OMG Becky!

The SCOTUS leak has everyone in an uproar at the prospect that Roe v Wade may be overturned.


Roe v. Wade (readable in its entirety here) is about privacy; it did not create a constitutional right to abortion on demand. It did not conscript state government to facilitate abortions at any stage of pregnancy, or at all. Nothing in there makes abortion as convenient and reasonably priced as a cup of coffee. But you wouldn’t know that from the screeching of fourth-wave feministas.


Lets review some of the arguments we've been hearing over the past week:


Abortions will be illegal!

No, they will not. In fact, some states are proposing bills in their legislatures to make abortions legal up until the moment of birth (or even after in some limited circumstances). Your state might make them illegal or heavily regulated, so I guess this just means you will have to cough up some money and travel to get what you're looking for. I mean #besthusbandever drove across state lines to buy a car because there weren't any of this particular vehicle available locally. Was it a pain in the ass? Yes. Was the process expensive and aggravating? Yes. Did he get what he wanted? Yes. The point is if you want it badly enough, you'll do what you must to get it.


Muh Healthcare!

Fuck right off with that. Having indiscriminate, unprotected sex (with randos that results in a “oops, I’m pregnant-cy”) tells me you don't give two shits about your health. If your "healthcare" was important to you, you would have visited your doctor and obtained some birth control pills and maybe a bathroom condom dispenser for good measure.


Muh Becky, Susan, Theresa, Melissa and Brittany!

Currently, this Facebook post is making the rounds touting an "I'm not pro-murdering babies, I'm pro-<insert woman's name here" list of occasions where abortion, as determined by the alleged majority of suburban women, is warranted:


Personally, abortion has never been a choice I would consider for myself, in any case, for any reason. But this is the United STATES of America and Becky, Susan, Theresa, Melissa and Brittany all have the ability to choose things based on 50 distinct sets of criteria. For example, if you hate state income tax, you can move to Alaska, Florida, Nevada, New Hampshire, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Washington or Wyoming.


If you hate paying exorbitant insurance rates, check out Ohio. If you hate snow and ice, “Hello” Florida. You can CHOOSE to live anywhere you want.


If some of the 50 states decide they don't want abortions on demand, up to the moment of birth, you can MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE. “My body, My choice.” Right? So hit the road, have an adventure, and take your body to the hellhole formerly known as California. If it means that much to you, just fucking go, vote with your feet.

But, action be damned, there's the interwebs where you can post your support for Becky from the comfort of your formal entertaining room with your post-dinner glass of wine while the kids stop vaping long enough to do their homework and your husband's socks tumble in your $1,800 dryer. You can stand in solidarity from your opulent apartment with a view while you scope utterly unreachable Zillow porn with your feline replacement for a meaningful relationship.


Y'all aren’t really standing with women, though. Susan doesn't need total strangers cheering her from the sidelines. Susan needs professional medical help, clinical counseling, and *unpopular opinion alert* to find Jesus.

These stats are from a 2019 CDC study. Keep in mind that not all states are required to report their stats to the CDC, but since everyone worships the CDC these days, I used their numbers. The actual number is inestimably higher but, even with this incomplete analysis, there are a 195 abortions for every 1000 live births.


That's staggering.


For every 1195 pregnant women (I'm not a biologist so, we’re assuming they are biological women), 16% of those women (again, not a biologist) yeet that "clump of cells." And that’s 16% from the CDC reporting areas…the numbers are likely higher.


Deploying the same accurate-as-fuck skills that landed me an A on my statistics final exam, I did a little math of my own. Take the total number of pro-choice activists, some of whom brag about having 21 abortions, and add the number of suburban, minivan-driving, chardonnay enthusiasts who are currently ugly crying in support of Theresa…multiply that by the number of condoms available at any CVS or Walgreens and divide by number of Planned Parenthood locations that claim to offer cancer screenings, prenatal care, and birth control (but do not actually have any of those), add the square root of TikTok influencers bragging about abortion parties (complete with cake and balloons) and you get X=BULLSHIT.


There is no way that all of the abortions performed in the US are the result of rape, incest, or from an actual threat to health. Statistically impossible.


Back in the Roe v. Wade days, the effort was to keep abortions *checks notes* "safe, legal, and RARE" for women like Melissa. The reason for Roe v. Wade was to keep that decision private between a woman and her doctor. Not now.


Now you have people bragging about how many “choices” they've had, demanding the "right" to murder a person already born, and purposely ignoring contraceptive methods in favor of the convenience of "getting rid of it."


Now we have women with 6 different babies from 8 different fathers advocating for the right to undergo this costly procedure at the expense of the taxpayer.


Now we have women who aren't women marching for the right to abort imaginary babies they don't even have the equipment to carry.



Now we have unfuckable women who are women withholding sex until the word abortion is printed on the goddamned dollar bill and George Washington’s portrait is replaced with a renaissance-style drawing of a dissected fetus in a trash can.


And while they make videos about it, the abortion rate continues to climb.


These abortions are not all Brittanys. These abortions are not all by women whose innocence was taken; the victims of rape or incest. These abortions are not all by women in life threatening situations. If they are, we as a nation, have much bigger fish to fry.


Should abortions be legal in these situations…life or death…rape and incest? Honestly, and this is my opinion only, that’s still a decision for the individual, as always.


Should they be quick, easy, and available on every street corner? That's up to the government of the state in which you reside and, if the state in which you reside does not reflect your pro life values or pro abortion…uh…”values”...stop punishing your neighbors. It’s time to pack your shit and move.


If you find yourself crying for the "right" to have an abortion (and it will never be a right - rights come from God, not government) because you can't, as my best friend would say, "keep your goddamned jeans on”, or because you choose to be sexually irresponsible, then you should face the consequences of your actions. And *reality check*…that consequence has a face and God knows its name.


Abortion isn't healthcare or a right, hiding behind Becky makes her a coward’s human shield, and petulantly shrieking about non-existent constitutional rights isn’t preserving freedom.


Time to wake up; Roe v. Wade isn't about what you think it’s about.


THINGS ARE SO MUCH MORE FUN WHEN YOU COMMENT