A quick letter to the editor from @nonpromqueen and @travis_tyree
DISCLAIMER: We don’t do one night stands, being a degenerate is fine in a consensual monogamous relationship, cheating is gross - have fun with a committed partner.
Stacey: So, about farts. I think you and I read Bart’s piece at the same time and were initially surprised we were in agreement; mostly about farts.
Travis: Slight amendment - I objected to the farcical flatulence folly, and pretended to read it. As is tradition! (Mostly a joke)
Stacey: Ok, well I read it. Bart does good stuff. I think the only thing I agreed with was that orgasms are important. I like to cum, and I want to make sure my partner cums. But sex, like most things in life, are messy - and hilarious. Farts, queefs, whatever you want to call them; how can you not laugh? Squirting? Funny. Accidental anal? Painful AND funny. I can’t remember what else we discussed. Oh, jizz in the eye! Cum on your face is embarrassingly absurd.
Travis: I've decided to (re)read as we undertake this exercise, and I'll highlight a couple more points of agreement: Cheetos are disgusting and should be purged from existence. I hate Godless communists, but hand me a hammer and sickle when I see "treats" like that.
Stacey: Cheetos are amazing, we’ll have to agree to disagree.
Travis: I'll stop derailing (editor's note: he didn't)
Stacey: What would you do if a woman pulled out a bag of Cheetos while you were fucking her? (I’m gonna derail this even HARDER)
Travis: Reflexively and intuitively, I would grab the bag and toss it in the direction of the nearest trash can. Then question when and where the Cheetos were purchased, and how they were stored. I hate the Antichrist. And ants. Cheetos are how you get both.
Stacey: Ok back to the article. Bart’s against kitchen fucking (where you could also cover yourself in cheese dust if that's your kink) but I’m in disagreement there. I typically date big guys so kitchen counters and tables have come in handy when I need to be propped up. I think fucking anywhere is fine (disclaimer: not in public, in front of other people) You’re a big guy with a little partner, you probably understand where I’m coming from.
Travis: There is an efficiency and something very Lindy about satisfying your carnal desires and connecting emotionally with your spouse while she prepares your next meal. I've been swayed to accept the position of kindling in the kitchen, as it were.
Stacey: There’s something about exchanging fluids while you’re preparing a meal for your man, I’m in total agreement.
Travis: Condoms and birth control are tools of Satan, also in agreement about "fluid bonding," or more appropriately stated, "having normal sex with your spouse."
Stacey: So true! I’ve never been married but I tend to stay in long-term monogamous relationships and let’s be honest - raw doggin’ is fun. (side note: if you are someone who has multiple partners get checked often and regularly!)
Travis: We've created monsters out of girls who are funneled into taking synthetic hormones in their early teens, and expect decades of use until menopause.
Stacey: Not only that - artificial hormones fuck with your ability to discern your true feelings towards a person AND they alter a woman’s choice of partners. You end up fucking feminine twinks.
Travis: They've turned the frogs gay by contaminating the water supply, and they're turning men gay via selective signaling and maladapted chemistry (also, Satan). We must retvrn.
Stacey: It’s no wonder so many people turn to booze, which Bart touched on as well. I’d need to be drunk if birth control was messing with my brain and making it difficult to choose the correct partner. But I’m still pro-drunk fucking regardless. So I was wrong, I agreed with Bart on two things. It’s sloppy and fun. (disclaimer: I haven’t drank in years but I have fond memories)
Travis: Not much of a drinker, but I have consoled a panic attack from Baby Mama by having sex. In bed, as Bart prefers (Bart is not Baby Mama. For clarification).
Stacey: You guys would make beautiful children. I’m assuming. I have no idea what Bart looks like. Probably handsome.
Travis: As proprietor of Flappr.net, he's absolutely not paying us to sing his praises and paint a flattering picture of him. The article! I hate the Antichrist (and Cheetos), you are an abomination appreciator. We do, however, agree on orgasms. Physiologically and emotionally, they're very important. You want your wife (or you, if you're a woman) to pull your (or his, I like parentheticals) semen further into her (I give up) body for greater odds of impregnation, and the accompanying hormone and chemical secretions following orgasms with your loved one bind you closer together.
Stacey: That’s kind of romantic. You’re into that gay shit. I love it.
Travis: Romantic and retarded. RnR, baby! Works in the gym and in life (speculating on the last part).
Stacey: One last thing I wanted to touch on was Bart’s comment about treating sex like you’re getting ready for the most important interview of your life. As Flappr’s Health Contributor, you made a tweet about that recently as well. I’m kind of in agreement with you both but I think if you’re in a committed relationship you’ve already passed the interview - so the focus should be on having fun with your partner and being comfortable enough to try new things. It isn’t a one-night stand where you’re presenting the best (fake) version of yourself.
Travis: I do agree that you've passed the interview process when you're in a committed relationship. Allowing your health to decline has a dysgenic effect on your DNA as well as your reproductive capacity - you're diminishing not only yourself, but research is suggesting you're also diminishing your children's genetic potential. To say nothing of putting them behind the 8 Ball if you pass poor nutrition and health practices and habits down to them. Consider those aspects to be job performance, I suppose. (Retarded) 100% in agreement about growing and experiencing new things with your spouse - while the goal of sex isn't a journey, you and your spouse are ever-changing people, and continuing to connect and explore the new dimensions of each other, physically and emotionally, should play an important part in your life together. (Romantic)
Stacey: So we actually agree on more than I thought. This is why people should read your fitness articles on Flappr and become the best version of themselves for their partner. (editor's note: right after she typed this she went out for a cigarette)
Travis: Yes! They should read those Flappr.net articles, written by me. The two that I've contributed and also made podcast appearances discussing. I'd do well to write more of them, too. Lots of topics to cover outside of weight loss and improving your physique!
Stacey: I just need to drop 20-30 pounds. Thanks, Travis, this was fun. You’re a big softie and it’s been super sweet to discover this by talking to you about our mutual love of farts. 🥰
Travis: I ❤️ farts. And all of our Flappr frens! Go multiply. In bed. And in the kitchen, while preparing dinner.
Stacey: And while eating Cheetos.