Greetings, fellow Americans. It's me, Mike Pence, your former VP and trusted friend.
I've been enjoying my little sabbatical away from the public eye, but thought I'd give "blogging" the old college try and see what all the hub-bub was about. So keep an eye out on this website, your favorite Vice President might show up every now and again to wish you good tidings and smite heathens that try and subvert good Christian values!
Many people have been asking me "hey Mike, what have you been up to these days?"
I usually tell them "Oh, you know, the three C's: Church, Church and Cinema!"
We usually share a hearty, but not overly zealous, chuckle at my humorous retort, but many people are somewhat surprised that "Ol Warm Milk Mike" is a closeted cinephile.
It shouldn't surprise people that I enjoy film. People forget that I was host of The Mike Pence Show, a highly successful radio program, prior to getting into politics.
Let me tell you, we had fun on that show - for example, one time - live on the air - we called a local florist and had them send roses to my wonderful wife, Karen. The real kicker here was I had the florist include a note that read "To my love, Karen. Beautiful flowers for my beautiful flower, to celebrate this beautiful Wednesday" - except, it wasn't Wednesday, it was MONDAY!
I laughed for three straight hours on my radio program, that day. Karen, however, didn't find my attempted ruse very funny. I spent that evening sleeping on the floor, and I had to fire my radio producer, Charles, for suggesting that I commit the sin of deceiving my wife.
I haven't attempted to tell a joke since.
Anyways, last night I noticed that the heretics at HBO released a new film on their immoral "streaming" platform. I don't know why, maybe it was my decision to indulge in a second glass of warm milk, but I thought the title of this new film was "David vs. Goliath" and my interest was piqued - the story of David is one that has always resonated with me.
Imagine being a decent, moral man - a soldier of God - being pitted against an oafish giant with nothing but your trusty slingshot and pegging him right on his tangerine tinted forehead. The boorish barbarian tumbles to the Earth, you raise your muscular arm in victory while the crowd cheers "Mike! Mike! Mike!" and "you should've been President!"
*ahem*
Anyways, it turns out that this movie was NOT about David and Goliath. It was something called "godzilla v Kong."
Let me tell you, this was not a Christian film. It was vile, disgusting and full of heresy - and that was just the three minutes of the film I watched before unplugging my television, burning it and burying the remnants in a ditch 40 miles away (one can never be too careful).
Thankfully, I missed any imagery of a giant lizard fighting a garganntuan primate.
I mean, who comes up with this stuff? Is it the satanic sorceress "Cardi B" that I hear so much about?
Such a concept is absurd on its face. I mean, would the giant monkey fling his demonic dung at passersby for a laugh? Would the enormous lizard infiltrate the deep state and further efforts to convince Americans to eat insects? Not going to happen, godzilla, I'll stick with my trusty boloney sandwich, thank you very much.
Let me make something clear folks, there is no "godzilla" there is only God, and he is great.
After my disappointment over this whole kerfuffle subsided, I explained to Karen what had happened and we both shared a laugh. We held hands, I looked into her beautiful brown eyes and I remembered all of the wonderous gifts the Lord has bestowed upon us.
So despite having to suffer through three minutes of pure unadulterated obscenity, I am glad that I watched "godzilla vs. Kong". It helped me create a stronger bond with my wife and remember that the ideological battles we wage are not what's most important - it's the people we wage ideological battles on behalf of that really counts.
Accordingly, I give this film 4 stars out of a possible 4 stars.
May God bless you, your families and all you hold dear.
Praise be.