Yelp is Racist and Now Everything You Want is Racist Too!
Yelp is the dumbest site on the planet. It’s a site that rewards people for complaining about experiences at businesses. My idiot lib brother was a Yelp Elite for a while, which in retrospect is right in line with his general worthlessness.
Anywho, this week, Yelp announced that it would now be adding a scarlet letter, er warning, to businesses accused of racism. The third of a three tweet announcement is embedded below, for those still in disbelief:
They followed up later with the announcement of a program designed to teach businesses how to be “open for all.” It seems as long as your door is unlocked, you’ve accomplished that end goal, but what do I know? I’m a clown.
What the hell kind of a business model would support any kind of exclusion? Can you imagine a world where racism was running so rampant that we needed to dedicate time and resources and oxygen to a consumer warning system about it?
"Welcome to Cracker Barrel, where we've decided to throw caution to the wind and not accept money from approximately 41 percent of the United States population." This is a sentence which will happen absolutely never.
But forget how hilarious this is on its face. Forget that they’re asking a place (the Internet) to stop being an irrational, angry mob. It’s like they’ve never heard of /b/.
Normally, the go to reaction in a column like this from myself or Mr. Bear would be to call for an all out boycott of Yelp. But how does one truly boycott a service like Yelp? Most people don’t pay for it, and most people aren’t paid by it. Besides, if being the nominal, figurehead of an internet gang has taught me anything, it’s to have fun when fun presents itself.
Let’s use their rules.
Rather than boycott, join me in outright blackmailing these companies who helped press the BLM mantra this spring and summer. Think how fun this could be! For example: Levi’s makes really nice jeans and hoodies. I think we should go to Levi’s outlets and essentially demand protection payment. We’ll be extorting the mob, and we’ll look great doing it.
Or what if we could get free Wendy’s for life? They pledged $500,000 to something called “social justice, the youth, and education in the black community” so surely they can spare a few spicy chickens to stop us from calling them racists.
(I like mine with just ketchup, american cheese, and bacon. Don’t knock it until you try it.) Now, Wendy's could have just taken on more full time workers and offered a minimal health plan and stable scheduling to help the communities often working for them, but this is fine too I guess. I like free Frostys.
Want free video gym for life? Your Peloton is now free with a little private squeezing! Don’t feel too evil; the official Peloton instagram account wrote the following on May 18 this year: The Black community is hurting. Our Black Members, instructors, music partners and employees are hurting. #BlackLivesMatter, and it’s time to take action. To start, we are making a $500,000 donation to @naacp_ldf. We have more work to do. Will you join us?
1. Join the #BlackLivesMatter tag and ride, run or flow with fellow Members in support and solidarity
2. Speak up and speak out against racism
3. Learn ways to practice anti-racism
4. Donate to NAACP LDF
Your girlfriend is going to have a great ass after you put the pinch on the bike people.
The point is that we need to have some fun. It’s almost Goon-o-ween afterall.
That local restaurant put a little black square in their window?
Racists. Unless you get some bomb hushpuppies for free.
The flower boutique had a BLM sticker? Racists. Unless your wife or girlfriend gets fresh flowers. For free. Maybe monthly who knows. Racial rules change fast, Bud.
Your company starts diversity training?
Bet your friends start calling them racists until they stop.
Kohl's won't give you the additional 15 percent off because you're not a *new* Kohl's charge member?
That manager needs to override that charge, or you might not be able to override the accusation of racism on Yelp.
Swarm off line! Mass report in real life! Ruin people’s IRL Twitter accounts and businesses!
They asked for it.