Simian News Network Responds to NPR's Allegations Regarding Tipping Based on Appearance

We at the Simian News Network pride ourselves on being the most fair and balanced journalism on the market today. Our goal is to put the big J in Journalism and we feel we do that extremely well. Because of our focus on bringing back integrity to journalism we feel it is important to call out our fellow journalists when they print propaganda as was done by NPR today.

This is of course absurd. People should be tipping based on appearance. A human's value is based greatly, if not entirely, on how attractive they are. Our good friend Nero, who is currently on strike from this publication demanding he be paid based on his value (which is more than Howard Stern is making from Sirius), correctly pointed this out here.

We understand that in 2020 certain segments of the human population don't want to hear this but after a long day at work

Men like to go out and have a few drinks

Maybe play some cards to blow off steam

and most importantly spend time with the kind of women that wouldn't pay them any attention if it weren't their job.

You see when you take an ape out of the wild and force him to wear a suit and work in an office you destroy everything that makes him who he is.

The false promise that perhaps one day he could run away with a beautiful woman and live a life of adventure and excitement is the only things that keeps him functioning in civilization. If society successfully shames men into not tipping based on appearance not only will it hurt the bar/restaurant industry because it exists to create a fantasy of a world greater than the one humanity lives in it will ruin home life as well. You see it is the flirting from the hot waitress that allows the man to go home and have the same missionary style sex with his wife that he has once every week

and without this weekly release society will devolve into a land of figurative eunuchs.