This is Fine

Great work, America! We successfully elected a 78 year old establishment politician that has been in office for over four decades! Nothing (and I mean literally nothing else) could have fulfilled all of my dreams from when I was a young and idealistic cub. Yes, I yearned for change like this. I said “Bear, if an almost octogenarian that had an unremarkable career that got caught plagiarizing and had to drop out of a presidential race back in 1988 can’t do it – no one can!” I mean – 1988! Good lord, you know that man will have some great, fresh ideas to start with!

Frankly, I was tired of all the peace agreements between Israel and its surrounding neighbors or between Kosovo and Serbia. We need to return to the ideas of the past that there could be no peace agreements in the Middle East without involving the Palestinians. It’s that kind of forward thinking and bold leadership that needs to be restored to office. Obama droning wedding parties was really more my style than peace accords, thank you very much. I mean – remember how everyone said Trump moving the US embassy to Jerusalem would probably incite everyone in the region and then he totally did it? Man, I guess Trump got lucky a huge war didn’t break out! Let’s go back to giving billions of dollars to Iran. That’s more my speed of Middle East policy.

The news cycle is going to be so much nicer now that we won’t have any scandals in the White House! We get to go back to the corporate media telling us everyday in soothing tones what a great job Ol’ Joe is doing. Anonymous sources that tell us just how crazy it is to work in the White House will disappear. No more books published from “high level officials” that we later discover are actually penned by junior staff nobodies. No more news articles about the President stewing over this or that or how out of control he is and how senior staff has to reel him in from issuing orders that are totally cray cray. Oh man, White House press briefings are going to be orderly and polite now. No more “gotcha” questions! This is going to be great, everyone.

Republicans will finally be fiscal conservatives again! No more trillion dollar deficits will be acceptable now because they’re principled opposition that cares about the future of the country wink-wink-nod-nod. And speaking of dollars, I sure hope we can roll back those tariffs that were putting pressure on China. I need to save that extra 30 cents on a Chinese produced widget rather than buy American. Also, roll back those SALT limits! We should totally be subsidizing blue high-tax states.

Racism will certainly not be a problem anymore. The guy that said “you ain’t black” if you were black and didn’t vote for him is in the highest office of the land. The guy that called Senator Byrd (a former Klansman) his mentor is in charge now. It’s gonna be alright. I understand why people voted for him and did it so willingly. That kind of behavior isn’t abhorrent. No, I was wrong. It actually helps us heal as a society.

Re-entering the Paris Climate Accord and killing the Keystone XL pipeline is going to be awesome. You know, energy independence isn’t really that great when we’re all going to be dead or underwater in 12 years. It was really dumb of Obama to buy that mansion on the water in Martha's Vineyard! We’ve really got to start thinking about how we can slow the economy down if we want to save the planet and Obama’s big house.

I see my friends on the ol’ Facebook stanning Biden and I’m like “Oh yeah, I get it now. I was wrong.” I didn’t vote in 2016 because I thought both candidates were awful but I totally get now how you can not only vote for Joe to oust Trump but now you’re totally Team Joe because he checks all the boxes that match perfectly with your values and beliefs. He was Vice President of the administration that started “kids in cages” that you moaned about so obsessively when you found out Trump continued the program. You’re not an easily manipulated tribalist. No, you believe in science! And love! And like… being kind, you know? All your boomer posting that got almost no engagement finally changed my mind.

These next few years are gonna be great.