Headlines With The Z News Team (SPECIAL ROOT EDITION)

Ahoy polloi! We here at Z News pull headlines from all over the world, but some wells are deeper than others. They deserve their own special, and the first of these is "The Root."


For those uninitiated, "The Root" is a far left online publication that's part New Black Panthers, part Brownshirts. It is also every bit the train wreck you just envisioned. Join myself (@mannurfa), Steve (@sdamnja1), New Dutch (@gaylittleweiner), and Sir Micks A Lot (@sir_micks_alot) on this voyage of discovery.






Burnout: I watched the video and he blames black people not wanting to camp on slavery.


Micks: To be fair, I’ve never seen an indoor plantation in any history book.


Burnout: I mean, I guess he's got a point. Who's the last outdoorsy black guy? Leadbelly?


Micks: Michelle Obama?


Dutch: Carl Weathers in "Happy Gilmore?"


Burnout: Carl Weathers in anything really.


Dutch: "Rocky, I love you, but let's go back to the hotel. This beach reminds me of Jim Crow."


Micks: "Yo, Is Sheldon Whitehouse bothering you, Apollo?"


Burnout: Come to think of it, a Rocky where Rock and Apollo beat up Sheldon Whitehouse, then have an extended gay sex scene, would be better than any of the actual movies.


Micks: “Rock, I got my test results back…I’ve got monkey pox." *cut to black, Eye of The Tiger acoustic version plays*





Burnout: Black, red, and green. The official American flag of the Krampus.


Steve: Good news! We can replace Labor Day now.


Steve: “You’re not supposed to wear black after Juneteenth."


Micks: “Why not both?” - Buck Breaking (2021)






Burnout: Ok, but I feel like BP is a little more inclined to hire a geologist or a petroleum engineer than a B.A. in Black Studies.


Micks: The only black studies we’re interested in here are black gold, sir/ma’am/zir


Dutch: The best part is that the expert has a doctorate.


Steve: Learn to live off student loans by getting a PhD.





Dutch: Spelling: Less accessible than science, apparently.


Micks: Experts with PhDs telling you your degree doesn’t matter and podcasters who fucking love science. Does anybody who actually produces something ever appear in these pages?


Burnout: I think I saw Ibrahm X. Kendi write there once, and he produces laughs.





Micks: Fascinating. This makes him very unique among high level athletes and aspiring politicians alike.


Steve: “Three secret children that we in the press found with relative ease.”


Steve: Wait until they find out what his opponent did to his wife with a car.


Steve: Warnock won’t have any secret kids because none of the underage boys at his summer camp got pregnant.


Micks: Those debates are going to be lit.


Burnout: "Revered Warnock, do you like puppies?"


"Candidate Walker, why do you hate black children?"


Dutch: "Candidate Warnock what is your favorite brand of car?"


Steve: Moderator: Herschel, if a car leaves a house traveling 90 miles per hour, how long does it take to go 83.75 miles?


Herschel: If Warnock is driving, is there added time for running over your wife?


That's all she wrote. We're back to making fun of bubbleheads from INSIDER next week. Woooooooooooo!

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