• Nero

What is a Moderate in 2020?

So the media is trying to convince us all that Kami-H is pragmatic moderate when of course she is anything but a moderate. This gave me the idea to define what exactly a moderate is.

The Cocaine Bear had a similar idea, which makes sense as we are both fun loving degenerates, so you will be blessed with two life changing takes on the same topic. Pour yourself some whiskey, do a line, and buckle up.

Flappr, being the only news source you can trust, managed to find a moderate Democrat and a moderate Republican who were willing to debate the issues of the day provided their identities were kept secret. What follows is a completely factual account of what took place.

Moderate Democrat: I favor putting the top marginal tax back to 93 levels. I don’t favor increasing the corporate tax level because I know we need the new lower tax rate to compete globally. I am as concerned with growing the private sector as with funding the federal government therefore I take private enterprise into as much consideration as government funding.

Moderate Republican: I really like the current tax brackets but advocate for an additional bracket for really high income earners, above 2 million or so, that would be taxed at somewhere around 39 percent. Ballooning deficits really bother me and therefore I insist that there are some serious spending cuts to go with the additional tax bracket for high end earners.

Moderate Democrat: We need to make sure that the promise of social security is kept. We also need to accept that people are living longer and with the change in demographics the system as it is just won’t last. We need to ensure that that Social Security is funded and with this in mind I support eliminating the Social Security tax ceiling or at the very least increasing it bigly

Moderate Republican: We have to keep the promises we have made to our seniors but we also have to accept that the market is much more efficient at providing for Americans in their retirement. With this in mind I support the gradual phasing out of social security and replacing it with a government secured 401k that allows each American to manage the money contributed by both themselves and their employer via the FICA tax to fit their needs in retirement.

Moderate Democrat: The right to keep and bear arms is an indisputable right for all Americans as is the right of Americans to feel safe. We need universal background checks and a process to temporarily remove firearms from those who pose an immediate threat to themselves and others.

Moderate Republican: I support universal background checks

(editor’s note: We have universal background checks for firearms purchases)

Moderate Democrat: Fracking has led to our energy independence. We must allow it to continue while making sure that there is minimal damage to the environment. We also need to encourage energy companies to explore renewable sources of energy as they are the future

Moderate Republican: (pauses, tilts head to the side, looks at moderate Dem) Are you looking at my notes? What he said

Moderate Democrat: We need to protect those who have health coverage they like while providing other options for those who do not have coverage. The first thing I would suggest is allowing people to buy into medicare starting at 55 for now. This will do two things first off allowing an extra affordable option to those in late middle age and providing extra revenue into medicaid. I also think that we should provide grants to local communities so that they can provide for those in their community that need help as fits their needs. One size fits all for healthcare just doesn’t work in a country this big and diverse

Moderate Republican: Seriously dude. What the fuck? Who gave you my notes?

Moderate Republican: Fuck you I am going first this time. That there are women in this great nation who feel they need to make the difficult decision to terminate their pregnancy is tragic. Abortion should be safe, affordable, and extremely rare. We need to do our best that people have available contraception and that they are educated on how to obtain and use it. While waiting to have sex until you are married and have an established career would be preferable it is not reasonable to expect.

Moderate Democrat: Oh come on man

Both at the same time: While I personally believe marriage should be between a man and a woman my personal beliefs do not define what love is and every American regardless of their sexual orientation has the right to marry the person they love.

Moderate Democrat and Moderate Republican:

The moderates agreeing on many issues completely already went out and had a couple of drinks. Over drinks they worked out their slight differences on taxation and entitlement reform. Upon returning to DC they presented their plans to the leadership. The Democrat was laughed out of the room by Nancy. Kevin McCarthy completely supported the idea but Nancy wouldn’t even have a meeting. Both lost their primaries in the next election cycle and were replaced by a new Squad member and a Qanon member respectively.