I will admit, I had planned to write about the Dr. Jill Biden controversy, but it really isn't a controversy. If she wants to be called Doctor, call her Doctor, just don't take any medical advice from her, after all she let Dementia Joe keep running for president, when he really belongs in assisted living. (Honestly I'm still holding out hope that we won't have to call her anything.)
But I digress, let us talk about what really fires me up.
Lena Dunham's quarantine body.
Last week, America's favorite busted can of biscuits was back at it, talking to whatever magazine about the sad state of affairs that is her bikini body.
Now before the body positivity warriors get their period undies in a bunch, this is not about whether or not to embrace your rolls...or curves...or rolls, this is about relevancy, and the pursuit thereof.
From the photo caption: "Lena Dunham opens up about Covid-19 weight expectations as she poses in a bikini. "I've been thinking a lot about my pot belly in quarantine..." she wrote, adding, "Why, after all these years spent fostering self love, do I still feel like weight loss is an item for my to-do?""
Lets begin with, "Lena Dunham opens up," Ms. Dunham opens up about everything, she's opened up about so much at this point that there is no value to her openness. Like the boy who cried wolf, she cries "look at me" so much that it means nothing. If I see her name on twitter or anywhere my gag reflex is immediately triggered, because she's about to say something gross or be in a bathing suit (or less) she should not be wearing.
"about Covid-19 weight expectations," what the fuck is that? I had no idea there were weight expectations in regards to the Rona. Were we all supposed to lose weight, or gain weight, or what? With the general populace baking things at home en masse, and gyms closed down, I imagine many of us gained a few pounds, so why is her personal experience during this time unique or interesting? News flash: it isn't. Why should we be listening with rapt attention to her body image woes? She is a wealthy celebrity with all of the resources in the world at the ready, this sad and sorry lumpy pile of dough could have literally locked herself in her house with a super expensive peloton and all the matcha powder smoothie supplies she needed, and come out the other end of this Rona shit show lockdown with a bangin new physique.
Instead she changed nothing, and we get this again "as she poses in a bikini." I guess I'm a little old school in that I believe if you look unappealing in a bikini, stay in your back yard, or buy an actual swimsuit, then get in your pool and swim, its great exercise. If I wanted to see a woman who should not be wearing a fucking bikini, I'd look in the fucking mirror. Look, if you can find one in your size, you do you booboo, however I think I speak for the majority of folks out there when I say, PLEASE STOP SHOWING US!
"I've been thinking a lot about my pot belly in quarantine..." super terrific, now we are forced to think about it too, maybe try a little less thinking and a little more doing, while you're thinking, maybe take a walk. We are all thinking about our bellies during quarantine, many Americans are thinking about how they are going to fill their bellies and those of their children during this quarantine. You should be thinking about the size of your fucking balls, crying about the shape of your belly because you are too blessed while people are standing in line for food, takes some big brass ones.
"Why, after all these years spent fostering self love," therein lies your problem. maybe start caring about someone other than yourself and the size of your bikini pot belly would not matter to you so much. The best way to love yourself, to really feel good about yourself, is not to sit in your house posing for bikini pictures, (that nobody wants to see, for real, I may have mentioned it before but I cannot stress this enough) its to get out there and make a difference in the lives of others. Narcissism is a killer, and it is not attractive.
"I still feel like weight loss is an item for my to-do?" Are you overweight? Are you unhealthy? Does your weight affect you mental health? Clearly it does, or you would not be subjecting the world to these periodic cries for help, so rather than sit and lament the situation, get up and take a walk. put the donut down and eat a vegetable. Whatever, just stop asking the rest of the world to pay attention to you, we have shit to do.
This next bit is directed to anyone in the celebrity world who is out there taking pictures of themselves and making togetherness videos about dealing with the Rona sadness and despair from their mansions and penthouses: NOBODY OUT HERE GIVES A FLYING FUCK! We do not care. Your proclamations and propaganda films about how much you care (which are almost exclusively backed up with ZERO action) mean nothing. Our lives are turned upside down, our businesses are closing, people are committing suicide, going bankrupt, being evicted from their homes, please do not insult the American public any further with platitudes from your safety bubbles.
Back to the dough girl, you could have been a hero Ms. Dunham. You could have gotten up off of some of that cash and helped in your community, instead you bought a bikini, (the money you spent on what amounts to some string and a package of fat quarters, could have fed a family for at least a month) posed in it and cried about how you have so much to eat, you have a potbelly? You are not even living in the same reality with the rest of us. You cannot comprehend real strife. You could have been lauded and appreciated for your generosity and selflessness, alas you will get this whenever your name is mentioned "That Dunham gal took her clothes off again! Ugh! What the fuck for?"
A few years back, the sight of you in varying stages of undress, seemed valuable to the success of your program, and you incorrectly took that critical acclaim to mean that America wants more naked Lena Dunham. I promise you, we do not, I stopped watching because every week it was like a really bad truck stop adult store peep show.
Ms. Dunham, in your search for relevancy, ponder this, why is your self worth tied to the shape of your body? Maybe because you use it to get folks attention (most of it not positive), and then demand we listen to what you're saying. If you think this is a good solid tactic for getting whatever the fuck your message is out to the world, then you need to make sure before you share another dough girl selfie, that you have something even remotely valuable to say. The point of introspection is that you improve and learn about you, none of us need to join you on that journey, we have bigger fish to fry.
Stop kidding yourself, your relatable posts don't have the effect you think they have on the rest of us. Those of us who have to get up and work every day do not find a person whose biggest difficulty is choosing between Chubby Hubby and Phish Food ice cream to be even remotely relatable. We think you are ridiculous. We don't believe for a single second that you are like us, because we would have used the privilege (oh yeah I fucking said it) that wealth like yours provides to do something other than lament a potbelly. So next time you pose for a thought provoking photo so the world will look at you, maybe you need to take a look at it first, then DO NOT POST IT ON THE INTERNET.
WE have already seen you, its high time that YOU see you.