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Burn, Baby, Burn

Dear Readers,

Like many of you, I’ve been following the events in the Twin Cities with keen interest, and though this may no doubt shock and alarm a portion of the reading public, I find myself completely in lockstep with the revolutionaries fighting their noble war against modernity.

First of all, Target. Fuck that place. Burn them all to the ground, I say. That’ll teach them not to stock hog-brains or bicarbonate of soda. “Oh, I’m the crazy one!” I told the cashier one day, “That’s rich, lady! You know what your store is? A stink-store!” I sure showed her what’s what.

Second of all, the Police Dept. If oh-so-pretty Mayor Frey isn’t interested in protecting the city, then stop being a pussy and just disband the police already. Save the taxpayers some money. I’m sick of funding their goddamn pensions anyway. Same with the Fire or Water Dept. Oh, and don’t get me started with those Streets and Sanitation fucks.

The horror... The horror...

Surely, a city can survive without all those services. I mean, Babylon stood for thousands of years, and they didn’t have a Streets and Sanitation Dept. So what if they suffered plague after plague that decimated their population? Who cares? As everybody knows, it’s the structure and institutions that are fundamentally at fault. We couldn't possibly criticize individual behavior, then we might have to judge ourselves for our own actions too - and who wants to do that? Why, it’s all clear as mud!

Lastly, and most importantly, I welcome the solidarity shown by these patriots in the face of the Coronavirus lock-down. Across the nation, ordinary work-a-day men and women have had it with the stifling hand of gov't around their faces - I'm talking masks here, people - as well as boatloads of severe economic and life-style restrictions. Enough's enough already!

But of course, it's only a matter of time before those obnoxious busybody journalist types uniformly condemn these uprisings. It'll happen any minute now. I can just feel it. I'm sure hundreds of them are at their typewriters this very moment, no doubt outraged over the lack of "social distancing" on display. I'm sure still more are banging away about the "toxic masculinity" of looting or vandalizing or torching public and private property. I mean, you just know some balderdash of that sort is coming down the pike.

At any rate, I'm very pleased to see some have decided to express their dissatisfaction in the most persuasive and principled way possible. Surely, such ardor and passion will win over the unconvinced. Surely, such beautiful destruction with pave the way for bigger and better things to come. Renewed neighborhoods and restored civic trust! Oh, what glorious times are ahead!

Besides, since when has condoning senseless destruction ever possibly backfired? Never once in all of recorded history. Trust me, I'm a professor.


James O’Flannery

P.S. Some kids are shooting firecrackers outside and now I’m scared. What do I do?


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