We are coming up on this election, and for those of you struggling with your choice, I have great news, some of the biggest thinkers in Hollywood are here to help you. I refer to none other than the triumvirate of higher ideas, Chelsea Handler, Lady Gaga and Alyssa Milano.
In the last several weeks its been like watching "Battle of the Network Stars" on Twitter. Except dumber, and less entertaining. Celebrities are weighing in on both sides, but these three displays of gross nonsensical pandering really burn me.
Lets start with Chelsea Handler. She wants you know if you don't vote for Joe "Eight o'clock bedtime" Biden, then you ain't black. She said it, right the fuck out loud said it, In reference to former paramour 50 Cent. Mr. Cent, (who I love, Hayyyy Fitty!) recently expressed his concern over the proposed way high tax rates from Pudding Cup Biden. He doesn't want to be 20 Cent. And I don't blame him. Mr. Cent has worked hard for his dollars, as we all do, and would like to be able to enjoy the fruits of his labor.
Ms. Handler (of balls) thinks Mr. Cent betrays black folks by working his ass off his whole got damn life and exercising his constitutional right to free speech, and his constitutional right to vote. He has the balls to disagree and maybe not vote the way Ms. Handler (of balls) wants him to.
First of all Chelsea, girl, I get it, based on your non stop running of that filthy sewer, that you think what you have is lined with velvet, and thus compels the many who have enjoyed (or pretended to enjoy) your company to forever listen to you and do what you say. Especially the black ones, right?
Let me just tell you something, Chelsea, YOU ARE NOT BLACK. YOU ARE NOT A STAR. You are inconsequential in the realm of a superstar like 50 Cent. Just because he used to put it in you, does not mean he needs you to tell him what his experience is, or to EVER speak for him. If any of what you said or did was that good, I am relatively certain he would still be there.
Let this be a lesson to the rest of the white folks out there, for you to inject yourself in the middle of a black folks conversation, to "whitesplain" to them or on their behalf is the very definition of racist. You don't think black folks are smart enough to make decisions for themselves? Think for themselves? Speak for themselves? The black folks I know, have never needed me to spread their message or interpret their thoughts or words for them.
Chelsea, though, well she isn't too bright, because instead of closing her cakehole, she doubled down, with this.
Now she is going to tell Lil Wayne what to do.
Yes, it is 100 percent unacceptable for you to take the positive things 50 Cent and Lil Wayne are doing and shit on them to serve your own agenda. The things they do to make a difference in their communities and serve as examples of success for young people everywhere through hard work and smart business decisions, are far more important to black folks than making sure China Joe gets elected. Don't forget, Joe and his running mate are responsible for the incarceration of more young black folks than any other candidates in history. That is what we in the bidness call racist AF.
Lets talk next about this powerhouse of critical thought: Lady Gaga.
She decided to take some time out from writing brilliant lyrics like "ra ra ah ah ah, rama rama ma" to make us a video, reminding us to vote for Joe "Applesauce Grandpa" Biden.
This is super gross too, because she is dressed in an outfit that I'm sure she thought would appeal to undecided voters that drive pickup trucks? Nascar fans? Farmers?
Or maybe she wanted to mock them? Everything is statement with her (remember the meat dress?) So, What is she trying to say?
Leaning on a pickup truck in a stupid expensive (and yet somehow still hideous) pair of boots, and the exaggerated spraying of beer, Lady Gaga wants you to know she either relates to you, or she thinks the entire rest of America outside New York City are tabacky spittin rubes. Either way its wrong. Either way its total bullshit. She doesn't relate to you, she thinks you should do as she does. She's dressed just like you, right!?
Which brings me to this brilliant Genuis, My personal favorite, Alyssa Milano. Dumber than a box of hair. She dressed as "RGB" for halloween. RGB. Ruth Gader Binsburg. I guess.
I know, don't be a dick, she made an honest mistake, The whole planet has been going on non stop for three weeks about "RBG" but no big, you can change it, just delete the tweet and then repost, Right?
A sensible human would have posted the exact same tweet, after fixing the error, hoping that the mistake would stay under the radar. But no, Samantha Micelli, deleted it and made a whole new tweet, spelling out the name of the late justice, with a "Happy Halloween" message (which also made no got damned sense). Except this time, she spelled the name wrong, the third tweet was "Charmed" though from what I hear, I had to stop reading them, lest I lose valuable brain cells via twitter osmosis.
I am not entirely sure why this person thinks its inspirational to dress as "slutty RBG" for Halloween, but all she accomplished was reminding us all how entirely vapid she really is.
What do these three have in common? They have an extraordinarily overinflated sense of their own importance.
I can assure you ladies, your attempt to influence Black folks with overt racism, regular Americans with a creepy parody of who you think they are, and actual smart people by taking a respected jurist and constitutional scholar and turning her signature look into a costume that looks like it came from Wish, only highlights how truly awful you really are.
Ladies, please take your delusions of adequacy and get the help you need. Because damn do you need it.