. I don’t think I have much choice at this point. The West truly has become a land of wretched heathens devoid of any intellectual or moral worth. Once upon a time, PBS or NPR would’ve deplored the grotesque outrages on display at the Gramophone Awards, but that time is well past. We are all complicit in this cultural degradation now. Turns out Osama bin Laden was right all along. Go figure!


There’s not a single thing about mainstream America I would salvage. Now, if this was the 70’s or 80’s, then sure, there’s a few things I wouldn’t want completely annihilated. But nowadays? I mean, modern art? Disgusting. The Marvel Movies? Nah. The NFL? Nope. Harvard, Yale, Stanford? Sayonara, pal. Apple, Google, TWITer? Somehow, I’ll get by.


But of course, those are only the “products” or “results” of Western Civilization. They shouldn't be confused with the rudiments of Western Civilization, which I hazard to point out, are also in the process of being corrupted into utter incoherence. Every foundational western notion, from freedom and property, to justice and the rule of law, has had its original understanding perverted into childish nonsense by now – and often by the same institutions we entrusted to preserve and teach these notions to the upcoming generations.


Say what you will about the shortcomings of the Islamic worldview, it’s a hell of a lot more consistent than whatever we’re running on these days. Its beauty is its simplicity. All must submit to the will of God as recited by the Prophets. That’s it. That’s all you need to know. It’s elegantly brilliant, in its own way.


That most beautiful poetry which moves men and women to tears.

Think about it. No more useless arguments over abstract principles. Just flip open your trusty Quran and find out what God has to say. What is the Almighty’s opinion on scantily clad “ladies” gyrating in a sexual suggestive matter in public? Why, would you look at that! Turns out He’s against it. That’ll have to go out the window. What about tolerance towards transsexuals? Actually, He’s cool with it, so long as it’s only used to avoid homosexuality. So, there you go! Trans folks get a big thumbs-up.


How about racial matters? Well, according to the Quran, all men are equal who submit to the will of God. Now, there’s something I could get on board with. Didn’t we used to have something like that here in America? I’m getting so old now. It’s hard to remember these things. Wasn’t it called “equality” or something like that? And we weren’t supposed to judge others – for better or worse – by the color of their skin? That vaguely rings a bell. Anyhow, it’s obvious that Islamic doctrine is wholly superior to feeble Western concepts like equity and inclusion.


Charity is also a core tenet of Islam, so for any of you out there worried that decades of unsound financial policy is bankrupting the nation, setting the stage for an economic collapse the likes of which the world has never seen, don’t fret! Islam’s got you covered. When it all comes crashing down – and it will – at least you’ll have a backup plan.


For all these reasons, it’s clear the only rational, sensible approach to politics these days is to join a militant sect and wage ruthless war upon the infidels. Twenty years ago, I might’ve been of a different opinion about all this, but that was before our education system started crumbling before our eyes. Or before our military ventured foolishly into politics and is now another hot potato we get to toss around. I’m sure that’ll help gird our national strength for future challenges!


Gee-whiz! It’s almost like every decision-making body in the country is being run by over-credentialed, under-qualified hacks!


And just think. All of this silliness could’ve been avoided if we had just laid down our arms and converted to Islam like we were told. I mean, hell. Given the choice between Wokeness, Chinese Domination, or Islamic Extremism, I’m going to roll with Islamic Extremism nine times out of ten. It’s the devil you know, I guess. And really, is it that bad?


I mean... These guys seem happy...

For all you men out there, you get to belong to a sacred brotherhood. You’ll find meaning and purpose in life from day one! And yes, some of you must sacrifice yourselves for the greater good, but even that’s a bonus. You automatically get into heaven and can frolic about the garden of earthly delights forever and ever. It’s a total win-win!


And for all you ladies always complaining how hard it is to find “a decent guy” out there – well, you’re in luck! All that frustration and disappointment is taken entirely out of your hands! From now on, an elder family member will select your husband for you, and I’m sure he’ll be every bit as handsome and considerate as you always dreamed he’d be.


Relations between the sexes would be much simpler, at any rate. No more indecision over what to wear for the ladies. No more bothersome shaving for the men. All that trouble about sexual assault on college campus? A thing of the past! Women will be forbidden from attending college at all, you see. Or I suppose they could go to a women-only college – but no hanky-panky, you crazy kids!


We mean it…


So, yes, the Gramophone Awards certainly opened my eyes. From now on, refer to me as Jimba bin Flanren – Sheik Jimba bin Flanren, if you wouldn’t mind – and I hope you’ll join me as I work tirelessly to scourge the House of War of its vile wickedness. But if you don’t, no biggie! At the rate we're going, you'll have to pick a side, sooner or later. I'm sure I'll see you then.


Salamo Alaykom,

Jimba bin Flanren

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Mathew Foldi is a Lib