The Mount Rushmore Project
We at Flappr are nothing if not desirous to appease the flittering ideas of this post modern society we live in. With Mt. Rushmore suddenly becoming a flashpoint again, a few of us sat down to perhaps bridge the gap. Maybe there’s a way to create a new Rushmore. A better Rushmore.
The basic parameters for our discussion were as follows: 1. Must be loosely political. McAfee probably will make multiple appearances. The lead guitarist from GWAR sadly won't.
2. One head can be fictional.
Hopefully you have as much fun reading this as we did making it. Submit your own to us!
Calvin Coolidge, Ulysses S. Grant, Franklin Pierce, Grover Cleveland
When I initially came up with this idea, it was because I wanted four presidents I happen to like a lot on a monument together. The fact that it works out as both a monument to four of my favorite figures in American history and as a hilarious troll on the left is just a bonus. Grant is the only one of the four who could be called “Big Government.” Pierce, Cleveland, and Coolidge were the antithesis of big government. All four ran their administrations like they loved America and hated politicians, and all four had an undying faith in the strength and goodness of the American people. I admire all four men for varying reasons, and all four need some love in our modern day landscape.
Bartleby: Grover Cleveland is obviously your fictional choice. That name can’t be a real person.
Nero: Two non consecutive terms my ass.
JAC: Grover Cleveland 373 wins during the dead ball era. Oh Grover Cleveland Alexander.
Nero: U.S. Grant was probably the first drunk to assume the presidency so Nero approves.
JAC: It's amazing how much Grant was able to accomplish completely shit faced all the time
Burnout: Fwiw, I have two drunks on mine and they were both p. awesome.
Bartleby: Grant is the best person on your Mount Rushmore. He was a legit savage who basically realized that the union just needed to throw bodies at the south. Bloody that shit up
Nero: War making is easier when you have no inhibitions. Kids need heroes like Grant again. Pierce also was known to drink if I recall.
Burnout: Pierce was the other, Nero. He also favored small government and once challenged a group of rioters to a fight.
Bartleby: I’m assuming that Franklin Pierce is a troll choice.
Burnout: No. I legit love Franklin Pierce. Criminally underrated president.
Jac: William Howard Taft was just fatter Grover Cleveland change my mind.
Nero: Didn't Cleveland father a bastard?
JAC: Wait Grover Cleveland was basically the American Robert Baratheon?
Nero: JAC that is a good analogy.
JAC: Why does every picture of Franklin Pierce look like a modern day lib soy boy? I think its the haircut.
Nero: Yet the ladies love Pierce.
JAC: Guy cleaned up?
Nero: He is often rated as Buzzfeed's top president thirst trap...I assume that is a thing.
Bartleby: Kansas-Nebraska act sure looked like it was the nail in the coffin for any sort avoidance for the civil war.
Burnout: Tbf, he watched all his kids and wife die, then got hated by the entire nation because he wanted states to just do whatever and not fight.
Jac: Yikes that took a dark turn!
Mr. Garrison, Vladimir Putin, John McAfee, Glenn Jacobs
I picked Putin and McAfee because they are personal heroes of mine. I probably should have gone with Palpatine for my "fictional" one but Garrison was just funnier. Mostly I made my choices because the world is absurd and civilization was a mistake. Also I fully expect Kane to run for the Republican nomination in 2024 unless society has collapsed before that. Fingers crossed.
KosherDoll: JFC, Nero.
Nero: You expected different?
Bartleby: You can’t use Putin; the KFILE team will show up at my house.
JAC: That is four fictional characters.
Burnout: Percy Pringle would be happy that his bastard son made it onto Mt. Rushmore.
Bartleby: Yeah, Kane is a good choice. I demand Nero renounce Putin. Renounce Putin!
JAC: Will Nero disavow? Burnout: Why are you turning this idea into a struggle session for Nero? Nero: If I renounce Putin he won't name me Warden of Wyoming after Russia takes over during the Biden administration. Seriously guys it's best to be on Putin's good side in case the people of Soy win.
