• Nero

The Adventures of Nero: The Jacobin Temple of Doom

…...Continued from “The Rise of Kami-H”


After my failure to get Kami-H to put a stop to the dangerous campaign she was waging that could easily bring about the total destruction of the United States Bobcat and I fled to a safe house in Greenwich Village. It was in a rundown bar on Bleecker street between Thompson and Sullivan. Apparently it was only closed due to the Rona although you couldn’t tell from the condition it was kept in. The liquor selection wasn’t great to begin with but when I opened a bottle of Jameson that was behind the bar I instantly knew this was the kind of place that refilled bottles with bottom shelf garbage.


Really any whiskey that is good enough for Dean and Frank is good enough for you

I frantically searched for a bottle of anything that was actually filled with what it said on the bottle. Fortunately Bobcat was able to use his heightened sense of smell to find an unopened bottle of J&B in the basement. Far from being my first choice in whiskey at least it was actually the right whiskey in the bottle. Hell if it was good enough for Frank and Dean it is good enough for Nero.


I poured a glass and sipped the scotch as I listened to the commotion outside. This city had really gone to hell over the past few years. Not the fun kind of degenerate hell mind but a lawless nightmare where drunks can no longer wonder the streets of Manhattan carefree. This I feared was what Kami had in store for the nation as a whole. I was confused as to why anyone would want to see this great bastion for freedom and commerce turn to a dystopian shithole so I resolved to get some damn answers.


Bobcat informed me that Kid Rock would be on his way from DC with the Angels and someone who said they had information pertinent to the mission in the morning. There was nothing more I could do this evening so I finished the bottle and went to sleep in one of the apartments above the bar just before sunrise.


It was just before 2pm when I woke to smell of something delicious being grilled in the courtyard behind the building. I usually don’t like being awake this early but damn that smelled delicious. I got out of bed, got dressed and went into the courtyard where I saw an old friend working the grill as “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” bellowed through the courtyard.

When the American way of life is in danger Deadly Tedly springs into action

He stood over the grill, guitar around his neck, flipping the meat while perfectly executing the song’s solo.


“Nero my man!” Ted yelled “Steak and eggs brother” with the most joyful look on his face. Ted truly loved life and never let what anyone else thought about him change his persona one bit. The man truly embodies what it is to be an American.


I grabbed myself a plate of the most delicious steak and eggs ever prepared. The Angels had prepared coffee and even brought with them real Jameson to use as a sweetener so I wouldn't have to rely on whatever passed for Jameson at this shithole bar. Never forget kids that a balanced breakfast is the most important meal of the day.


After breakfast Kid, Ted, and I quickly got back to the situation at hand. Figuring out what was behind Kami’s turn to socialism and how we could stop it.


“The driving force behind this nightmare we are living through seems to be a cult based in the entertainment industrial complex” Kid explained “It is deeply embedded in every aspect of TV, Movies, Music etc”


“Scientology?” I asked


“Scientology is child’s play compared to this” Kid replied


“Hell Scientology is just a way for gay actors to think they are being cured of being gay” Ted pointed out


“True and yet people think it is Mike who is anti-gay” I follow


“No shit” said Kid “anyway this is much more insidious than Scientology”


“Wait, Qanon is correct?” I ask “This is some sort of Hollywood cabal bent on seeking immortality by having sex with little kids”


“Sexualizing children is just a red herring” a woman’s voice came out of the shadows “Although I wouldn’t put it past my ex-husband to be into that”

After being driven from the Entertainment Industrial Complex by an evil cult bent on world domination Roseanne as turned into a freedom fighter

“Holy shit” I say getting up to greet her


“How have you been Nero?” Roseanne asked


“Was doing better before Kami went all crazy on us”


“It’s not entirely her fault. California twists even the strongest mind into believing it’s bullshit” Roseanne stated emphatically.


“I’ve been telling you all that California must be stopped” Ted chimed in “You thought you could pacify it with the Terminator but look at it now. Rolling blackouts, fires, civil unrest, reality TV”


“There have been a lot of mistakes Ted” Kid Rock answered “but we don’t have time to dwell on that now”


“So if it isn’t Scientology or some child sex cult what the hell is it?” I asked


“I only know bits and pieces” Roseanne answered “I know it originated in France”


“So it is a child sex cult?” I asked


“That's ancillary Nero” Roseanne explained “I honestly do not know what the overall goal of the cult is but I do know that they are using those in the Entertainment Industrial Complex to further their goals” she continued to deliver a soliloquy worthy of Oscar consideration


“You see the artist types are very weak and easily controlled by people who tell them that they are great. What happened here is that those who produce movies, TV, and music have had their fragile egos crushed by the changing tastes that Americans have in entertainment. Of course those in the industry cannot accept that people are tuning away due to a lack of originality and quality. No, as far as they are concerned there has to be a nefarious plot by evil capitalists to rob them of the recognition they so greatly deserve” she said with obvious sarcasm. “ Of course it is lost on them that it is capitalism that has allowed them to produce the shit that passes for entertainment for all these years but that is besides the point” she continued.


