Low Ratings Get Me High And I Might Possibly Have A Problem

I said I wouldn’t do it. I said to myself - “Bear, there’s no reason to talk about cable ratings of crap shows on CNN and MSNBC anymore. Just stop. You’ve got a problem but it’s not too late to fix it.” I wrote one last piece detailing the declining fortunes of the purveyors of fake news, telling myself this was it. I was done this time. Just one last hit and then I was really, like, really done. No more. Outlets like them just aren’t important anymore. No one watches them. They don’t matter. I was done reveling in the schadenfreude. I didn’t need that little hit of dopamine triggered by their ratings sorrows.

“Cold turkey, this time” I said.

Well, folks – let me just say “My name is Cocaine Bear and I’m an addict” because I just can’t help myself and I’m back plumbing the depths of bad news ratings. I’m sure my fellow Flappr contributors are sad to see me relapse with yet another piece on this nonsense. “Bear has a serious problem” is what I’m sure is being whispered in the Flappr discord. BUT I SWEAR – just this one last time, everyone! Just one last sweet high that comes from low ratings and then this time... this time - I’m done.

Let’s start this one-last-time-I-swear bender with a look at everyone’s favorite human vegetable – Brian “Tater” Stelter. Nothing sends me into the stratosphere quicker than seeing this fat turd’s ratings plummet into the abyss and then straight to the earth’s core. How this guy still has a show is completely beyond me. His latest show had the smallest number of viewers for the year at 656,000 and marks the 12th week in a row that his show “Reliable Sources” can’t crack one million viewers.

I just do this recreationally, I swear. I can quit whenever I want.

These numbers come after his disgusting, bootlicking performance with Sleepy Joe’s press secretary Jen “Circle Back” Psaki in which he was roundly criticized by both the left and the right for his fawning questions. Tater and Psaki both have young children and he literally had the balls to ask her if she fears for the future of their respective children “given the craziness we’re seeing from the GOP.” Can you believe this guy? Even Psaki seemed surprised and a little uncomfortable with the question. He also asked her what the media gets wrong when covering the Biden administration. Speaking truth to power is obviously a concept ol’ Tater has never heard of.

Then my favorite lefty and also one of the main enablers of my addiction, Glenn Greenwald, did a thread on the woes that MSNBC is going through and I knew a relapse was coming at this point. You all know how much I love to point out the “key demo” which is the number of people between the ages of 25 and 55 watching as these are the group advertisers really care about. Well, it turns out that the miserable cuck known as Chris Hayes almost has less than 100,000 viewers in the key demo watching his awful show.

It’s even worse for MSNBC’s weekend hosts. Look at the numbers below from Sunday, June 20th and that network has between 25,000 and 60,000 viewers in the key demo.

MSNBC still can’t win for losing, though. Their top rated host Rachel Maddow who regularly comes in the top 5 of cable show ratings was just recently handed a ruling by an Obama appointed judge that her show was full of “exaggeration, hyperbole, and pure opinion” and that her own audience knew not to take her literally. (HAHAHAHAHA! Whoooo! I’m high as a kite now!) You see, One America News decided to sue her for saying that they were “literally paid Russian propaganda" only to have a judge throw out that suit because she’s total trash and fake news. What a weird, delusional world you have to live in to take her or her network seriously.

Ok, ONE more low ratings dopamine hit and I promise I'll stop, check this out from Fox News' media reporter, Brian Flood:

The most-watched program on CNN during May was "Cuomo Prime Time," which averaged one million viewers to finish No. 22 overall among cable news. CNN’s most popular show finished behind 14 different Fox News offerings and seven MSNBC programs.

Basically, you can turn on Fox News at nearly ANY time of the day and be watching a show that rates higher than the highest rated show on CNN.

Never experimented with stuff this potent before. . . but I'm sure I can handle it.

Oh, yeah. . . that's that pure, uncut, medicinal-grade schadenfreude - mainlined straight to the vein. Seriously – how long can they keep this schtick going? How long will their corporate overlords keep shelling out cash to keep them afloat?

What's the end game here? Is it to host a network that appeals only to bluecheck mark journalists on Twitter?

It seems that will be the size of their audience if this trend continues.

Well, I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m like really, really high right now. I’m sure tomorrow I’ll crash back to earth and write a piece apologizing for my relapse as I hold my head in shame and contrition. I swear this time I’ll find a 12 step program to join so this doesn’t happen again. In the meantime, though – I’m just going to enjoy the high.