• Burnout

Teen Vogue is the Gift that Keeps on Peeing Itself in Public

We at Flappr all have our little sub-groups that we talk too off the site. It’s healthy, and a good way to help spread the love of drinky bird. (Although you have to click the link and read the article. Please actually click the link and read the article. We actually furloughed Phil last week.)

Bart has his Reply Guys. Kosh has her Simps. Nero has legitimately crazy people. And I have the Goon Squad. And while anybody is fair game for G.S., history says that we’re most likely to take aim at Teen Vogue.

I don’t know why this used, bloody rag of a magazine so frequently shows up in my conscience. Maybe I’m being punished for some past or current misdeed. The point is that Teen Vogue crosses paths with me, and soon thereafter the Goons, so often that I’m considering making this a regular thing and turning it into Flappr’s first coffee table book.

I blame the genuinely wonderful Molratty for retweeting this one into my feed. It was one for the books.

Look, when we genuinely didn’t know what Sino-Pacific Lung Rot, a.k.a. COVID--19, was and lockdowns started happening late last March and early last April, I had a thought that was related to this. I thought that a moratorium on rents for 1-2 months wasn’t all that bad of an idea--remember it was “Two weeks to flatten the curve”--and that to go along with it, the Federal Reserve should strongly encourage lenders to stop collections of mortgages for those same 1-2 months.

Look, at the time it made sense. If you were going to protect people who were renting, you also needed to protect the landlords and mortgage holders. Homeowners were and remain no less hurt by the actions taken by governors like Newsom (D-CA), Murphy (D-NJ), Cuomo (D-NY), Pritzker (D-IL), Hogan (?-MD), and Nurse Ratched (D-MI). Moreover, landlords weren’t invulnerable in this process. Landlords rely on their risk of ownership of these properties to do things like provide income, and oftentimes part of the rent collected goes to service mortgages the landlord holds on the very apartment you rent.

Call me a lib if you want, but Bernie Sanders gets some things right, and one of those things is that the banking industry is a corrupt, bloated leviathan which sucks money out of the US economy with frightening efficiency. Banks take obscene risks to turn profits for their stakeholders, then rely on American Socialism to bail them out when it goes wrong. I’d never vote for Sanders but he had a point that was particularly true last spring: If there’s a segment of people in this country who can afford to sit down, shut up, and take the hit for the benefit of the rest of us, it’s banks.

This screed from Teen Vogue, however, misses the mark both civically and economically and I cannot believe I’m living on the timeline where I could type that.

The pandemic is no longer raging. Numbers are grossly inflated. People are not dying enmasse in the streets. Hospitals are not sinking into Pluto’s lair from the sheer weight of patients. Yes, it’s a real disease. That’s about as far as the truth goes.

It’s no longer about protecting the vulnerable, it’s about jealousy and hating economic benefits *you* either couldn’t or didn’t take the risk to enjoy. It’s about the left wanting to destroy free society, and apparently they need a teen fashion magazine to do it.

Speaking of that:

Seriously? What the hell teen pays rent anyway? This sounds like a mystery for the Goon Squad.

Sir-Micks-A-Lot leads us off with a home run. For a magazine that seems to spend most of its time telling people that everything is hopeless and we’re constantly oppressed, they sure do market a lot of sex stuff. This is especially problematic if their targets are teens, a group which has historically needed no help getting it on. Until now I guess. Gross.

My dad didn’t call it a tax, in fact when I was really little it was part of how I got my five dollar allowance, but I definitely remember this. Matty gives me a great idea: When I was little, my dad showed me how to mow the lawn, and then had me try with the self-propel still engaged. He took great joy in watching me get flown around the yard. Perhaps we do this to the editors of Teen Vogue, but forever.

If this is where TikTok is hiding their money, Duckman and I are going to be sharing celebratory cigars and champagne in a can next summer. I like his state more than mine, so I’ll do the traveling. Oh, and Zìyóu xīzàng.

Mike gets in on the fun by conveniently forgetting that Teen Vogue regularly gets in on the Communism. Пролетариат должен быть модным!

Hell, they think they should get medals for it.

Ecologically, locusts help keep megafauna in check during times of environmental imbalance, so if anything the locusts are decidedly more beneficial.

Croc brings it home like a 2005 Bobby Jenks (that's a compliment, in case you Wrigleyville libs are confused), reminding us that teenagers are not important in any sense. And for that matter, neither are their thoughts.



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©2020 by Flapper.

Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib