When Flappr started just over a month ago we were all just having fun making fun of libs and picking on journos. One evening I wrote what seemed like the craziest thing we would publish. It was a piece about A.I. creating Terminators after being forced to read Op Eds by Jennifer Rubin. Soon after I began writing about another timeline of the Flapprverse where Nero, yours truly, and his angels set off to save America. We were eventually joined by Bobcat, Kid Rock, and the United States Piece Corps. The narrative was fun and bizarre. It was working great. That is until the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone sprung up in Seattle. This story is so damn bizarre that nothing I can think of, not even a bipedal talking Bobcat, can compare. I am going to do my best to navigate through the whole thing for you here. If I leave anything out don’t worry this isn’t going away anytime soon.
I guess we should start with exactly what the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone, AKA Chaz
actually is. CHAZ is an area taken over by Antifa in a hip neighborhood of Seattle. Juilio Rosas has been covering it extensively.
Well that’s out of the way so let's get into the characters we have here starting with Anarchomastia who proudly stated that Antifa was “Decolonizing Seattle”
by basically colonizing Seattle. Unfortunately Anachomastia has locked her Twitter account so we will have to go with screenshots here. Ms Anarchomastia proudly states that she wants to abolish whiteness, capitalism, and civilization and prominently places her cashapp account if anyone wants to donate any capitalist funds to her cause.
The Anarchomastia part of the story continues on as we find out through her tweets that things are not always sunny in CHAZ
. Yes it seems the hope of building a great vegan society was destroyed when, to the surprise of nobody but some idealistic anarchist LARPers, the homeless who they were “fighting for” stole their food and went off to hang out with cooler kids. Now you might think her story ends here and you would be wrong. For you see just as always happens to get revolutionary leaders the truth about their personal lives comes out. Apparently Anarchomasita on top of wanting to abolish whiteness and capitalism also likes to try and abolish her girlfriends.
Chris Brown ain’t got nothing on her. It was at this point that Anarchomastia protected her tweets after, likely, feigning being suicidal.
Next in our pantheon of heroes for the modern age is the apply named Big Tiddy Anftia Girl
America need not worry for her Only Fans page is coming soon
Because nothing says “fuck patriarchal based capitalism” like (checks notes) taking money for sexually gratifying old men on the internet. Of course the Twitter had a lot to say about Big Tiddy Antifa Girl
Her recruitment technique must be working if Fred is suddenly pro dairy
Some wondered if this was going to cause friction between Lefty E-Thots
Oil, Jello, KY, Pudding it didn’t matter in what the match took place people were excited for a return to live sports
Surely we have not heard the last of Big Tiddy Antifa Girl.
This brings us to the last character study for the evening. The self appointed leader/warlord of Chaz
Now who is Raz Simone? On top of being the armed self appointed police force of “Abolish the Police Chaz” he is a soundcloud rapper and a real estate investor.
So for those of you keeping score at home the faces of the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone are a woman who uses cashapp to raise funds to end whiteness, capitalism, and civilization while not beating up her girlfriends, a self described “Big Tiddy Antifa Girl” who will soon be starting her own Only Fans page, and a real estate investor with several Airbnb properties who also is a soundcloud rapper.
But Antifa is super cereal.
My story “Karen Wants to Speak to Antifa’s Manager” seems to lack imagination when compared to the absolute insanity that is really going on in CHAZ. These are clearly the acts of a privileged group of people who are so bored with their easy lives that they had to create a fantasy revolution just to feel something.
I will give Raz the benefit of the doubt and assume he is just trying to profit off of this. I can respect that. The rest of them need to go fight a real war or something. Maybe send them off into the mountains with only the clothes on their backs for a weekend. Sure some, maybe most, will likely die but those who survive might actually become productive members of society.
Until then I will do my best to write interesting things about what is going on but I highly doubt they will be my usual brand of absurdist fiction because even my deranged mind cannot come up with characters as absurd as these actual humans are.
For further updates on CHAZ follow Chaz Publius