Adidas Milker Madness

Today is Friday, Rome is burning while our nominal, demented, leader can't remember the difference between Ukraine, Iraq and Afghanistan and his State Department tells Americans that they're fucked if they don't leave Ukraine in the next 24-48 Hours.

But if you're looking for more doom and gloom, you can go read The New York Times, an outlet that just yesterday published an article that's titled Why hasn't Justin Trudeau ordered the police or military to quash the protests? This comes only little more than a year after several New York Times employees walked out in protest over a op-ed written by Tom Cotton titled Send In The Troops suggesting, essentially, that Donald Trump do that very thing to protect major cities from Black Lives Matter riots and looting.

What fucking losers.

Anyways, here at Flappr, we're intent on covering stories that uplift, stories that inspire, stories that YOU care about. . . like that WILD tweet from Adidas that featured a whole lotta boobs.

50 boobs, to be exact:

I mean, you knew we were going to have some thoughts on this right? Milker culture is part of what we do here at Flappr - we follow the trends and discuss issues that affect Milkers and those who consider themselves connoisseurs of curvaceous casabas.

So, what do we think? We think this was fucking weird, dumb and a naked attempt (PUN!) at viral marketing by plastering pendulous pillows of pleasure all over everyone's social media feed.

It worked, this advertisement was all over the place. Everyone was talking about this arrangement of areolas all over the internet.

And you know what, I think it's disgraceful. Have we completely lost any sense of collective dignity? Does anyone really want to see a montage of mammaries when trying to decide whether or not to purchase shitty athletic wear made by literal slaves in China?

I mean, I'm not in the market for a sports bra, but if I was a broad - I'd be insulted that Adidas thinks so little of me that it believed that I needed a shitty fucking clothing company to advocate for my titanic traffic stoppers.

Just make a sports bra worth purchasing and shut the fuck up, BRAND!

And no, this isn't a commentary on the quality of the particular round rutabagas featured in that advertisement, which featured all kinds of boobs, including block busters, torpedos, mail bags, mountain melons, peachy pop tarts, luscious lemons, water wings, coat hooks, silicone silos, a set of Igors and some chitty-titty chin bangers.

Yes, some boobs are better than others, but all boobs have merit and All Boobs Matter (might need to trademark that one for my future Anti-Marxist Milker group).

More than anything Adidas deserves condemnation for the way they portrayed this visual quilt-work of queenly quinces.

Yes, there is a proper way to photograph boobs (I think, I'm just making this up as I go a long, to be honest). Even the most stupendous set of sweater sirloins will look less than stellar if you shoot them from the front, standing straight up and with terrible, sterile lighting.

What's more, and this might be controversial, part of what makes mommy milkers so magical exists in the imagination. This ad would've been so much more tasteful and effective if they had photographed the women in the actual sports bras they were trying to sell.

Yes, I'm saying that it's more sexy to see boobs clothed, rather than naked.

Hire me, Adidas.

A photo featuring a set gargantuan eye gougers harnessed by a low cut sports bra would've allowed everyone to envision what bounty lie beneath, which is a much more dignified than presenting them like a serial killer's victim.

It's almost like Adidas wanted this advertisement to remove all that makes breasts so wonderful and special (they did). What a shame, as Milkers are (according to experts) one of the three best things to ever exist on planet earth (God's love ranking both first and second).

I will make this promise to you, as the chief muckity-muck at Flappr, this website will never disrespect breasts in the way Adidas did earlier this week.

We respect them too much, we respect you too much.

Happy Friday and God Bless America.