• Burnout

Professor Jimbo Should Have Gone to Portillo's.

Earlier this week, our own Professor Jimbo detailed his trip to Taco Bell--an ill-advised excursion wherein he received no edible food and lost his beloved Oldsmobile Cutlass. However, sympathy for him should only run so far. If you haven't been inside a Taco Bell lately, the smell goes well beyond "nauseating" and renders one incapable of enjoying life for the next few hours. Coupon or not, Jimbo should have known better once he got a whiff of the place, so to speak.

Instead, Jimbo should have gone to a delightful little beef sandwich and hot dog shack known as "Portillo's." It has good food at reasonable prices, properly thick milkshakes, and even an adorable dachshund mascot. What more could one ask for from a Quick Service Restaurant?

"But Burnout, Portillo's is primarily a regional chain with limited presence outside of the greater Chicagoland area! It might be thousands of miles to go to one."

First off: Not my chair, not my problem. Get in line or get bent.

Second off: A cursory glance at their merchant's page (a website to those of you in Rio Linda) shows they will ship you their products in frozen form. Plan ahead, Dummy!

But on to the food itself.

Look at that beauty. You're practically drowning in your own saliva right now. I can tell, you pig. You swine.

Oh, the beef sandwich with cheddar dipping sauce instead of pedestrian au jus wasn't good enough for you? How about some crinkle-cut fries? They're all the benefits of Chic-Fil-A's waffle fries without the distasteful veneer of false Christian values. Oh and look at that. A milkshake in a proper styrofoam cup so that the shake doesn't get warm the second the sunlight from outdoors hits the cup. If the Lord came down and said "oh man I need something to eat fast" this is what he'd choose.

There is literally zero reason not to choose this as your dining option, even if there's a Chili's nearby. Other pre-prepared or QSR meals are, frankly, laughable, and serve no purpose other than to give jobs to people who get rejected from doing unsanctioned medical testing.

Let's move on to the atmosphere in which you eat your food.

Woah. Look at that. It's a restaurant that doesn't give one the sensation they're eating in the

cafeteria of a mental hospital.

First, someone obviously put at least a minimal amount of effort into

that signage. It has colors and a font that work together, and doesn't rely on the nauseating red and yellow/white primary combination of McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's, Hardee's/Carl's Jr., Sonic, Arbys, Panda Express, Weinerschnitzel,KFC, Pizza Hut, Domino's, Five Guys, In-N-Out, and Bojangles.

Terrible, inedible swill, each and every one.

Second, look at the planning of that area. It has actual bricks. There is actual patio seating. You can eat your food with actual greenery around you, not the laughable paper ivy sometimes found in less debonair restaurants. It is not a palace of snobbery, but it is a place where an adult might grab lunch. There are no clowns, no randomly placed mop buckets of toxic cleanser, and the furniture is not anchored to the floor.

Imagine voluntarily choosing to eat inside a place which apparently brings in people so unruly that the tables and chairs must be bolted down. The only true complaint would be that your food is served on a tray instead of on plates, though their business model seems ill-equipped to handle that particular delivery system.

"But I can't just live off Portillo's every day! Sometimes I have to eat at home!"

Take down the sports decorations and comic book memorabilia, you uncultured, overgrown child. Decorate your house like an adult and every meal can be like you're eating at Portillo's. If you have ever considered decorating your adult home with team sports memorabilia, or super hero memorabilia, or something thereof, you are already a lost cause and should stop trying. You pretty much already have and should make it official.

We all mourn the loss of Jimbo's Cutlass. In fact just today, there was a viking funeral held for that noble beast. Sure, it wasn't exactly Jimbo's car sailing out to the middle of the ocean on a fiery barge, but the symbolism was there, and as they say in Minnesota, "what's it matter as long as it's insured?"

To avoid your own Cutlass fate, skip the Bell and get the Port. Or eat a normal meal like an adult.


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©2020 by Flapper.

Keep the Faith. Hold the Line. Own the Libs.

Mathew Foldi is a Lib