• Burnout

The Goons Investigate Mark Kelly (D-AZ) Being a Weird Dude and Alleged Hitler Cosplayer


Image Credit: @TonySakers

Pretty much nothing would surprise me about Mark Kelly.


He's in bed with China the way the Kennedy family was in bed with Marilyn Monroe.


He's better at embezzling money than Bernie Madoff.


He looks like a new born gerbil.


My point is that he's a filthy, political denizen and literally zero would surprise me. Which is why it was amazing when this came out:

Seriously. Mole person.


But more than that, how fabulous if true? We're literally less than a full election cycle removed from Governor Blackface (D-VA), but in a world where being racist (a definite bad thing) is--in some people's minds--worse than infanticide (a seemingly worse thing) one can't get much more racist than literal Nazis.


The Kelly campaign was quick to deny the allegation, although what else were they really going to say? Of course, it's always a good policy to treat others the way you'd want to be treated, so I'm sure that Kelly has a long history of giving hard allegations the benefit of the doubt and treating others as innocent until proven guilty.

Ah shucks. I guess the internet really is forever, though isn't this always how it is with the (D)onkey team?


In the spirit of fair play, this clearly warrants intense investigation. And who better to do that than The Goons?! They've been on the sidelines of late, working on Goon-or-Treat and on setting up watch parties for Halloween specials, but nobody gets to the bottom of a mystery quite like them.

Fellow lover of all things Article III, Kyle, deep dove into Kelly's speeches and found no instances of him directly denouncing Hitler or Nazism specifically. Kyle did, however, find a lot of instances of Mark Kelly denouncing your right to bear arms and protect yourself. That seems pretty Hitler-esq, so I'll chalk up a point for the pro side here.

Byrns uncovered some amazing evidence of Democrats lying when they were caught doing something horrible, and distorting reality to fit their needs or a narrative they want. In this photo he discovered, you'll see local racist rabble-rouser Nathan Phillips, alias Sky Man (I'm sadly not making this up), trying to intimidate the future owner of CNN. Democrats raced to the defense of Phillips, despite the fact that Phillips was trying to provoke a physical confrontation and in fact has a long history of trying to provoke physical confrontations in order to turn them into news stories. Given that Mark Kelly is another of these Democrats, we were left with no choice but to log this as another clue, and continue the investigation.

Tony began to piece together a good circumstantial case against Kelly here, again if we assume we are playing the the Adam Schiff rules of evidence. NASA? Nazi? Are you kidding me? The connection couldn't be more obvious. Things weren't looking good for Mark. We had to issue an arrest warrant.

As the drama unfolded at Goon HQ, new member Jen was able to tap into an anonymous source and dig up this pretty damning quote. If we were investigating under Flappr rules--or even sane rules--this couldn't come in to play. But, again, this is being investigated under Adam Schiff rules, so the anonymous source stayed in. It's a good thing Jen dug that up, otherwise GDA (Goon District Attorney) Leroy Brown would not have been able to convict Mark for the crime of "Inappropriate Costume." The penalty was cancellation.

Always the entrepreneur, Dutch decided to cash in on Kelly's newly found status. The collectible market is fickle, but there hasn't been a new Nazi plate in a long time, so I'm sure he'll do well. We're all thankful for his efforts toward funding more Goon shenanigans.


Was any of what we covered actually true? Who knows?


Has Mark Kelly been wrongly convicted in Goon Court of being a Nazi? Who cares?


If he's unhappy about it, he should write to the Democrat Party Headquarters. They're the ones that made the rules.

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Mathew Foldi is a Lib