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Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects - 08.25.23

We've curated our own weekly digest of links from around the internet entitled "Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects" to help keep you abreast of very important news! We will deliver T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday (if you subscribe to our blog)!


Editor's Note: I've trimmed things down a bit this week in effort to try and make this blog more readable and because some of the bits can get a bit stale. Basically, I spend a lot of time of this each week and I want to try and entice you to actually read the commentary, you know?

 

Very Important News


Staring at T.I.T.S.: might save your life.

After all the shaming. After all the accusations. After all the slanderous "smut blog" name calling. It turns out that reading my weekly T.I.T.S. blog might just save your life.


I'm basically JONAS FUCKING SALK and here's my statement on the matter:

You're welcome
You fucking ingrates.

You can thank me by subscribing to our YouTube channel.


You're welcome, Paige.


Jennifer Aniston: takes salmon spunk to the face.

Folks, , , , if you're ever feeling down and your problems seem insurmountable, just remember that there's a guy out there who beat off a salmon and harvested its semen so that Jennifer Aniston could put it on her face.


Things could be worse.


At least you're not that guy, right?


Blake Lively: turned 36; is still very, very, hot

I must admit that I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Blake Lively. Actually, I think her story is kind of a Hollywood success?


At age 27, at the height of her hotness and the height of her career, Lively decided to start a family with Ryan Reynolds. She then proceeded to have three more children with Reynolds over the next 9 years. That's like, normal people type shit.


She could've focused on trying to be the next Kate Hudson, but it seems she chose being Blake Lively, smoking hot mom and occasional actress, instead. If you ask me (you didn't) that's pretty damn wholesome. Here's hoping we start seeing her in films again one day soon (in the interim, check out A Simple Favor).



Fascinating. . . let's investigate (i.e., increase your life expectancy), shall we?

So, her outfit is definitely whorish - but is it whorish enough to warrant kicking her out of a mall?


I mean, she's got BFTs and her cleavage is showing, but I think we've all seen women with BFTs show them off in public before, right?


I see no sideboob, underboob or nipple showing. On the whorish outfits in public scale, this rates as a 6/10 - definitely whorish, but not nearly as whorish as other women we've seen and not worthy of being expelled from a mall.


Essentially, this woman is a political prisoner. What a shame.



Horses: are just like me fr, fr!

So, I think we can all agree that 'horse-girls' are kind of an odd breed. Most 'horse girls' are wealthy, white, blue-blood types that almost always have extremely close relationships with their horses. Many of these 'horse girls' prefer horses over humans, are extremely picky when selecting human-male suitors and are often, just, well . . . kind of cunty.


Catherine the Great and her, ummmmmm, equine proclivities is a good example of the 'horse girl' phenomenon. Catherine the Great, very cunty!


The girl in the video seems great, though! It is funny to think that she might have taught this horse how to unzip her blouse. I'm sure there is nothing odd, sinister or illegal in most states going on here!


Seriously, though, those are fantastic Pendulous-Baloney-Pony-Pleasers.


This isn't a matter of asking your girlfriend to "be more ladylike". This is asking your girlfriend to "be a normal person, with common decency, and don't blow ass near where I eat my Totino's Pizza Rolls".


Sorry, ladies, you must limit your farts to once every other month* and always follow them with an apology and giggle about how you basically never fart.


*unless you suffer from a condition that makes you fart more often, in which case you're basically undatable and should go fart alone in a cave.



This reminds me of an old joke.


Q: what's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?


A: the whore will stop fucking you once you're dead.


Well. . . what if the whore was a lawyer? Makes you think. . .


No Context, Beautiful Woman Wearing Sundress:


It wouldn't be a weekly episode of T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) if a Rupert Murdoch owned media outlet hadn't published a story about a woman who's proud that she stopped shaving her pits n' bits (though this one does have very big, attractive-looking, Hairy-Howitzers).


In fact, between The NY Post and The Sun, this is the ELEVENTH straight week they've published a story promoting a hairy women agenda.


We will continue to cover this vile trend until they stop publishing these articles.


Megyn Kelly: bodied Kim Kardashian for being self-obsessed; says her spandex brand is known for ‘sucking in your fat so you look better’

I mean, Megyn's not wrong, right? In fact, I think if you gave Kim Kardashian some truth serum (salmon sperm?), she'd even admit that she's a self-obsessed sociopath who is hell bent on using her gigantic ass to conquer the world.


And no, she's not a good role model for young girls. I don't care how wildly successful she's been, I wouldn't want my daughters to grow up to be like Kim Kardashian. In fact, if she did, I'd absolutely consider myself a failure.


(Side Note: Megyn Kelly - still very hot)

 

Other Important News


The GOP Debate: took place in Milwaukee.

My opinions don't matter, so please enjoy the following choose your adventure analysis by filling the blanks to reaffirm your priors.


"<insert candidate here> clearly won the debate last night, <he/she> had the most clearest for how to solve <insert issue here> and beat Biden in 2024. Meanwhile, <insert candidate you hate here> was a total fucking retard and embarrassed <himself/herself>. <insert candidate you hate here> should just drop out of the fucking race and commit self-harm. What a fucking loser."


OR


"I was the real winner of last night's debate. . . because I didn't bother watching and did <other activity> instead! All you fucking sheep wasted your time."


Donald Trump: did not debate; did go on Tucker.

I don't blame Tucker Carlson for hosting counterprogramming to the GOP debate. Tucker justifiably fucking hates Fox News and has little use for the GOP, so this was the perfect way to shove it up their asses.


It was a fine interview? I guess it did feel, to me at least, that like Trump and Tucker were just playing the hits - Epstein, Crooked Hillary, Chris Wallace, Sleepy Joe, the Deep State. All those things are relevant . . . to 2016-2020?


It would've been nice to see Tucker challenge the presumptive nominee of the Republican party. Tucker is great at testing people in interviews. Trump will be tested by the Fake News media.


Trump was not tested by Tucker on Wednesday.


Yevgeny Prigozhin: is, if you can believe it, dead.

Can you believe that a guy who led an unsuccessful coup against Vladimir Putin died suspiciously in a plane crash? I mean, what are the odds?!?


National Review: The Trumpless Debate


The one in which National Review decries how the debate participants didn't mention (condemn) Trump more.


Charles C.W. Cooke / National Review: In Defense of Profanity


The one in which Charles Cooke defends his decision to call Joe Biden an "asshole" in his recent piece titled Joe Biden Is an Asshole.


From the article:


"I wrote what I meant, I meant what I wrote, and I used the applicable vernacular while doing so. The English language is a magnificent weapon that, through no great achievement of my own, I have had the good fortune to find at my disposal. I refuse to spike its barrel out of fear of the occasional tut-tut."


I like that Charles Cooke called Joe Biden an asshole because Charles Cooke typically does not call people assholes in his writing and would not have called Joe Biden an asshole if he didn't, in that moment, feel like Joe Biden deserved to be called an asshole.


Joe Biden IS an asshole and Cooke ignored etiquette to and for the purposes of eliciting a particular emotional response. It was correct and it worked.



Parents can be asked to sign NDAs before entering public schools, but voters can't be asked to show ID before casting a vote? Ponderous.


Andrew Stiles / The Washington Free Beacon: Experts Concerned Biden Could Die From COVID-19 Before Election


If Democrats want to find a way to get Donald Trump elected for a second term, then they should DEFINTIELY try and re-institute 2020-era mask mandates.



Lost in the hoopla of debate night chaos, we should be getting Donald Trump's mugshot tomorrow.


*sigh*


We're gonna see that fucking photo 10 million times over the remainder of our lives and there's nothing we can do to prevent that from happening.


UPDATE: The mugshot has dropped; Trump has returned to Twitter.

This is a solid mugshot.


I have to admit that I was expecting Trump to deploy something more akin to Tom DeLay's iconic 'giant shit eating grin' mugshot approach.


I think that would've been more epic, but I can definitely appreciate the "stare defiantly into the souls of your friends and enemies alike' mugshot approach.


Final mugshot rating: 7.7/10


Bonus points to Trump for copy/pasting his mugshot into a word doc, turning on the caps lock and making the most boomer campaign meme ever. It's really a work of art.



The one in which Robert Stacy McCain laments the attempted cancelling of Queen's 'Fat Bottomed Girls'.


From the article: "You can keep your gaunt European supermodels, give me a gal who looks like she knows how to cook some biscuits and gravy."


Compelling stuff, but I remain a T.I.T.S. man, not an A.S.S. man.



The one in which Animal correctly points out how fucking bizarre it was for Joe Biden to compare the deadly Maui wildfires, which has so far caused at least 115 casualties, to a 2004 house fire that almost cost him a cat and Corvette.



The one in which David Thompson shares the tale of a biological male tennis player using the female locker room and its consequences.

 

Important News, BUT Sports


Pole: Vaulted.


Just a little pole-vaulting boner humor for you there. (h/t @ground_miller)


The 49ers: traded three first round picks for Trey Lance, who is now their third string quarterback.

Falling to third on the depth chart (behind Sam Darnold) is just an incredible fall from grace for the former third overall pick. People (justifiably) give the Bears a lot of shit for trading up one spot to draft Mitch Trubisky, but I think the Trey Lance trade up is worse.


Niners GM John Lynch saved himself a lot of humiliation by somehow finding Brock Purdy in the seventh-round last year. I do like Purdy, though, that dude is a dawg.


Tua Tagovailoa: has had enough of your bullshit.

I don't know if Tua is going to become a top 10 quarterback, but I do know that Tua gets more unwarranted shit from the media than anyone else in the NFL.


Tua seems like a good dude, a hard worker, and like someone who wants to avoid attention. The media can't get enough of shitting on him, though. I like that Dolphins' fans have rallied around their QB (they call themselves Tu-Anon), I hope Tua can stay healthy, takes the Dolphins deep into the playoffs and has his day where he can shit down the media's throat.


Lots of shit references in this one. I'm sorry.



The Patriots' dynasty has ended, yet I do remain curious as to whether the Patriots can return to consistent relevancy. Most people are picking the Pats to finish last in an absolute stacked AFC East and that's fair since they have the worst roster in the division.


The Pats defense will likely be dominant again. Their offense will improve with Bill O'Brien returning to call plays. AND shocking everyone by winning the division would be a very Belichick thing to do . . .


But does Belichick still have it in him? I hope so, but I don't know so.


The "Does Jordan Love Sucks-O-Meter":


Each week I will be dissecting the play of Jordan Love to determine whether or not he sucks (he does suck, I think).


So - did Jordan Love suck this week?


Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, no, he did not suck:

It's just preseason, so I am not sounding the alarm just yet. . . but I am starting to think that Jordan Love might not suck. That is not good.


If Jordan Love torches the Bears week one at Soldier Field, Chicago is going to meltdown. The fandom will enter a place of absolute dread if the Packers somehow found a worthy successor to Rodgers, who was a more than worthy successor to Favre. I can't go through that again. It's not fair.


Please, God, I know you don't care about football, but I've been a good husband and father, please make Jordan Love suck.



Progress.



Fascinating . . . let's investigate:

Fun Fact: one of the most highly traffic articles on this website is my blog 'AOC's BOOTY Is Clearly Latinx - Butt Is It Big or Juicy? An Investigative Report' so clearly, I'm an expert as to whether or not an ass is an ASS or just merely a bottom.


Based on my forensic analysis of Ms. Rajek's rump, I must report that while she has a very cute butt, Veronika does not have an ASS. You see, Ms. Rajek's tuchus is very nicely toned and appropriate for her body type, but it is simply not big enough to claim "that's an ASS" status.


For evidence, I would point to the pose and camera angles used in the above photos - from below with her hips pushed outward. Women with ASS do not require such slight of hind. That was a pun, laugh, you jerks!


This is not a bad thing; Veronika Rajek is beautiful and thin and a giant dumper would look ridiculous on her! In fact, I prefer cute butts to ASSES! Many do!



Fun Fact: in addition to being an expert on asses, I am the pre-eminent expert on what uniforms look good and which ones don't. I have immaculate taste! I'm sorry, I didn't ask for these gifts, but I do feel an obligation to share them with you!


Now, West Virginia has some of the best uniforms in college football. The gold and blue complement each other well and their logo is understated and timeless.


These 'Country Roads' alternates are nice (albeit fairly non-descript)! That song is so fucking great and I like when teams add subtle details so putting a faint map of West Virginia roads on the numbers is a great touch! This should be standard issue on all their uniforms! It's just not that exciting as an "alternate" uniform.


Alternate Jersey Final Rating: 5/10 - these are just WV's jerseys (10/10) with a soft map overlay.



We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (journalism purposes):

BSO Headline Literalness Rating: Lololol yup, that's massive bum in a tiny yellow bikini. Yes, this is a very literal BSO headline!


This example also serves as a good contrast to Veronika Rajek's not so massive bum as discussed above. Eagle-eye observers will note how Ms. Garcia's ASS requires less hip thrusting to appear big - her pose is less pushing out her ass and more 'hey, look, here is my ASS'.


Your Weekly "The Paige Spiranac Of": Grace Belle Uribe, the Paige Spiranac of SEC Softball


As I've mentioned before, the phrase "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" gets thrown around a lot these days and that label is almost always applied inappropriately and to unworthy candidates.


I consider myself a true "The Paige Spiranac of <blank>" expert, so I will now review and rate the accuracy of this claim.

The Paige Spiranac of <blank> Accuracy Rating: when I first read "the Paige Spiranac of SEC Softball" my eyes nearly rolled into the back of my skull. I was prepared to torch Outkick for (again) being too loose with their "Paige Spiranac of" standards and sullying Paige's good name.


I'll admit, I was (partially) wrong.


Ms. Uribe is gorgeous and, if she were to continue to build up her profile, she could ONE DAY, attain "Paige Spiranac of status". Grace is, undeniably, a worthy candidate, but she's new to the scene and it's too early in her career to anoint her with such a lofty title. She's definitely a blue chip prospect, though.


Actual Paige Spiranac: has opinions on the US Ryder Cup Team


You should also go follow Paige on Twitter and Instagram and wherever else she posts content. She's actually more than just a set of boobs (though those are quite nice) - Paige is funny, eminently likeable and generally worthy of your time.

 

Very Important Meme of the Week

This week's honor goes @MidnightMitch for his clever use of a funny still from Wednesday debate. This offering from Mitch highlights one of the best parts about meme culture - how community events (the Super Bowl, award shows, etc. . .) can be mined for moments of simple human behavior and turned into comedy.


An otherwise innocuous photo of Vivek doing a Nixon impersonation while Nikki stares aimlessly off into the distance becomes a self-effacing premature ejaculation meme (and a template for many more similar entries into the genre).


10/10 (seconds, which is how long sex with my wife lasts).

 

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