Something AWFL: The Chronicles of Keryn, Part One


Editor's Note: Something AWFL is part of Flappr.net's White Women Extended Universe (WWEU) and is written by "Chad Hanx" a investigative journalist and historian of all things related to Affluent White Feminist Liberals (AWFLs). This entry covers Chads field-reporting on Keryn Atkinson, an executive at a Global Defense Contracting Firm, and details her recent experiences with Ukraine and a leaked Supreme Court opinion.


We have disguised Mr. Hanx to protect his identity.


For more WWEU content, please visit our archive here: The WWEU

 
Keryn donated $50,000 to get this close to her idol, she wasn't leaving without a photo.

"It...was...her...turn!" she muttered under her breath as she signed off on the deal with Ukraine.


Ever since 2016 it was all Keryn Atkinson could think of: how do I get back at Vladimir Putin for hacking into our voting machines and installing a fascist dictator as president, and how can my position at R******n help?


All these years later she finally had her answer: killing Russians.


Her contact in Ukraine sent her pictures of crying elderly men, women, and children being given guns to fight the Russian menace, being flanked by young men with tattoos of a strange black wheel.


But she was going to give them all what they needed to fight back.


After vanquishing Drumpf, all that was left was the head vampire, Vladimir Putin. Once they took him out, the world could finally be at peace again.


Maybe Joe would even be nice enough to let Hillary run. Again.

 

Keryn had been to Ukraine.


The year was 2014 and she spent the majority of her time meeting with a strapping young man (who also, coincidentally, had the same black wheel tattoo) to discuss how Keryn, and the weapons manufacturer she worked for, could help him and his friends "preserve the white ra-- er. . . . Ukrainian sovereignty."

Keryn knew what he REALLY wanted - her body, which is why it confused her when he rejected her advanaces.

The whole trip was rather strange to her at the time and seemed rather pointless since most of their profits at that time came from the conflicts in the Middle East, but management told her this was going to be the next gravy train to keep an eye on. Though she resented being put on the NATO expansion team at first, all of that would change in an instant.


Soon enough, Putler hacked our voting machines, Trump became president, and attention soon turned to Russia.

 

Keryn quickly climbed the ranks of R******n. Though it was after 2016 when her career really took off. Remember when R******n changed its profile picture during pride month?


Yeah, that was all Keryn.

Keryn received a million dollar bonus for this idea.

Still, professional success didn't lead to personal enrichment.


By early 2017, Keryn found herself in therapy, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Her marriage to Charles, whom she met at a Neil Young concert during her junior year at Mount Hollyoke College, soon deteriorated after she could no longer ignore his lack of empathy.


"You're a straight white male," she told him.


"You don't get it because you're going to be just fine. They're literally going to put the rest of us in camps. I'll probably become a Handmaid."


When he responded that perhaps she was overreacting since she had said the same thing about Mitt Romney, she immediately asked for a divorce.


"I'm signing this deal to sell Javelins to Zelenskyy and the men with the black wheel tattoos on behalf of all women of the military-industrial complex!" she thought as she finished the final cursive loop of her signature.

In moments of weakness, Keryn watched speeches by the Ukrainian president and imagined they were lovers.

"That'll show Putler. And Trump. And all his Nazis. And Charles too." Keryn assured herself.


Keryn didn't believe in God, but she knew if one existed, she'd be proud of Keryn and the untold horrors she just signed into existence.


Not even a moment later, she saw the notification flash on her screen...


"SUPREME COURT SET TO OVERTURN ROE V. WADE"

 

Her stomach dropped. She had taken to the streets in a white bonnet and red robe every year since 2017, but somehow that hadn't prepared her for this day.

These were simpler times. . .

Immediately her thoughts turned to her company and what R******n might be able to do to help women have access to abortion.


She heard as other people in the office got the news and burst into tears. "Ok, Keryn. The moment is now. R******n is not and never will be pro-life in any capacity, and the world will know it."


She fired off an email to their director of social media to make sure that she knew to post that R******n stands for a woman's right to choose.


She fired off a second email to propose that HR allow the women of R******n to have all of their abortions comped by the company, especially those of them employed in states that may make abortion illegal.

She had to make sure that R******n never caved to pro-life movements here or abroad.


As the sobbing throughout the office slowly subsided, she got responses in the affirmative to both emails.


Keryn then went down to the basement and unlocked a door in the back. She checked her phone for a message from her friend in the intelligence community, and once she got it she wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it on the door.


She went back up to the office to address her employees.

"I'm sure you've all seen the news. The Supreme Court is set to strike down Roe V. Wade. But I want one thing to be clear: we will be looking out for all of you. We've posted in favor of abortion rights on social media, and will be providing transportation costs to anyone getting an abortion."


"But there is one thing we must ask of all of you here in the DC office. I've opened the back room."


There are addresses posted on the door. Those of you who were here in 2020 know what that means. You'll be leaving the office early. Technically what you're doing is illegal, but I have a friend at WaPo and no one is going to point that out for a few days, so you're in the clear."


Her employees went down to the basement and came back up with black masks and signs reading "My body my choice," complete with hammers and sickles.


She opened her phone to check her email one last time and saw that she had one last event on the calendar:


"Interview for Diversity and Inclusion Officer. Candidate: Rebecca Ducksworth"

To be continued . . .

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