“What I do know for sure is that some charismatic cult leader or something has convinced those in the entertainment industry that by bringing down America they will break the spell it has cast on humanity which causes people to watch sports more than the crap they produce” Roseanne finished.


“So the overall goal is to bring down sports?” Kid Rock asked


“Well they have already pretty much ended the NBA” I replied


“Fuck the NBA, Fuck China” Ted yelled while firing a crossbow at a picture of Chairman Xi or Whinnie the Pooh. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference.


“That is the goal of the Hollywood types” Roseanne pointed out “The goal of the cult controlling them seems to be something entirely different. What though, I cannot say for sure”


“So are we off to LA then?” I ask


“No it seems that the many of the higher ups in the plot, at least from the Hollywood side, are here in New York” Kid Rock explained “hiding out in one of their holy sites”


“Holy site?” I pondered “The only Studio 54 building?”


“Yep,” Rosanne answered, handing us blueprints of a secret temple underneath in the old Studio 54.


Bobcat and I went to study the plans to figure out the best way to get into the building quietly and figure out what the hell was going on.


“So about this whole child sex cult thing you guys keep talking about” Bobcat asked


“Yes”


“Didn’t Ted Nugent have…”


“Just let it go Bobcat, just let it go”



Fade out


Fade in



Nero and Bobcat in their Action/Adventure Gear. Soon to be available from Wish

After studying the plans to the secret Temple hidden beneath Studio 54 Bobcat and I found a passage between the 7th Avenue metro station and the basement of 54. We then got into our “Action Adventure Gear” and headed out just past midnight. We easily made it past the marauding bands of hooligans that had taken over the streets of New York under de Blasio and thanks to Bobcats heightened senses and making it safely to the metro station.


There were bums blocking the entrance way to the secret tunnel. Bobcat wanted to maul them but I decided to bribe them with pints of 5 o’clock gin. It may not be as much fun as a mauling but it was quicker and less messy. Happy with the gifts we bestowed upon them they let us pass into the tunnel. It had clearly been nearly 40 years since anyone had set foot in this tunnel. The air was stale and smelled of death. Judging by the crushed cocaine vials and dead hooker bones piled up on the sides of the passageway this was a happening place in the 70s.


We came out of the tunnel and saw the entrance to the Temple. It was a skull made out of stone with three lighted rocks illuminating the eyes and nose of the skull. It looked like a set piece from an Indiana Jones movie that looked so cool you ignored the plot hole of there originally being five stones so only having three spots for them made no sense. It was guarded by a crack squad of Kami’s child soldiers fortunately for us though they were too distracted watching Tik Tok videos of kids recreating Billy Porter’s performance of “For What It’s Worth” as part of their brain washing. We were able to slip past the guards once again avoiding a messy mauling.

Kami's soldiers getting their daily Tik Tok brainwashing

Past the skull entrance way we climbed down an old rope ladder to a platform overlooking an ancient cathedral. There was a large group of young people staring at the altar on the stage in front of the cathedral. It was a group made up mostly of people in their late teens to mid 20s and as Teutonic as a 1997 Dave Mathews concert. The crowd let out an ogasmic cheer and a figure appeared on the stage. Much to my shock it was Kami clearly these people were all under the control of supernatural force. Kami is an old friend of mine and even I was never this excited to see her. At this moment it became very clear that what we were up against was even more dangerous than I already thought.


Kami, dressed as some sort of priestess approached a man in a cage at the back of the stage. He looked familiar but I couldn’t precisely place his face. Bobcat recognized his scent. It was a scent he had long thought was gone from the Earth. This man was a Blue Dog Democrat. As Kami stood next to him she spoke in a loud and hypnotic voice


At this point Kami shoved her hand in the chest cavity of the Blue Dog and ripped his heart out. Kami turned to face the crowd, this man’s heart in her hand. She held it up as if it was the Lombardi Trophy and the crowd cheered louder than a crowd of similar tint would cheered in 1997 when “Tripping Billies” would have played.



Kami then spoke to the crowd.


“The time of Robespierre is at hand!” she exclaimed “Soon all who oppose our Utopia based on instant gratification, endless entertainment choices at home, and free stuff as long as you don’t voice unclean opinions or engage in non-approved athletic activities shall be driven from the nation and one day soon the world”


A chill ran down my spine as she continued on talking of a world where those who know better what is in the best interest of the people make all their decisions for them. It was under the guise of keeping people safe from, well, everything that she introduced the American Committee of Public Safety.

Tom Arnold, Mark Ruffalo, Rob Reiner, Alissa Milano, and Kathy Griffin are your Committee of Public Safety

She went on about how this group of, in her words, great minds would rid the world of guns, cigarettes, fossil fuels, meat, and the most dangerous thing ever to them free thought. The thought of C list at best Hollywood types deciding what we were entitled to own and eat is far and away the most terrifying concept ever thought up by mankind. In fact I question how man is even capable of coming up with such a diabolical idea. Bobcat had become so enraged he was ready to try and maul everyone in the cathedral. While he is a master of the Wetwork arts this might be even too much for him to do on his own.


We decided we should head back to the safe house and get reinforcements. We turned and saw the most frightening image ever seen by man



….To be continued


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Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib