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Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects - 5.17.24

It’s news. It’s sports. It’s commentary on weird shit from around the internet.


It’s Tremendously Intriguing Topical Subjects, our weekly digest of curated links designed to keep you abreast of very important news!


We will deliver T.I.T.S. (a coincidental acronym) to your inbox every Friday if you subscribe to our blog!

 
Very Important News!



In the week since this 'Portal' that connects New York to Dublin with a "virtual bridge" has been installed, I've seen only two stories. First, some filthy Irishman held up an image of United Airlines Flight 175 hitting the South Tower on 9/11 to mock Americans over the weekend. Then this naughty New Yorker flashed her Big Apple Bon Bons on Monday. This was the inevitable result of this innovation.


This is the inevitable result of all innovation.


Since the earliest days of the internet, people have inundated the web with two things - 1) porn; and 2) images of Hitler and, after 2001, images of 9/11. You couldn't visit a message board or chat room in the 90s or early 00s without seeing porn or Hitler or 9/11 or Hitler doing porn while doing 9/11.


If you give humans technology, the first thing they'll do is try and fuck it and then use it to insult a nation/race of people. This isn't an endorsement of our depravity, it's just a statement of fact. We are flawed creatures. Flawed and horny creatures.




You might remember this couple from their sexcapades at an Arizona Cardinals game last year. Having adventurous sex seems to be their thing. This time they had voyeuristic intercourse at Playa Bramadero, "one of Puerto Rico’s dirtiest beaches". They say that they engaged in this debauchery (which they filmed, of course) to "raise awareness and urge people to stop littering".


Hmph. That sounds noble, but if I had to guess, they're probably just perverts. They're attractive perverts, but still, definitely, perverts. But they don't seem to engage in anything beyond old-school exhibitionism, which by today's standards is fairly mild. Also props to them for remaining monogamous, I guess? You don't see that too often these days either.


That being said, you don't have to film a porno and donate 20% of the proceeds to an "organization that helps clean up beaches and spread awareness about the environmental impacts of pollution" (which they did) if you want to help clean up the beaches and spread awareness. You could just . . . pick up some trash yourself and make anti-littering awareness your life's calling. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that the filming of a porno on a dirty beach part feels kind of like a non-sequitur. Maybe just post a PSA. People would get the idea.


Anyways, moving on . . .




I have previously stated that so-called 'sexperts' are silly charlatans that spew idiotic, degenerate, and often unhelpful 'advice" . . . but, I dunno, this recommendation just hits different. Maybe not all 'sexperts' are bad and wrong?


I mean, having 'hot sex seven days a week' couldn't hurt a marriage, right? How does the old saying go? "The couple that bones every night, never does fight?" Something like that, I think. Who can remember? The point is that maybe this suggestion from a highly credentialed 'sexpert' is worth investigating.


Ladies , , , how does that sound?



Wow. That was a quick no. So much for "trusting the science". Guess you don't care about our relationship.


Maybe there is a compromise to be had here? 5 nights of copulation, 2 nights of heavy petting while we watch a documentary on the Battle of Berlin and/or a hockey game? Wow. That was also a quick no. Rude, but whatever.


How about 3 nights of horizontal hay rides and a promise that I'll get around to cleaning the garage? Wow. So we're just feeling nasty today. I was trying to share with you SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH FROM AN EXPERT that I thought you might find interesting! I guess I apologize for caring about our relationship.


NEVERMIND!


Today: Sydney Sweeney reportedly in talks to revive ‘Barbarella’



As the celestial entities of the cosmos align in a cosmic ballet, their celestial whispers echo the untold tales of Sweeney's effervescent journey through the realms of the silver screen.


The enigmatic enigma of Sydney Sweeney's enigmatic enigma transcends the  ‘Barbarella’ of human comprehension, weaving a tapestry of the most incomprehensible jibberish that one could ever fathom. In the depths of this enigmatic enigma, one may find oneself adrift in the enigmatic enigma of Sweeney's enigmatic enigma, lost in the enigmatic enigma of her enigmatic enigma. In the enigmatic enigma of Sydney Sweeney's enigmatic enigma,  ‘Barbarella’ the enigmatic enigma of her enigmatic enigma transcends the enigmatic enigma of her enigmatic enigma.


Anyways, moving on . . .


Did you read or did you just look at the gif of Sydney Sweeney?



The words written above were total jibberish. This was a test. Did you notice? Do you read the words I take hours to write every week? I'm starting to think the 2,000 or so people who click this blog each week just "look at the pictures".


Flashback to last week, when I referred to Livvy Dunne's Boyfriend, Paul Skenes, as a "flamethrowing left-handed pitcher". Well, on Saturday, Mr. Livvy Dunne made his major league debut and upon watching him pitch against his first batter, I came to learn that . . . he's a right-handed pitcher. I quickly fixed the mistake on the blog, but it led me to wonder, how did nobody call me out for being wrong?


I went to my sports guy group chat, filled with dudes and bros who follow baseball closely enough to know Skenes threw righty, and excoriated them for not catching my mistake and for clearly not reading T.I.T.S. every week:



Their response - well, these dudes do click the blog each week, but they "look at them" instead of reading them. Or, as one of them put it, "We look at tits, we don't read them!" What the fuck? This is not OK.


You can't just "look at them". You have to read this blog. The moving images might be "moving" but they are meant to compliment the brilliance of the prose, not be the primary attraction. The gifs are just accoutrements to the filet mignon (my words) I serve you each week.


If you do not read the words, then this blog should not exist. T.I.T.S. (coincidental acronym) is not about breasts - the boobs are just a vehicle for a fun, satirical, and often poignant look at the culture and news of our day. The gifs serve as a little bit of sugar to help the medicine go down. The medicine is the part you need. The medicine is my words! TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, YOU FOOLS! LOOK AT WHAT I'VE DONE HERE! I TESTED YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE IMPORTANT TO ME! DON'T YOU SEE I WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS TROUBLE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU?



If you're only here for gifs of scantily clad women, then I will stop putting them in the blog. This is your one warning. Read the words, damn you. If you didn't notice the jibberish above, reveal yourself in the comments below and subscribe to our YouTube Channel as penance, you scoundrels!


 
Regular News!



Last week, NY Governor, Kathy Hochul, said that black kids in the Bronx "don’t even know what the word 'computer' is" and this week NYC Mayor Eric Adams follows up with migrants are "excellent swimmers". I swear, these people peddle stereotypes that I didn't even know existed.

Is the thought here that illegals are good swimmers because they have to swim from lifeboats to illegally cross into the country? I'm not even sure that this one makes sense since those types of illegals are traditionally Cuban and settle in the Miami area - not New York. Moreover, a lot of illegals do not survive their journey through South America from places like China, Africa, India, and Haiti among others. So. . . maybe they're not "excellent swimmers" or maybe the ones that do survive are adequate enough?


Hard to say.





Yes, that 14-second video contains 6 jump cuts . . . which is a lot of edits and suggests that Biden could not coherently string together the handful of words on the teleprompter in front of him.


And yet, the real story here isn't the video, Biden's pathetic tough guy act, or his delusional revisionist history of the 2020 debates. No, the real story is the letter Biden's campaign issued in coordination with the video, namely that Biden refuses to go along with the debates proposed by the Commission on Presidential Debates - which has produced and run such events since its bi-partisan founding in 1987. For what it's worth, the RNC pulled out of the CPD in early 2022 as well.


Instead, Biden wants 2 debates instead of the traditional 3 and also wants them much earlier, in hopes that they will be less impactful. This makes sense for Biden since he's borderline retarded, can't remember anything, and can't speak clearly, but also can't be seen as ducking debates.


Biden's other demands include that no audience be allowed at the debate, RFK Jr. not be allowed to debate, Trump not be allowed to make remarks during Biden's responses, and that such debate be hosted and moderated by CBS, ABC, CNN, or Telemundo (which are all very liberal).


With such a list of ridiculous demands, I cannot see Trump agreeing to any of th- what's that? He already accepted Biden's demands and they're debating on CNN on June 27th? And Jake Tapper is moderating? With Dana Bash? Hmph.


It should be pretty fun (tragic) to see how this all shakes out!



The one in which Robert Stacey McCain shares some somber news from CNN:



"Understand that Fareed Zakaria is not just a liberal, but a liberal who works at CNN, an echo-chamber/bubble/hivemind of Democrat partisanship, a media organization with zero balance. So if things look so gloomy for Biden that Zakaria is not only able to see it, but is allowed to say it on the air at CNN? Yeah, it’s very bad for Biden."


I'll admit, I am kind of in the same boat as Fareed Zakaria - I didn't see this happening either. It's still early (VERY EARLY) but Trump is currently leading in Arizona, Georgia, Wisconsin, Nevada, Michigan, and Pennsylvania according to RCP polling averages. This is a sobering reminder that nobody knows anything.


David Thompson: Into Himself


The one in which David shares word from the Great White North:


"A trans-identified male has been arrested after assaulting a breastfeeding mother in Vancouver, British Columbia. Nathaniel Francis Beekmeyer, 26, was charged on Friday, with media and local police referring to him as a “woman" . . . .


This is not the first time a law enforcement agency in Vancouver has given incorrect information on a suspect’s identity due to their transgender status… The Metro Vancouver Transit Police claimed they “didn’t know” if the primary suspect in a SkyTrain sexual assault was male or female despite having recovered semen during the investigation.”


The West is very sick right now.



 
Sports News!

NHL Playoffs: Round 2 - Continued


Colorado Avalanche vs. Dallas Stars (Stars up 3-2)


The Avs, on the road and on the brink of elimination, got two goals from Cale Makar and another from Nathan MacKinnon to force Game 6 back in Colorado. This one is going seven games and if Dallas doesn't find a way to unleash the Bolt-ons, they're going to spend the rest of the spring golfing.



For the love of God, Dallas, UNLEASH THE BOLT-ONs FOR GAME 7!


Edmonton Oilers vs. Vancouver Canucks (Series tied 2-2)


The Oilers have tried very hard to give this series away to an inferior opponent. After blowing a 4-1 lead in Game 1, Edmonton tried to blow a 2-0 lead in the third period of Game 4 - and they did, but were bailed out by the last-second heroics of Evan Bouchard, who netted the game-winner with 39 seconds left in regulation.


The Oilers have outshot the Canucks by 38 in this series, but feel like they're on the precipice of total collapse by the end of each game. Historically, the team that Game 5 of a series in the NHL Playoffs goes on to win the Series 78.8% of the time. Game 5 of this series is later tonight and if you can stay up late enough to watch it - it should be a good one.


UPDATE: The Canucks won Game 5 on a goal with 30 seconds left in the game. The Oilers were outplayed. McDavid might never win a cup. This is unfortunate.


New York Rangers vs. Carolina Hurricanes (Rangers up 3-2)


The Rangers had won 7 straight in the playoffs and were up 3-0 in this series until the Hurricanes woke up and remembered that they have one of the most potent offenses in all of the NHL - scoring 8 goals combined in Games 4 and 5.


The Canes look dangerous. I'm not sure they look "come back from 3-0" dangerous, but the momentum in this series has shifted. Game 6 is Thursday night after I've already finished writing this blog, so by the time you're reading this, the Rangers might have already closed this series out. But, I don't think that's going to happen - my bet is the Hurricanes send this series back to New York for Game 7.


UPDATE: I was wrong. The Rangers fought back from a 4-1 deficit to win the series and move on to the Eastern Conference Finals.


Boston Bruins vs. Florida Panthers (Panthers up 3-2)


The Panthers were humiliated in Game 1 and then proceeded to beat the ever-living shit out of the Bruins in Games 2, 3 and 4 - winning those games by a combined 15 to 5. Boston barely survived in Game 5 and I don't see this series going to a Game 7. But it is fun to watch Bruins Head Coach Mike Montgomery make funny faces on the bench.





I'm not sharing this story because I agree with it, or disagree with it, more so I'm sharing it as an observation of how little I saw or heard about Caitlin Clark's WNBA debut. I didn't know it happened this week. I didn't see anyone mention it on social media. I didn't see any clips. Nada. Nothing. This is a stark departure from March when Caitlin Clark was everywhere and even the most ardent women's basketball ignorers took an interest.


This could be a result of the insular, WNBA-free, bubble I've established for myself or it could be that people have moved on from Caitlin Clark's moment of national prominence. I don't know the answer, but I do know that I don't plan on seeking out any **checks notes** Indiana Fever games on television.


Maybe a storyline emerges that captures my interest but, for now, I'm good.




Aaaaaaaand . . . I'm talking about the WNBA again. That was quick. Though, if we're being honest, this is a story about a mistreated supportive significant other ("SSO") more than one about a WNBA Player.


Miss Plum, a guard for the reigning WNBA champion, Vegas Aces, was married to Raiders turned Giants Tight End, Darren Waller. The two filed for divorce back in April after one year of marriage amid unsubstantiated rumors that Waller (who sucked last year and ruined my fantasy team) had been unfaithful.


After announcing their split, Plum posted this to her Instagram: I’m devastated, I walked through fire for that man, but now I see it’s time to go." Those are the words of an SSO who was ride-or-die until someone destroyed the road they traveled together. I feel bad for her and while I'm not a huge fan of Kelsey's Trinity from the Matrix cosplay look - it is pretty great that she showed off her impressive physique to let the world know what Waller is now missing out on.


Don't cheat on your wife. Hell hath no fury like an SSO scorned.




Kayla Simmons has a torn ACL. I didn't know that Kayla tore her ACL. It's an injury she suffered back in March while playing volleyball.


And yet, Kayla Simmons continues her rigorous eGirl sports influencer duties, which include wearing athleisure wear, doing Pilates, and posting elite thirst on her social media accounts. You cannot hear me, but I am slowly clapping in my office

out of respect for Ms. Simmons' dedication to her craft and her profession.


Kayla Simmons takes no days off. If Bill Belichick was head coach of a team of eGirl sports influencers (which is something that should happen), he would name Kayla team captain for her tireless work ethic. BB would know that he could ride Kayla harder than the other girls on his team - because she could withstand his critical onslaught and serve as an example to her teammates.


We salute you, Kayla, and are praying for your speedy recovery.



We must investigate the literalness of this BSO headline (for journalistic purposes):



How can you not love this headline? "Brittany Mahomes Wants You to See Her Cheeks". How great is that? It's impossible to know Brittany's intent behind sharing this video, but yeah, I guess she kind of does want me to see her cheeks. Now, that's ok, because I do not know her. I am just a random guy from the internet who, more or less, likes and has defended Brittany in the past.


But what about guys from the Chiefs? Do you think that Andy Reid ever checks out these pics? I'm not trying to be ugly here, I'm more just curious about the inter-office dynamics at play. I'm guessing Coach Reid has stumbled upon photos of Brittany's "cheeks" before. Does that ever make things weird? Do you think Reid has ever commented to others about the quality of those cheeks?


"Hey, star defensive tackle, Chris Jones, did you see Brittany's cheeks on Instagram? GYATTTTT! Those are pretty nice cheeks. If I was single, I sure wouldn't mind a chance to **mimics munching noises**, you know?"


Coach Reid is probably too smart to speak so churlishly about his star player's wife, but locker rooms are pretty wild places. There is a good chance that every man in that building has checked out Patrick's wife's booty before. They have talked about it too and guys say crazy shit to each other. So, yeah, just something to think about if you ever see them fighting on the sidelines. It could be over Brittany Mahomes' pretty firm mom butt.

 

Meme of the Week!


This week's honors go to @midnightmitch for this Mother's Day masterpiece that went mega-viral. At the time I'm writing this, Mitch's meme has over 4 million views, over 5.4K retweets, and over 67K likes. What a monster tweet.


I asked Mitch about the meme and he shared with me some common sentiments:



It really is true that low-effort memes often outperform memes that we put hours into. This is a maddening dynamic with creating content. You just never know what people are going to respond to - and, when you think you know, you're often proven laughably wrong. Such is life.


 

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8 Comments


Guest
May 23

Well, Adams can't just call them wetbacks, can he? Maybe he just did lol

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Guest
May 22

Every one of these damn GIFs has words in it, so I had no choice but to do some reading.

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Guest
May 20

I read your Barbarella passage. Thought you were having a stroke there. Glad to know you're ok.

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I read your Sydney Sweeney content as enigmatically as I could. I didn't notice your 'mistake' as I don't follow baseball as closely as some of your other fans. But I did read, and try to make sense of, each '"enigmatic enigma", until you admitted at the end that I'd been played! 🤔 I'll keep reading anyway.

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Guest
May 18

Ok, so I scanned the Sweeney vid as it scrolled upwards on my page. Then I tried to follow what you wrote but I could not see whatever joke you were trying to set up so I scrolled back up to actually watch the vid to spot any connection. Finding none, I continued on to find that you intentionally wrote gibberish. Does this mean I pass, fail, both, or neither?

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