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The Sanctity of Cloth-off Friday

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He didn't even tell anyone until it was too late, so I'm here drunk to discuss our weekly ritual, which is. . . today! Happy Friday! Cloth Off, everyone!

Some people ask why we can't have Cloth-Off every day. To them I say, take of two of these and wait until Cloth Off Friday:

Cloth Off Friday is not something given, it is not something taken.

No, Cloth Off Friday is something earned.

Cloth Off Friday is a reward for being a responsible adult, fulfilling your obligations and making it all the way to Friday.

Cloth Off Friday is not intended to be enjoyed in isolation because Cloth Off Friday is a communal event - as much about sharing some laughs with your frens as it is about the Cloth coming off.

Imagine if you will, Monday morning 7 a.m. and instead of texting your friends memes you found on Twitter, you decide instead to watch the Cloth-Off video in the handicapped stall at work - on. a. MONDAY.

"Hello Bitch Lasagna, lol I love that line."

Tuesday comes and in that same handicapped stall, you decide to indulge again and watch Cloth Off on a Tuesday (not a Friday). Another 9 hours and another wasted evening.

Why are you so despondent? Wednesday and Thursday both come, you watch Cloth Off again, the days pass and you hardly notice apart from the crushing existential dread looming around you.

What is wrong, why does everything seem so much less fulfilling?

Friday morning arrives. Once again, like clockwork, you're back in that handicapped stall, ignoring the cries of the 1-legged lady outside the door yelling about how she "needs" to use handicapped stall and that she "cannot use a normal stall" because they don't "have a railing to help lower herself onto the bowl" and that she just "pissed all over herself"

Boo-fucking-hoo, Peggy.

"I didn't hop all the way over here for nothing, asshole!"

But you finally made it.

It's Friday, the week is almost out. You put in your Air Pods (you elitist piece of shit) to drown out Polly Peg-leg and listen to Cloth-Off, you earned it after all.

But, this time . . . Cloth-Off does nothing for you.

"It must be a fluke" you tell yourself, your own cloth being off by this point, trying to feel anything but your own shame and desperation, you play the catchy tune again.

Nope, you feel nothin'. None of the high that you normally experience on a Cloth Off Friday washes over you.

You play it on repeat for another 36 hours while you cry yourself to sleep.

You wake up again Monday morning, just in time to start another week, less happy than you have ever been. Had Cloth-Off been the only thing keeping you going this whole time? Is your life truly that awful, that you had nothing else but Cloth Off?

Yes. And because you're over indulgent and unwilling to wait and earn your dose of Cloth Off, you will die alone.

But for the rest of us that RESPECT the sanctity of this tradition, we're doin just fine, so... happy Friday, everyone else. Cloth Off.


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