The Ballad Of Riley June

Editors note – this is all based on a true story with maybe just a little embellishment. To be clear, we do not endorse riots, the capitol riots, political violence of any kind or any potential political affiliations Ms. Williams may have. This is for fun, it's a joke, it's satire. Relax.

Gather round, boys and girls - it’s time for a story steeped in deep lore and tragedy. A feminist icon with unparalleled courage and love of country. A freedom loving bae who’s only concern was not for herself but for her fellow Americans. Today, I introduce you to a name you’ll never forget and a modern day equivalent of Joan of Arc - except, instead of speaking to God, she spoke to an internet conspiracy message board. I introduce you to the smokeshow that is Riley June Williams.

Riley June Williams courageously entered the Capital building on January 6th fueled by Pepe powered passion and with a plan so audacious that I’m sure she had been plotting it for months. I bet her kitchen table had layouts of the Capital building with each lawmaker’s office meticulously labeled and maps of Washington DC with various escape routes plotted out with different colored sharpies all of which were then committed to memory over hours of study sessions. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had the sewers mapped out and a cyanide pill just in case the Capital Police (one of the most cunning, ruthless, and racist of fighting forces) were able to seize her.

After entering the Capital she most likely left her mask on to avoid later recognition from the numerous videos that would exist from the event because she’s just a total boss and with steely determination made her way through the halls as she breathed calmly in and out, her hands at the ready should a threat manifest itself. Her cold eyes scanned the plaques outside each lawmaker’s office although I’m sure this wasn’t even necessary as she had planned this down to the number of steps it would require for her to reach her destination and Riley June Williams could have done it blindfolded.

Finally, RJW found her target – the office of Speaker. I’m sure the exhilaration was almost too much for her but she’d been training for weeks (no, months!) and she quickly subdued any emotion and entered the office. She had a job to do and luck was on her side. The ruthless and fearsome Capital Police had rushed Pelosi to safety and in their haste they had left Pelosi’s laptop behind – just as Riley had knew they would. “The fools”, she muttered under her breath.

On a side note - have you ever noticed how our most iconic American folk heroes and outlaws have three word names? You know, like “Billy the Kid” or “Bonnie and Clyde”? Yeah, Riley June Williams was destined to ride with the heavies into history books.

With her prize in hand she quickly exited the building and effortlessly recalled and followed the escape routes she had gone over her in head hundreds of times. She returned to her native Pennsylvania with the greatest prize possible. Now, she could finally humiliate Pelosi bigly. She quickly booted up on a secure computer that required an encrypted USB drive and an eye scan and messaged her contact in Russia. “I have the drive”, she wrote. The response was quick - “The KGB will be forever in your debt. We will use this information to crush Pelosi. You are rewarded with four more years of Trump because we control American elections.”

I wish the story ended there but alas in the most cruel and saddest yarns that the fates can spin - Riley June Williams was betrayed by an embittered cuck of an ex-lover who was hellbent on punishing her for leaving him… and if he couldn’t have her then no one would have her. He had seen video of the event and with one of his very, very tiny hands (you know what that means) he dialed the local FBI field office sobbing. “PLEASE TELL HER I LOVE HER IF YOU CAN CATCH HER EVEN THOUGH I HIGHLY DOUBT YOU CAN – SHE’S TOO GOOD!” He hung up. His heart heavy with grief and a future without Riley June Williams that was almost too much to bear.

How they caught Riley June Williams will forever be debated. Was it luck? Was it a supremely talented and adept FBI investigator? She had changed her phone number, deleted social media accounts, and even told her mother she would be gone for a couple of weeks. All pro moves that would normally ensure a clean escape without any future chance of ever being discovered. *shrugs shoulders* We’ll never know.

We all know middle aged white women are terrorists. Thankfully for America’s sake, their younger counterparts like Riley June Williams are a different breed. Here’s a serious question to all you womxn out there – what’s stopping you from achieving greatness such as this?