Ladies Please: (Women's) March Madness

There was a "Women's March" on Saturday. I, of course, could not go because I had to work.

Nope that's not true, really I didn't go because I think the whole thing is stupid. I do not have any desire to stand in the cold with electrical tape on my nipples and my shirt off and yell about how nobody takes me seriously. (incidentally this is a real good reason to not take someone seriously)

Its a all a feminist marketing campaign aimed at having "cervix americans" (or whatever the fuck they're calling themselves this week) believe they are somehow economically maligned and oppressed and held back. Advertising agencies, Marketing firms, Focus groups. OTHER WOMEN. Everyone wants to make sure you ladies know that the man is bringing you down.

Lets start with the books. Titles like "How to trick people into thinking you have it all together when your whole life is a shit show of laundry and carpooling." First of all, none of you sky screamers should ever attempt to trick anyone into thinking you have it together, Y'all are wearing brown corduroy yoga pants with pink hats, nobody is going to believe you. Second, if you feel like your life is a shit show of laundry and carpooling, that's on you sister, let the laundry pile up, your life partner or your spawn will eventually tire of wearing their underwear backwards and inside out and throw in a load. If you don't want to carpool, don't do it. You signed those hellions up for 26 simultaneous activities so you can live vicariously through them. Your kids are not prodigies and you cant make them into prodigies with ballet, because your daughter weighs 90 fucking pounds at age 7 she's not going to dance the lead in Swan Lake. Or arts and crafts, no ma'am, the macaroni and sucker stick painting with a piece of chewed gum on construction paper is not a mixed media masterpiece, that shit isn't even fridge worthy at gramma's house. Or soccer, trust me that child is not Pele, he just wiped a booger on his sock. They would rather watch cat videos on you tube, so let them.

You go girl.

What about the magazines? In the checkout at every store, trying to grab your attention with feminist empowerment articles on supermodel sex secrets, Dressing for the job you want, going from pajama pants to promotion in 30 minutes. You are a powerful woman who can have it all, so you pick it up and start thumbing through, page one is a tome on Body Positivity and the facing page is a full length photo of a half naked female who has completely skipped puberty and sandwiches apparently, that smells like Chanel, hawking some line of clothing a person who does their own grocery shopping could never possibly afford.

What about television? Every empowered career mom on TV is dressed to the nines in a size zero suit that costs more than my entire wardrobe, while cooking bacon and eggs for her kids before they head off to school. Number one, Bacon (albeit delicious af) smells up the whole house. Two, you don't cook bacon in anything that you don't want to ruin with microscopic drops of grease. Three, how many bathrooms do you have at your house? how is everyone ready to go this early in the morning? The whole thing is bullshit. And it is all aimed at making you feel terrible about who you are, not at demonstrating what an empowered, confident, motivated woman can do.

Which brings me to the most insidious feminist marketing scheme in the history of ever. Social Media. Facebook, so you can see all the amazing vacations your friends from college are taking with their perfect families. Instagram where you can witness firsthand all those girls from high school who didn't get fat (those bitches) whose Zumba Keto Vegan supplements lifestyle plan has turned them into fit happy millionaires.

Oh then there's Twitter. Ahhhh Twitter, your one stop shop for all of the bullshit opinions you can handle. Parenting tips from celebrity moms who have nannies and hairdressers and personal trainers. Political musings from B actresses from 80s sitcoms (and you know who you are) who have exactly zero knowledge of what being a woman in the workplace is really like. Calls to feminist action from women who have the world by the short and curlies and would like you to buy their new album, or book, or workout lifestyle clothing. Talk of green new deals and economics from noob congresswomen whose previous economic experience amounts to making sure the bar drawer isn't short.

This non stop bombardment about how women always get the short end of the stick, leads to shit like this:

These are just the first things that come up in a quick twitter search of "womens march 2020." There will be more tomorrow and on into in perpetuity until women get what they want. I'm not entirely convinced they know what they want especially since their march (as usual) was hijacked and piggybacked by other causes.

What a bill of goods has been sold to the women of America.

This marketing funnel you are swirling in has led you all to believe that you are missing something, that you have to be something else, that being a woman is a terrible thing, and that its all someone else's fault. Its society's fault, its men's fault, its this President's fault that you don't have free tampons and on demand abortions delivered to your home like takeout food (Please note the other 44 presidents before him also didn't get you any of the things you want either).

You seem nice.

I am a woman and I am missing nothing, I have a great job and I get paid as much as any man to do it, I can vote, own property, have credit, I can drive, make my own healthcare decisions, wear what I want and the list goes on. Do you understand that only in a place like this could you travel freely? Take the time away from home and family to march for your equality, which you already have. Only in a place like this could you assemble en masse speak freely about your "oppression." The fact that you think you don't have all of these things is madness.

So no, you will never catch me at a women's march crying about how the man is bringing us down, I have real shit to do, I went to work today and got paid. If you want to waste a day screaming at the sky over imagined transgressions, I'm going to laugh at your pictures and comments on the interwebs, you enjoy your results.

Good luck with that.