This Secret Service Bodyguard is Daddy and the Lady Boners Have Runneth Over

We're gonna need a clean up, aisle: "Your Girl."

As President Trump took his fateful walk from the White House to St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington, D.C., Reuters captured an image of a member of his Secret Service security detail. . . and let me tell ya, it caused a little bit of a ruckus.

Look, this isn't even fair. This dude is a chiseled Adonis, has arms that are legitimately the size of basketballs and looks like he was handpicked by Leonidas battle along side him at the Battle of Thermopylae. The fact that he's wearing a shirt a size too small and carrying the coolest rifle I've ever seen is just overkill. AND if you think I'm the only one who noticed this monster, buddy you got another thing comin to ya.

*inserts cassette tape and presses play, the song Pony by Ginuwine begins to play*

Actually, just listen to the song in the background - it will help set the mood.

The ladies, and perhaps some gentlemen (no judgment here), set their eyes upon this beefcake and could not hold back their . . . *AHEM* adoration for what he hand to offer:

of course a Lib had to try and ruin everyone's fun. . .and was ratioed into oblivion.

Stare at my biceps, while I stare through your soul.

If you can peel yourself off of your seat for a minute, I'd like to focus on something largely missed by bicep and *AHEM* rifle worship, this dude looks like he's possessed. This is the closest thing I've ever seen to IRL laser eyes and it's terrifying. Thank god he's on our side and appears obsessed with destroying our enemies, foreign or domestic.