JAC: Counties have mayors? Nero: In Tennessee they do.
KosherDoll: Nero’s list makes me feel like I’m drunk on Jameson.
Nero: You’re welcome.
Bartleby: Putin should pay the US media for making him seem way cooler than he is. By all accounts, Russia sucks and isn’t getting better. They’re still a paper Tigger.
KosherDoll: IDK guys; Centaur Putin would look pretty cool in stone.
JAC: Kosh wants Putin statues. Replace all Confederate generals with Putin statues.
KosherDoll: Dude is ripped af I’m like haaaaaai.
Bartleby: Stop complimenting Putin!!!!
KosherDoll: Damn someone is mad because they are not hitting the gym like hottie Putin.
Bartleby: Kyle, KFILE, I disavow!!!!
Burnout: Dasvidaniya, Bart and Flappr.
Kanye, William Henry Harrison, 1st Pitch Bush, Lincoln
This was difficult for me. I loathe politicians in general, and for the record I specifically disavow any association with Putin. He's a sewer dweller even among politicians. In fact, that was the whole appeal of William Henry Harrison. He left us alone.
Also, screw China. What a loathsome, oppressive hole in the wall nation.
Bartleby: I guess I’ll start with Lincoln and George W. Bush, but only when he threw out the first pitch at Yankee stadium. I genuinely hate all politicians, so this is going to be tough.
JAC: First pitch Bush is the GOAT.
Nero: Dubya was also a hell of a dancer. Really our best president.
Burnout: Rushmore with just Lincoln and George W. Bush throwing a pitch would be so weird.
Bartleby: I wanted Kosh to go before me.
KosherDoll: I’m still thinking about Putin’s huge arms.
Nero: Kosh is just trying to figure out how to pick Katy Perry four times.
Bartleby: Does Kanye count? Burnout: He’d have to. He’s as serious as McAfee.
Nero: But is he fictional?
Bartleby: William Henry Harrison? Burnout: Harrison would be so lit.
KosherDoll: Love the WHH choice.
Bartleby: There we go. Those are my four: Lincoln, The Bush Pitch, Kanye, William Henry Harrison. Thought about James Monroe too, because he basically did nothing. John Quincy Adams was underrated too.
Burnout: JQA once told a congressman to shoot him or shut up, which is baller.
JAC: John Quincy Adams was cool. Left the presidency and went to the House for 20 years, and just yelled at everyone. KosherDoll: If only they had Twitter back then.
Harry Truman, Thomas Jefferson, Antonin Scalia, Andrew Jackson
I had a few reasons for picking who I did: Thomas Jefferson - On the "real" Mount Rushmore for a reason. It cannot be discounted how important it was for someone to be able to put into words the American foundational ideal. Jefferson did so clearly and eloquently. We talk about the Constitution a lot but the Declaration is the most important document in our history.
Andrew Jackson - JAC has very little political love for Andrew Jackson and while he was a real SoB, the guy was a straight up savage. Was in upwards of 100 duels including the most famous where he was shot square in the chest, was completely unfazed, and then killed his opponent. Lived with that bullet in him forever (not to mention another from a different incident).
Harry Truman - No doubt a lib but this dude actually dropped the bomb. Two of them! Only person in history. Absolute madman!
Antonin Scalia - My identity politics pick...a Catholic Italian from Jersey that you could listen to talk about the US Constitution for hours upon hours and still never get bored. Plus the juxtaposition with Jackson would certainly be something, huh?
Nero: Jackson would definitely be on my Zombie Survival team. Not a fan of his presidency but he was a badass.
Bartleby: Truman is a lib.
Burnout: I love Scalia as much as I hate Jackson, but I love the emotional confusion that a monument with both would cause.
Bartleby: Burnout, explain Jackson.
Burnout: Jackson is as close to the real version of all these racism charges we get today that’s ever existed in America. The BLM Boogeyman isn’t real, but a very close facsimile is on the 20 dollar bill.
JAC: Oh yeah, Jackson was a real SoB, but he was just such an absolute savage it’s mind blowing.
