As much as I've stopped caring about professional sports over the past twelve months, I do still like football. I used to watch my teams every night, regardless of the sport, but between the pandemic, the riots and the pro-sports leagues incessant need to try proselytize on social issues (despite being run by and/or consisting of terrible people). But, yes, I DO still like football - despite the NFL's decision to play the #blacknationalanthem before every Week 1 game this year and putting social justice messaging in the endzone. It's a hard habit to break, even if I am a Chicago Bears fan and my team is about as good as Republicans are at winning elections in Illinois.
So I watched the Super Bowl, because I am an American and Americans like football. And because it' Monday and I'm sure you're dying to hear my thoughts - I thought I'd break down Super Bowl Sunday for you.
1) The CBS Pre-Game Show was very woke.
Because we cannot have anything in society that isn't filtered through identity politics, we all knew the Super Bowl broadcast was going to be woke. It didn't disappoint. The CBS broadcast made sure they played Alicia Keys' rendition of "Lift Every Voice" aka the Black National Anthem aka something that people made up to further identarian division in this country:
This video was something the NFL premiered back in September to appease Twitter mobs that will never be appeased. When it aired last night, there were a chorus of stories posted to Twitter explaining what the Black National Anthem was - meaning that there is no Black National Anthem - it is something people concocted on the fly, for some idiotic reason.
We also had James Brown, the host of CBS' pre-game show, accusing NFL owners of colluding to only hire white coaches - despite 2 of the 7 head coach hires this year being "people of color":
Now, Brown points out some pretty miserable shit in this video, namely how owners collaborated to keep Black players from playing back in the league. But that story is from 1933! I think society has progressed significantly in the past 90 years, can we give society just a little bit of credit? No, apparently nothing has changed and instead we're going to suggest - without evidence - that today's owners are purposefully NOT hiring the best candidates for their most important jobs.
There was more, WAY more, social justicey shit during the pre-game show, but you get the drift:
2) The game was kind of boring & Tom Brady is the GOAT
The Buccaneers were 3.5 point underdogs going into this game. Everyone kind of expected that Patrick Mahomes was unstoppable and the Chiefs would bulldoze Brady and the Buccaneers on their way to their second consecutive Super Bowl win. That did not happen, the Bucs blew out the Chiefs and Brady won his 7th Super Bowl at age 43.
Instead, Mahomes was chased around the field all night and couldn't get the vaunted Chiefs' offense kicked into high gear. The Chiefs only scored 9 points - the first time Mahomes' career he's ever scored less than 10 points in a game - and the Chiefs QB got pummeled on what seemed like every drop back:
That's not to say Mahomes didn't try his best and didn't do some very Patrick Mahomes like things on the field last night - like when he threw the ball 30 yards despite being literally horizontal:
Tom Brady did not make any throws nearly that cool, but he did what Tom Brady does - win football games. Tom Brady is basically that Giga Chad Football Bro from high school, except instead of growing up to sell used cars and living off that one time he threw 4 TDs against the local rival school, Tom Brady never stopped winning and never stopped banging prom queens. Brady has basically lived the last 30 years at the pinnacle of human masculinity, loves the view from atop the mountain and doesn't seem willing to come down any time soon. When you're 43 and drop passes in like this one, why would you:
Brady won his 5th Super Bowl MVP last night and is just the absolute MAN. He's basically lived the life that every dude imagines is possible until reality crashes down and you realize you can't throw the ball more than 20 yards and you're never going to bang a super model.
I mean, just look at the way Gisele, a super model and one of the highest paid women in the world, looks at her man. I'm not sure there is anything more manly than having your super model wife eye fuck you in public just after winning your seventh super bowl. Tom Brady is such an alpha that he married one of the hottest, most successful, women in the world and has turned into a trad wife.
Think about that.
So yeah, if you don't like Tom Brady, you're likely a hater, a fan of a team he has brutalized of the past 20 years or a liberal who hates him because he's not super woke:
Go Tom, do it to 'em again next year. They mad.
3) The commercials were woke too
This blog is already running long, so I'm going to keep this part short. Yes, the commercials were woke, maybe not as woke as I expected, but there was a lot of political messaging aimed at educating the unwashed masses. The most controversial commercial of the night seems to be this one featuring Bruce Springsteen for Jeep:
What the fuck does this have to do with Jeeps? Why is Bruce Springsteen, a guy who has been anything but a moderate voice in the past 4 years, acting as a spokesman for reuniting the country and bringing back the "middle"? Why is a musician, famous for singing about blue collar living in New Jersey, in Lebanon, Kansas? Are we supposed to think that Bruce understands and connects with the middle of the country?
I have an idea to everyone who truly wants to "reunite" this country: leave us the fuck alone for a while. Let us breathe. Let us live lives that are not inundated with politics and social issues.
That' doesn't appear to be the goal here though, neither is selling Jeeps, apparently.
4) Crazy dude in mankini streaked the field.
Who doesn't love a good streaker? It's a shame that the networks have a policy that forbids them for televising when fans run on the field during games. They say it's because they don't want to give these people publicity and encourage more people to follow - but we live in an age where cell phones and twitter make this policy pointless.
I saw videos of this guy within minutes and laughed my ass off. This courageous lunatic understands the risk of throwing on a mankini and running on the field during the Super Bowl, but how else is going to promote Vitaly Uncesnored - whatever the hell that is? Actually, I just googled it and it's definitely porn.
Instead of pretending like NFL can control the dissemination of information, they should roll with it and have a little fun - like what radio announcer Kevin Harlan did when he saw this guy running around with his ass hanging out:
Come on now, you know everyone laughed. The guy ends up in jail for the night, nobody is hurt and we all share a laugh. That's just guys bein dudes. That's just fun.
Until next time. God Bless America.