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Torts Illustrated - Malebag Edition

Editor's Note: In effort to expand our coverage on topics you care about, we've convinced Jarvis Best to become our Chief Legal Correspondent to help make hide and/or hair of legal matters of the day . . . though we must insist that any opinions shared herein should not be taken as legal advice or advice of any kind, really.


I've been SHADOWBANNED! On Twitter! Or whatever the hell Musk is calling it, "Ex" I think. I guess he named it after his wives.

But seriously what the hell, how do you shadowban me? ME??? I'm a pussycat. I'm not terribly political. I'm not mean to people unless they deserve it. I hardly EVER use slurs unless I'm just joking.

People tell me to not overreact, and on the one hand, I agree, but on the other hand, TWITTER IS DEAD. FREE SPEECH IS DEAD. THE AMERICAN EXPERIMENT IS DEAD. From now on, if you want to know what I have to say about stuff, you will no longer be able to find my @ if you search for it.

No, you'll need to find me on bullshit *smut blogs to get my hottest takes. Humiliating.

Anyway, since THE CONCEPT OF FREEDOM ITSELF IS DEAD and there's no big legal news, I thought I would answer legal questions from ordinary scum like you. Now remember -- I am a highly-educated, high-priced partner at a big law firm, so don't hold back. Give me your most pressing, most controversial, HARDEST legal questions:

Great question Jeff, and as it so happens I have some experience with this issue.

As an idealistic young lawyer I was determined to do pro bono work. Really help out the oppressed and bring justice for the wrongly accused.

So there I was in federal prison talking to a dude who had been wrongly accused of dismembering a gal with his buddy and then burying the remains in his yard. As it turns out, it wasn't so much that he hadn't done it, but rather that he had a GOOD REASON for doing it, which is that she had died at his hand and he really, really, really didn't want to get caught. Of course, his buddy had blabbed to everyone, which as it turns out is a terrible way to keep things a secret.

My legal advice here is to dispose of the alleged body however you like, just be sure to dispose of your buddy at the same time.

Goddam, there were a lot of these types of questions. See supra.


Next question!

Solicitation! Of ladies. A felony almost everywhere, but you NEVER get caught and even if you do, doesn't matter had sex.

Big fan of soliciting sexy lady felonies, highly endorsed.


Next question!

Not exactly a legal question, but it got me thinking about that Canadian shop teacher with the cartoonishly huge prosthetic milkers. Turns out that to take the heat off of his school, they just . . . transferred this dude to another school.

Now you guys know I am ALL IN on the gay agenda, but I admit that this one gave me pause. Not because the dude had huge tits (which I am in favor of, and in fact, I wish more bio-ladies would follow this dude's lead in that department), but because he was a SHOP teacher. When I was a boy, you couldn't even wear a BAGGY SWEATER in shop class because the shop teacher said that our clothing would get caught in the machinery and we would end up like that guy in Indiana Jones who gets caught in the rock crusher and turned into a red stain.

So where the HELL does this big-titted Canadian get off walking around with chesticles that dangle about 17 feet in front of him? If the guy is a math teacher, I mean maybe his boobs smudge the chalk, but SHOP? Not good. Anyway, maybe this a problem that will ultimately work itself out. I'm just saying I would keep a wet-dry vac and the jaws of life on hand in that shop class just in case.


Last question!

Great question, great great question. I love it when the questions are big and broad so that I can just tee off on the topic and demonstrate my knowledge to the audience.

Anyway, no. The answer is no.

To read more of Jarvis' insights, such as "[t]hat chick has huge tits" and "[j]ust once I want to have sex without being indicted" you can follow him on Twitter, here.


*Editor's Note: We are not a smut blog, we make critically acclaimed, feature-length, historical documentaries on revolutions and occasionally perform investigative journalism on topics that some cretins interpret as "smut.''

Would a smut blog produce a three-part, three-hour, series on the Russian Revolution? Watch for yourself and decide.




Sep 01, 2023

"I hardly EVER use slurs unless I'm just joking. "

As a mutual of Jarvis' I can attest and swear he doesn't use slurs unless it is in the service to Lady Comedy.

The problem is that Jarvis is never funny.

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