Bartleby: Jackson was the first governor of Florida. He was a mad man.
Nero: And we live on today in his image.
JAC: Truman is absolutely a lib but the mad man actually dropped the bomb; the only lunatic in history to do it.
Nero: Only because Jackson wasn't alive when the bomb was developed. He’d have dropped them all on Henry Clay.
JAC: Yeah Nero, Jackson basically walked around with bullets in him for half of his life.
Burnout: On a personal level, I love how people on Twitter are constantly calling me a lib, but JAC’s here just memorializing Andrew Jackson and Harry Truman.
JAC: Don’t blame me because you’re a lib.
Nero: Jackson really was Proto-Trump.
JAC: Jackson is interesting because there was a lot about him that captured a bit of both the modern day...the Dems and Trump.
Bartleby: Where is KosherDoll? It’s time for her picks.
Nero: Just occurred to me none of us chose Pinochet
KosherDoll: I HAVEN’T GONE YET, NERO! But, sadly, I will not be choosing Pinochet.
James Garfield, Ulysses Grant, Warren Harding, Franklin Pierce
If Americans are going to travel to the middle of nowhere South Dakota, can we give the people something to look forward to besides the Corn Palace? We want the hot presidents, and we want them now. Yeah, Abraham Lincoln was really great and all, but yikes. Don't look like you were actually raised in a cabin in the woods okay, beanpole? These hottie presidents did great stuff or whatever, but they were handsome and that is what matters.
Bartleby: Kosh probably had a color coded spreadsheet, with an entire point system.
KosherDoll: First up was Grant. I mean yeah he lead the Union Army to beat the Confederacy’s ass...but damn have you seen that Smolder.
JAC: Kosh is the horniest person in this chat.
KosherDoll: I mean hey boy heeeey.
JAC: She even posted pictures and came with receipts.
KosherDoll: HEAR ME OUT, GUYS! Look at that picture of Grant with the side eye. He’s checking out some hottie on the DL. Or winning a battle.
Nero: Taft has to make her list, right?
KosherDoll: Number two was Garfield. Nero: A cat? Burnout: Kosh spikes a touchdown!
KosherDoll: Sexy hat alert! Sexy hat alert! I mean yeah Garfield was great at purging corruption but Kosh has a weakness for hats. And dude did it right…
Nero: So that’s how Bart got her to join Flappr, hat game.
KosherDoll: Number three was Warren “Hard Yes” Harding.
Burnout: Was literally typing him as a joke when you sent that.
Nero: Kosh is going to have to register as a sex offender by the end of this.
Bartleby: Not going to lie, Harding does give off some strong daddy vibes.
Burnout: “Wanna come back to Teapot Dome?”
KosherDoll: Dude has this Christian Grey vibe but was like sensitive to the plight of women.
JAC: Didn’t Harding die of a heart attack while banging his mistress, or is that a myth?
Burnout: Warren G Harding was the kind of dude who would wear t-shirts from strip clubs in public.
Bartleby: Warren was definitely into some freaky stuff.
KosherDoll: Yes. I know how to pick them!
Bartleby: We’re mercifully to the last person.
Burnout: Her last pick is going to be John Tyler at this rate.
JAC: Harding had some definite sugar daddy vibes going.
KosherDoll: This last one will shock you.
Burnout: Clinton? KosherDoll: Eww no. I have standards. Number four is me agreeing with Burnout. Franklin Pierce. That guy partied so hard. I mean like guzzle a bottle of Jameson and take a selfie while doing it hard.
JAC: I just don’t see it. He looks like a hipster to me.
KosherDoll: He did nothing but look good. He’s got that Jonas Brother’s energy too.
Bartleby: So predictable. Nobody picked Hilary.
Nero: Pierce is the top of Buzzfeed's biggest Presidential Thirst Traps.
KosherDoll: I’m like “nom nom gimme some.”
Bartleby: You people have definitely gotten us onto an NSA list.
Well, that’s all she wrote! Let us know who your Rushmore would be!