Ladies Please: Toob Stakes

In light of recent events, the spectre of sexual harassment has reared its ugly head again, in a very public way. In real time. In front of the whole world. There is no denying that it occurred, there is no dispute of the facts, the perpetrator and victims are not anonymous.

A well-known television personality touted for his legal expertise (despite his obvious ignorance of laws) pulled his dick out of his pants and actively masturbated in full view of his colleagues during a virtual work meeting.

The entire world is talking about it, and not in the way you would think.

There are people defending him. Yep, you read that right, DEFENDING HIM.

Another personality from the same network, lets call him “Brian Stelter,” said a reliable source told him it was an accident. Brian is well known for his poor takes on pretty much everything that happens in the world, They must keep him around he’s eye candy, or has a great sense of humor, but this is possibly the worst assessment I have ever seen.

On what plane of reality is having your dick out of your pants and wanking during a work meeting ever an accident? Unless you are a cam girl or have onlyfans, your junk should stay inside your clothing during all meetings and (except for bathroom breaks) whenever you are being paid to perform a non-junk related task. My HR friends feel free to borrow that phrasing for your next employee handbook, which in light of the fact that this even occurred, should be dropping on desks around the United States In, 3….2…1…now.

Chapter 1: It's upsetting your co-workers.

From another popular twitter personality, who literally made a fortune from satirizing office politics, (irony not lost there) he called it “a very human mistake.” He also said it was not a crime (I suppose that is technically true) and nobody was hurt. (Wait, what? More on that later) he also said he hoped that the “you toober” would have a sense of humor about it and that his family would cut him a break because “he didn’t want to do it.”

I know a shit ton of humans, they might forget to put the seat down, turn off the garage lights, close the bathroom door, but nobody I know forgets to not masturbate at work. This is not a mistake or an accident, this is the considered action of a person who prioritized slapping the salami over his career. He made a choice. This did not “happen” to him, he chose to do it. Faced with the two prospects: my career and rubbing one out, he chose rubbing one out. Did not want to do it? Oh, he absolutely wanted to do it, his dick did not take itself out.

This man is not the victim here, do not any of you dare to try and make him out to be. That is just utter bullshit.

Before I begin this part, a disclaimer: I do not dispute the facts or that you are a victim. I do not blame you for the injustice that was carried out upon your person, this is about accountability and choices and nothing more.

“Nobody was hurt.” And something else I heard around the watercooler, “this is why women don’t report sexual harassment”

A lot of people were hurt, the ladies on that call with him, his family, his colleagues, HR departments all over America, and anyone who ever must be on a zoom call ever again.

#zoomdick hurts all of us, immediately his colleagues on that call, because a person had such utter disregard for them professionally and personally that he whipped it out. The wank heard round the world has destroyed the already shaky credibility of his employers. No regard whatsoever for the people whose personal economies he has potentially decimated. His dick was more important to him than your jobs Management suspended him and are trying to spin the story. If you do not speak the fuck up, shame on you.

HR departments all over the country are now scrambling to provided training on “how to not jack off at work.” What a waste of their time and talent, working so hard to make sure everyone’s pay happens on time and that people get their benefits and are treated fairly, and as grown adults they have to talk to other adults about not masturbating on company time.

His family, y’all are in my prayers, truly. You did not deserve any of this, get out while you can, I do not care how much money he brings in, choose your dignity.

Regarding unreported sexual harassment, Ladies everywhere: put this in your brains, you do not have to keep your mouth shut if someone sexually harasses you. You simply do not. The person who is sexually harassing you is not giving a second thought to the wrongness of what they are doing. They are showing you with their actions that they do not care about you and they are never going to respect you.

However, please understand, if you do not speak up when it happens, then you have made a choice.

We already knew, because it is well documented, that the #zoomdick guy is a degenerate. He still has a job because upper management is letting him keep that power, if there are any women in upper management that choose to remain silent, you condone that behavior. To his colleagues on that zoom call, who were witness to this man’s shortcomings: why didn’t any of you call his ass out right there? Did any of you say “dude, do you have your dick out?” Choices mean something.

For the ladies and gentlemen of the Hollywood #metoo movement, who chose their potential careers over their dignity - do any of you understand that if any of you had spoken up the first time Weinstein tried to get you to look at his sorry bidness, his opinion of you wouldn’t have been a deciding factor in anyone’s career? You waited for someone to swoop in and save you by speaking up. (for you sky screaming pussy hat crew: the plan to remain silent until you make it big so you can crush someone like a bug under your Louboutins is the most anti-feminist thing I have ever seen.) There are far more of you than them, they cannot blacklist all of you. They would never be able to make a movie if all of you are persona non grata.

If you believe in equality, speak the fuck up. Do not do this “well nobody will believe me because I’m nobody/new in town/just starting out/A WOMAN/A MAN” polite, demure ingenue bullshit. People only have the power over you that you give them.

The same goes for the political world, I am not sure if Katie Hill's intern realizes it, but saying “sorry ma’am I don’t want you to naked brush my hair, I came here to work,” is well within your purview. I do not care what anyone says, that was the most sexual harass-y thing ever. It makes me want to vomit. A person who violated her employee like this wants us all to respect her privacy and not see all of the sexy time pics she posted on the INTERNET. GFY.

Regardless of participants, a person who signs your paycheck and does “sex stuff” with you makes, whether its stated out loud or not, that “sex stuff” a condition of your employment. Your choice to participate and continue to receive the paychecks says that is ok, because I like this chedda.

Finally: To #zoomdick’s bosses, the world is watching you and you have a choice to make, the Toob Stakes are high. Your dignity or his career. Choose wisely.