Chinese Dumbledore Is Super Straight

Did you know that Albus Dumbledore, a fictional character from a series of books written for pre-teens, is a big, throbbing gaylord?


Oh yeah, the Headmaster of Hogwarts loves nothing more than returning to his bed chambers to give head to his master, who is apparently a dude.

"I'm just saying, if Hagrid worked out for a summer, he'd be like, totally beefy."

Now, you wouldn't know Dumbledore is gay from the books because... his sexual proclivities are never mentioned. No, if you wanted to know why we never met Mrs. Dumbledore, you'd have to refer to comments made by his creator, noted TERF J.K. Rowling, after the book series concluded.


Back in 2019, Ms. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore had an "incredibly intense" gay relationship with something called Gellert Grindelwald (seriously, how do you people read this shite?) during an interview for the DVD release of "Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald".


In fact, in the upcoming sequel, Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore, we are to learn more about Dumbledore's smoldering gay lust for Grindelwald. According to Variety, there are two scenes in which the Size Queen of Hogwarts reveals that he was romantically involved with a dude, one where he responds to Grindelwald "[b]ecause I was in love with you" and another where he reflects on "the summer Gellert and I fell in love".

"Oh yeah, that's it. . . let's touch tips again, you fantastic beast."

Except, if you're watching this movie in China, you will not learn that Dumbledore is a homosexual because the Chinese Communist Party likely refused distribution of the film into mainland China unless the references to homosexuality were removed.


Warner Bros. has complied with this request (because of course they did), stating the studio "accepted those changes to comply with local requirements but the spirit of the film remains intact."


The only thing one can conclude from Warner Bros. decision here - Western Dumbledore is very gay, but Chinese Dumbledore is Super Straight.


Yep, when Chinese Dumbledore isn't busy combatting the evils of the wizard world, he's getting busy with more sideways Peking Punani than you can shake at.


Why didn't Chinese Dumbledore prevent the famine induced death of 55 million Chinese people under the Mao regime? Well, Chinese Dumbledore was elbow deep in Beijing Beaver longer than the Great Wall.


This Wuhan Warlock loves women and, more importantly, loves having sex with women.


How else can we explain why Warner Bros. would remove explicit confirmation Dumbledore's sexuality? J.K. Rowling herself said that Dumbledore's sexuality was necessary to confirm because it helped explain why his lover's eventual betrayal was all the more painful.


I suppose that removing these references is evidence that Dumbledore's sexual orientation was not crucial to understanding his character and that we never really needed to know what he did in the bedroom . . . but that would suggest that declaring him gay (after the series concluded) may have just been a way to virtue signal to progressive audiences.


They wouldn't do that, would they?


Hard to say, but the evidence in this situation points to one thing - Chinese Dumbledore can't find a Shanghai Squeeze Box that he doesn't want to play all. night. long.


Happy Thursday. God Bless America.


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